Q: What what can you make from baked beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.
Q: What's round,white and giggles?
A: A tickled onion!
Q: What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
A: No one cries when you cut up a viola.
Q: What kind of socks do you need to plant onions?
A: Garden hose!
Q: What do you call a hobbit with a healthy appetite?
A: Lord of the Onion Rings.
Q: Where did the onion go to have a few drinks?
A: The Salad Bar!
One day two onions, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over.
The uninjured onion called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured onion was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.
After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured onion, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any onions? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of onions, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the onions are.
The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of onions, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the onions, I need some onions right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your onions from the back."
The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuck, as in onions. "
She replies "There is no Fuck in onions?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"
A guy walks into the doctor's office.
A banana stuck in one of his ears, a onion in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, "If you had 4 onions and I asked for one, how many would you have left?"
Quickly he replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4 onions."