Q: What did the Bacon say to the Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!
Q: What water yields the most beautiful lettuce heads?
Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone, with no dressing!
Q: What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing?
A: Lettuce all smile.
Q: What did the host of Top Chef say to the contestants?
A: Lettuce begin.
Q: What do you do with epileptic lettuce?
A: You make a seizure salad!
A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Nasty?" replies the man, "this is just the tip of the iceberg!"
Two Heads of Lettuce
One day two heads of lettuce, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over.
The uninjured head of lettuce called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured head of lettuce was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.
After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured head of lettuce, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any lettuce? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of lettuce, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the lettuce is.
The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of lettuce, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the lettuce, I need some lettuce right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your lettuce from the back."
The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuck, as in lettuce. "
She replies "There is no Fuck in lettuce?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"
A guy walks into the doctor's office.
A banana stuck in one of his ears, a head of lettuce in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Lettuce in, its cold out here.