Peanut Jokes

Q: Where do peanut drivers go to fill their tanks?
A: The Shell station!

Q: How do you catch an elephant?
A: Hide in the grass and make a sound like a peanut!

Q: What kind of socks do you need to plant peanuts?
A: Garden hose!

Q: Where did the peanuts go to have a few drinks?
A: The Snack Bar!

Two peanuts were walking down a road
One was assaulted

Q: What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?
A: An astronut!

Q: Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?
A: I'm not telling you. You might spread it!

Q. How is a dumb blonde like peanut butter?
A. They spread for the bread.

Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
A: Because she's nuts!

Q: What did the apple say to the peanuts?
A: You're Nuts!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk

Q: What is another name for a kidney-stone?
A: A pee-nut!

Q: Why did the peanuts run across the busy road?
A: Because they were nuts!

Q: Why did the blonde smear peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam.

Q: Why are people in Illinois having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

Q) What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
A) I can't peanut butter my cock down your throat!

Q: What kind of nuts hang?
A: wallnuts.

Two peanuts
One day two peanuts, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over.

The uninjured peanut called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured peanut was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.

After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured peanut, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."

"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

Peanut, Pickle, & Penis
A peanut, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives.
The peanut said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me.
The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.
The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

Doctors Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office.

A banana stuck in one of his ears, a peanut in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

Math Mistake
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, "If you had 4 peanuts and I asked for one, how many would you have left?"
Quickly he replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4 peanuts."

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