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Death and Taxes One-Liners Jokes


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Ambition in America is still rewarded . . . with high taxes.

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

There was a time when $1000.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.

Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

Congress does some strange things. it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.

I hate junk mail . . .and that includes the tax forms they send me.

Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.

Nothing has done more to stimulate the writing of fiction than the itemized deduction section of the income-tax forms.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

People who squawk about their income tax can be divided into two classes: men and women.

The average man knows as much about the atomic bomb as he does about his income-tax form.

Income taxes are not so bad and certainly could be worse. Suppose we had to pay on what we think we are worth?

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

What the present income-tax form needs is a section which would explain the explanations.

When making out your income-tax report, be sure you don't overlook your most expensive dependent - the government.

It has almost reached the point where, if a person takes a day off, he falls behind in his income-tax payments.

Income-tax forms are nothing more than the government's quiz program.

Some of us can recall the day when a person who had to pay income tax was considered to be wealthy.

No stretch of the imagination is as complete as the one used in filling out income-tax forms.

Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast.

We wouldn't mind paying income tax if we could know which country it's going to.

Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list Uncle Sam as a dependent.

In 1913 Uncle Sam collected only 13 million dollars in income taxes. That's why they were called the "good old days."

The guy who said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040.

Come to think of it, these income-tax forms leave little to the imagination and even less to the taxpayer.

Just thinking about income taxes often taxes the mind - which is something people once said the IRS couldn't do.

Making out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.

Trying to curb inflation by raising taxes is like giving a drunk another drink to sober him up.

If you think you can keep everything to yourself, . . . the IRS doesn't.

If the IRS gave green stamps, thousands of Americans would look forward to paying their income tax.

Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the credit, and the other takes the cash.

A lot of people still have the first dollar they ever made - Uncle Sam has all the others.

A harp is a piano after taxes.

We need to change our National Anthem to "Deep in the Heart of Taxes."

A good name is to be chosen over great riches. It's tax free! . . . so far.

No respectable person is in favor of nudity, but after paying taxes, some of us may not have any other choice.

What this country needs most is a SPCTT - The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Taxpayers.

Patriotism will probably never develop to the point of parading in honor of the "unknown taxpayer."

A dyed~in-the-wool patriot is one who says he's sorry he has only one income to give to his country.

The real patriot is a person who saves enough of his salary each week to pay his income tax.

A politician is a man who never met a tax he didn't try to hike.

Wouldn't it be grand if politicians would fight poverty with something besides taxes?

After all is said and done, the politicians say it and the taxpayers do it.

It is reported that the politicians in Washington are thinking of abolishing the income tax and taking the income.

Regardless of who wins the election they have to raise taxes to pay for the damage.

If our President wants to abolish poverty, he can do it by abolishing the IRS.

Poverty is what you experience the day after you pay your income tax.

One of the biggest advantages of being poor is that you'll never have to undergo the trauma of a tax audit.

The chaplains who pray for the United States Senate and the House of Representatives might speak a word now and then on behalf of the taxpayers.

Unquestionably, there is progress every where. The average American now pays out as much in taxes as he formerly received in wages.

With a billion dollar budget, it ought to be possible to set aside enough money to teach the IRS the basic English necessary to write a readable income-tax form.

Another American invention is the permanent temporary tax.

The best tax law is the one that gets the most feathers with the least squawking.

Which has made the biggest liars out of Americans - golf or the income tax?

A man admitted he lied on his income-tax return - he listed himself as the head of the household!

Life is one dodge after another - cars, taxes, and responsibilities.

The best things in life are free - plus tax, of course.

The way the cost of living and taxes are today, you might as well marry for love.

The average man now lives thirty-one years longer than he did in 1850. He has to in order to get his taxes paid.

A serious impediment to a successful marriage these days is the difficulty of supporting both the government and a spouse on one small income.

Of course you can't take it with you, and with high taxes, lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses you can't leave it behind either.

Benjamin Franklin had an axiom, "A penny saved is a penny earned." But that was before the sales tax was invented.

The reward for saving money is being able to pay our taxes without borrowing.

Our beloved country has made remarkable progress. Now politicians have arranged to spend taxes before they collect them.

At no time is it easier to keep your mouth shut than during an audit of your income-tax return.

Being a success today means the government takes away in taxes what you used to dream of earning.

An American can consider himself a success when it costs him more to support the government than to support a family.

The fourth of July, 1776 - that's when we declared our freedom from unfair British taxation. Then, in 1777, we started our own system of unfair taxation.

Why don't high taxes and high prices marry and settle down?

Stay on your job and pay your taxes promptly. Thousands of workers in the government bureaus are counting on you.

A penny saved is a penny taxed.

You really can't beat the game. If you earn anything, it's minus taxes. If you buy anything it's plus taxes.

We wonder why they call them "tax returns" when so little of it does.

The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem.

It's about time that somebody invents a tax that can't be hiked.

There's a "tax cocktail" on the market - two drinks and you withhold nothing.

Increasing taxes to stop inflation makes about as much sense as fanning a fire to cool its heat.

A "slight tax increase" costs you about $300, while a "substantial tax cut" lowers your taxes by about $30.

Some tax loopholes become nooses.

Death and taxes are inevitable, but death doesn't repeat itself.

By the time you finish paying all your taxes, about all you have left is a receipt.

They keep telling us about a tax-freeze plan. How about a tax-free plan?

One can be born free and then be taxed to death.

Save your pennies and the sales tax will take care of them.

A Republican will consider every way of reducing taxes except cutting expenses.

The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing.

A tax-dodger is a man who does not love his country less, but loves his money more.

"What you don't know doesn't hurt you" doesn't apply to the hidden taxes in the things you buy.

A tax cut is like motherhood, apple pie, and the Star Spangled Banner - everybody is for it.

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