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Cucumber Jokes


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Short Cucumber Jokes

What's the definition of suspicion?
A nun doing squats in a cucumber field.

Q: How do you know your momma is NASTY?
A: When she puts a cucumber in her panties and pulls out a pickle.


Cucumber Bar Jokes

Cucumber, Olive, & Penis
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

Two Cucumbers
One day two cucumbers, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over.

The uninjured cucumber called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured carrot was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.

After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured cucumber, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."

"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

Carrot, Cucumber, & Penis
A carrot, a cucumber and a penis were talking about their awful lives.
The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me.
The cucumber said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.
The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

Doctors Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office.

A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

100 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men
The average cucumber is at least inches long
Cucumbers stay hard for a week
Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count
Cucumbers don't get too excited
Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety
Cucumbers are easy to pick up
You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket and you know how firm it is before you take it home
Cucumbers can get away any weekend
With a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check-in as Mrs Cucumber
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning
You can go to a movie with a cucumber and see the movie
You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber and you can stay in the front seat
With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home
A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out for Milk Duds
A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?"
A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore
With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once
Cucumbers can handle rejection
Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache
Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is
Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet
Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent
With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry
Afterwards, a cucumber won't: want to shake hands and be friends
say, "I'll call you a cab"
Tell you he's not the marrying kind
Tell you he is the marrying kind
Call his ex-wife or therapist
Take you to confession
You always know where a cucumber has been
A cucumber never has to call "the wife"
Cucumbers never have mid-life crises
A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun
Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves
You won't find out later that your cucumber is married
is on penicillin
likes you - but loves your brother
A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move
Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R
A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion
Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party
A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve
A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit
Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family
A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy"
A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian
It's easy to drop a cucumber
A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything
No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too
Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them
A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away
A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season
Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car
A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor
A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest
A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray
Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall
Cucumbers don't have sex hangups
Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on
Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts
You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it
Cucumbers never need a round of applause
Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser
A cucumber won't want to join your sports group
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind
Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover or speculate about your next one
A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over
No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber
Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow
A cucumber won't give you a hickey
Cucumbers can stay up ALL night and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot
Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower
With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold
Cucumbers don't count to
Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman
for another man
for another cucumber
A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman
A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy
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