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Pumpkin Jokes

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Q: How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween?
A: Pump kin !

Q: Why were the two pumpkins so close?
A: They had deep roots.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.

Q: What do you call a pumpkin carved to look like Mitt Romney?
A: Jerk-O-Lantern

Q: Why did the pumpkin cross the road?
A: It fell off the wagon!

Q: Why was the jack-o-lantern afraid to cross the road?
A: It had no guts!

Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A: A pumpkin patch.

Q: What did a Jack-o-lantern say to the pumpkin?
A: Cut it out!

Q: What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash

Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!

Q: When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin?
A: When you drop it; then it's squash!

Pumpkin spice latte, pumpkin spice muffin, pumpkin spice cheesecake, pumpkin spice cookies... I LOVE FALL

Carving a pumpkin in fun. Repeatedly stabbing a pumpkin is more fun.

Has anyone booked Snooki for Halloween yet? I need a scary pumpkin.

Hollow out a pumpkin, put a beer tap in the bottom, fill with dirt cheap beer, add pumpkin spice, and sell it to white people for $7 a pint

Just got my man card upgraded to platinum by never drinking anything pumpkin flavored. Ever.

The barista from Starbucks just asked me if I wanted a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I told her I'm not into men.

My urine is probably pumpkin spice flavored at this point.

Laugh it up, peppermint. They're coming for you next. Sincerely, Pumpkin Spice

Two pumpkins
One day two pumpkins, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over.

The uninjured pumpkin called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured pumpkin was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.

After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured pumpkin, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."

"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

Pumpkin, Pickle, & Penis
A pumpkin, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives.
The pumpkin said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me.
The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.
The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

Doctors Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office.

A banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot in the other ear, and a baby pumpkin stuck in one nostril.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

Math Mistake
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, "If you had 4 pumpkins and I asked for one, how many would you have left?"
Quickly he replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4 pumpkins."

Farmer's patch

There was a farmer who grew pumpkins. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his pumpkin patch at night and eat his pumpkins. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the pumpkins in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no pumpkins are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
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