Did you hear the joke about the peach?
It was pit-iful.
Where do kids from the 90s like to hangout?
The Peach Pit.
Why did the nectarine have a hair transplant?
Because it wanted to be a peach!
Did you hear about the fruit that gave people a warm fuzzy feeling all over?
She was a real peach.
Why did the chef shave the peaches?
Because the recipe called for nectarines!
What do you call the time inbetween eating peaches?
What do you call a fruit that's in love?
Why was the peach acting funny?
Because it was all fuzzy.
What do vampires like to eat?
What do you call a man that can't stop eating peaches whole?
A bottomless pit.
Patient: Doctor, there is a peach growing out of my head.
Doctor: Oh, that's easy. Just put some cream on it!
A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says," So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?"
The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite.
"Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries," he says.
"Turn it around," the old man says.
The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream. The man thinks for a second, and says, "How 'bout steak nad baked potato?"
The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveler. He bites into it.
"Tastes like steak," he says.
"Turn it around," the old man says.
The traveler thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out, "O.K. old man, I bet you don't have one that tastes like pussy!"
The old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says, "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!"
The old man just grins and says,"Turn it around!"
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any Nectarines? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of Nectarines, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the Nectarines are.
The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of Nectarines, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the Nectarines, I need some Nectarines right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your Nectarines from the back."
The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuck, as in Nectarines. "
She replies "There is no Fuck in Nectarines?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"
God Is Watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large tray of peaches.
The nun posted a sign on the peach tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the peaches."