Microsoft Short Jokes
Q: Why are PCs like air conditioners?
A: They stop working properly if you open Windows!
Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.
Q: What if Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows Vista crashed...
A: Oh, wait a minute, he already does!
Q: What's the difference between a virus and windows?
A: Viruses rarely fail.
Q: What do you call the movie about Uma Thurmans PC crashing?
A: Kill Bill Gates.
Q: What do you call Windows Multitasking?
A: Screwing up several things at once!
Q: What do houses and Microsoft Windows have in common?
A: Bugs come in through open Windows
Q. How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: What do Baby Gates (Jennifer Katharine Gates) and Microsoft product offerings have in common?
A1: Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
A2: Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
A3: As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
A4: They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
A5: Neither can stand on its own two feet without A LOT of third party support.
A6: For at least the next year, they'll suck.
Q: What does WINDOWS stand for?
A: "Work is never done on Windows systems"
Q: How did Microsoft break Volkswagen's world record?
A: Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs!
Q: What if you call Microsoft product offerings software?
A: You probably call Burger King cuisine, Lauren Conrad talented, and Sarah Palin a genius!
The other day I discovered something that is really scary. If you play a Windows Installation CD backwards it plays a satanic message buy the most frightening thing of all, if you play it forwards it installs Windows!
Microsoft Bar Jokes
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
First man: "You know, I hear Microsoft is going to start making Condoms."
Second man: "That gives a whole new meaning to the words, 'General Protection Fault.'"
The government is closing in on Bill Gates in the Microsoft antitrust trial.
If Gates has to do time, I've got a feeling that he may get a taste of his own medicine when Big Louie in Cellblock 3 tries to forcibly bundle his "Inmate Explorer."
After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant. Bill asked him "was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?"
Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".
So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she became so famous, her prices had gone up quite a bit. So Bill paid 10,000 for a night with Divine.
In the morning he said, "That was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself 'divine'". She answered "Thank-you, and now I know why you call your company Microsoft."
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a god after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95."
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
The worlds richest man Bill Gates dies and goes to St Peter... St Peter is embarrased.
"I don't know what to do with you Bill ... you put a PC in every household ... on the other hand you made windows Vista. So I tell you what ... just chose between heaven and hell"
Bill goes "Really, I can chose?"
"Yes pick one" Peter says.
Bill who is very professionnal: "Ok, can I visit both before deciding?"
"Ok, just go's on. What do you want to start with?"
Bill: "... why not start with hell?"
And then they both went to hell.
Magnificient. Great beaches, plenty sun and naked women every where, smiling at Bill.
"That looks wonderfull" Bill says. Now how about heaven?
Then then went to heaven. Magnificient. Great beaches, plenty sun, just no naked women
"Ok" Bill says, "I pick hell then."
After a week St Peter decided to visit Bill who was sent to Hell The poor guy was on the floor, screaming, scratching the ground with his nails. He shouted at St Peter: "No no no! I Can't stand it no more!"
"What's wrong" St Peter asked?
Bill goes "I don't understand, there is nothing to do with what I saw the first time"
"Where is the beach? The naked women?"
And St Peter:
"That was just a demo."
If Microsoft was headquartered in the Deep South
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw."
4. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '7 would be an outhouse.
5. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt."
6. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++."
7. Winders 7 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
8. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz."
9. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
10. Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver.
11. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator.
12. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.
If Restaurants functioned like Microsoft Support
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $4.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00