Coffee Jokes

Q: Why are men are like coffee?
A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

Q: What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
A: De-calf-inated!

Q: Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?
A: Because according to the Torah He Brews!

Q: Why is a bad cup of coffee the end of a marriage?
A: Because it's GROUNDS for divorce!

Q: Why is Starbucks removing the trans-fat from their menu?
A: Because they want that Frappacino to pad your ass without clogging your arteries!

Q: What is best Beatles song?
A: Latte Be!

Q: What do you call sad coffee?"
A: Despresso.

If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" into a mirror three times, a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite things about fall.

Q: Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee?
A: Because they have Italian titles for everything!

Q: What's the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
A: Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic
A: Sanka

What did the doctor say when a baby was born holding a Starbucks latte?
"Its a white girl."

Q: Why do I not like hot drinks?
A: It's just not my cup of tea.

Q: Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A: Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . "He-brews"

Q: What's fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
A: Java the Hut!

Q: How do you make Pig Jerky?
A: Give them some coffee.

Q: What's the opposite of coffee?
A: Sneezy.

Q: What do Chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
A: They are all better rich!

Q: What do you call a baby calf that's lost his head?
A: De-calf

Q: What do you call Java that won't stop brewing?
A: Stand your ground coffee.

Q: Why Coffee is better than a Woman?
A: Coffee goes down easier!

Q: Where does birds go for coffee?
A: on a NESTcafe

Q: Why do white women prefer black coffee?
A: Because they can take black coffee home to their parents!

Starbucks or Victoria Secrets?.....Who charges more per cup?

'Ever notice that when you serve someone a cold cup of coffee, it makes them boiling mad?

The worst part of waking up (from a nap), is Folgers in your lap!

There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.

The coffee tasted like dirt because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

Yo mama so stupid she thought Dunkin Donuts was a basketball team.

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,"
The psychiatrist said, "well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

Regular Or Decaf
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked. 
The man said he would like coffee.
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee,
but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.
"Oh my God; I am so sorry!"
"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular. . . ," she replied.
"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

Two woman are fighting over a man in the supermarket.
The wife quickly grabs the Folgers coffee, and dumps down the homewreckers shirt.
The homewrecker asks why did she did that?
The wife responds, "There's nothin' more better than waking up with Folgers in your cup."

A guy goes into a cafe, sits at the counter. A very nice waitress comes over and ask the gentleman if he would like a cup of coffee. He said yes mama and I need some PISS in it. The comment just made the waitress break out crying. The manager walks up to the gentleman and said, what did you say to my employee to make her so upset. Well sir I was sitting here at your counter and the young lady asked me if I wanted some coffee and I said yes but I need some PISS in it, the manager said PISS, what does that mean? The gentleman said "Put In Some Sugar."

Price of Coffee
A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: "How much is the coffee?"
"Coffee is four dollars the waitress says".
"How much is a refill?" the man asks.
"Free, "says the waitress.
"Then I'll take a refill!" the man responds.

Viagra in Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

You Should STOP drinking coffee if

You chew on other people's fingernails.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You short out motion detectors.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

You help your dog chase its tail.

All your kids are named "Joe".

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You pour coffee on a choking victim because CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You ski uphill.

You walk ten miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You're so wired, your ears pick up AM radio.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

Your doctor tells you, your blood type is COFFEE

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You answer the door before people knock.

Your morning cup of Coffee is so strong it wakes up the neighbors!

You think on the eighth day God created coffee.

You look at energy drinks and laugh really really loud!

Coffee Pick Up Lines

They call me "coffee", Cause I grind so fine.

Hold the sugar please, you're sweet enough for the both of us.

So I've Been thinking about you a latte

How do you look so good before coffee?

Java number I can call you at?

Can you pass the coffee and sugar becaue you just made me cream in my pants

Girl I want you to be like my coffee and keep me up all night.

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