Melon Jokes
Did you hear that Paul Reiser is Mad About Honeydew?
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you're eating a watermelon.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
What happens if life gives you melons?
Your Dyslexic.
What do you call a honeydew that is depressed?
Melon-choly.
What does a Midori sour and a Man have in common?
Both of them make women start talking nonsense!
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds
Did you see the cantaloupe in a suit?
It looked like a melon bucks.
What do you call a woman with a shot of midori on her head?
A taxi. Clearly, she's had too much liquor and is being a nuisance.
What do you get when you cross a fruit and a dog?
Melon Collie.
What do you call a talking cantaloupe?
One in a melon.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew!
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
Farmer's patch
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
No Cantaloupes
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any cantaloupes? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of cantaloupes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the watermelon are.
The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of cantaloupes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the cantaloupes, I need some cantaloupes right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your cantaloupes from the back."
The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuc, as in cantaloupes. "
She replies "There is no Fuc in cantaloupes?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"
Three Girls
Three girls named Marie, Alexis and Taylor were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Marie remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Alexis walk to the farm, leaving Taylor guarding the car.
When Marie and Alexis get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Marie grabs a turnip, and Alexis grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Taylor walks in. He tells Taylor to do the same as they just did, and Taylor heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Marie and Alexis to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies. Marie laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Alexis laughs and she gets killed too.
So they are floating out of their bodies, and Alexis asks Marie why she died. Marie said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Marie then asked Alexis why she laughed, Alexis said: "I saw Taylor coming around the corner with a watermelon!