Bagpipe Jokes

Q: What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: Did you hear the joke invented by a drunk Irishman?
A: It's called the bagpipes and the Scots still don't get it.

Q: Why does everyone hate a bagpipe right off?
A: Saves time.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q: What's the first thing a bagpiper says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.

Why did the bagpipe player cross the road?......I thought while accelerating.

Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q: How do you get a million dollars?
A: Start off with 2 million and buy a bagpipe store.

Q: Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
A: So they can upset everyone.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q: Did you hear the joke about kilts?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the bagpiper got hit by a car".

Marriage is like playing the bagpipes. It looks easy until you try it.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: Why do musicians leave their bagpipes on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpiper and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a bagpiper.

Q: What is the perfect weight for a bagpiper?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.

Q: What do all great bagpipers have in common?
A: They are all dead.

Q: What do you call a successful bagpiper ?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpiper and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A bagpiper player with a mortgage.

Q: What does a bagpipe and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.

Q: What do you call a bunch of bagpipers in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.

Q: Did you hear about the bagpiper who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.

Q: What do you call twenty bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a bagpipe players arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q: What do you call a bagpipe player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Doctor's Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician, I play the bagpipes."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

Saint Peter
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of bagpipers. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one bagpiper player an hour.

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