Q: Why aren't there any Sears stores in Afghanistan?
A: Because they are all Targets!
Q: How can you afford a middle class lifestyle on $11/hour (average pay at Sears)?
A: By shopping at Sears!
Q: Why did a man smash 29 Flat Screen TVs with an Easton baseball bat at a local Sears store?
A: They were playing an episode of MTVs "Jersey Shore"
Q: What does Sears and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: Boy's underwear half off!
Funny pranks to do at Sears (Do at your own risk)
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
While an associate is trying to tell a customer about a high priced item. Look interested in the same item.. and say you can get it cheaper online!
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares......and see what happens.
Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
Ask an associate for entry into the fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
TP as much of the store as possible.
Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
SE Asia Expansion
Sears announced plans to open its first retail stores in India and China.
Tags on clothes and stickers on items will read, "Made Here."
A short skinny guy is drinking beer and All of a sudden another man punches him and says "Karate chop from Japan."
The short skinny guy gets up and moves away. The same man comes again and throws him. He then says "Judo throw from China".
The short skinny guy goes out and is gone for an hour.
He comes back knocks the guy out, and tells the bartender "When he comes to, tell him a Craftsman crowbar from Sears."
Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local Sears.
Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee "skinny, glasses, pocket protector and Sears clothes". Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at Sears.
He says, "Dan, do you think you have what it takes to work at Sears Roebuck and Co?"
Dan laughs to himself, thinking what an asshole! But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely."
The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer, do you think you've got those qualities?"
Again, Dan laughs to himself, Is this f**king guy serious? But he says again, "Absolutely!"
"Well, let me show you how it's done," says the manager.
The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer.
The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.
The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there."
"Yup," responds the customer.
The manager winks at Dan and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?"
Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head.
"Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.
"Ya see, Dan, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that?"
"Hell, yeah!" says Dan, "Just watch!!"
Dan steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter.
Dan looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer. "That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there," says Dan.
The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup."
A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, "Would you be interested in buying a new lawn mower?"
The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the hell would I want a lawn mower for?"
Dan winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be getting laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!"
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Sears either."