Short Mercedes Jokes
Why did you crash my car?
Because I wanted to see a Mercedes Bend.
How many Mercedes car salesmen does it take to change your light bulb?
It depends on your credit, current lease terms, and willingness to take a balloon payment!
What is the difference between a Mercedes and a porcupine?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
What is the Mercedes owner's most ardent wish?
A bigger penis.
Want to hear a car joke?
What should you do if you find three Mercedes owners buried up to their neck in cement?
Get more cement.
What's the difference between a Mercedes owner and a carp?
One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent own a Mercedes.
There are two reasons I don't take my girlfriend on longs drives in my Mercedes.
One I don't have a girlfriend.
Two I don't have a Mercedes.
Mercedes One Liners
So you're in high school and you drive a Mercedes? You must know all about hard work then.
I would give both my testies for a new Mercedes.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
You wanna man that drives a Mercedes, but your dad drives a Toyota. Why you can't be humble like your mom?
I just saw a Mercedes driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice. Should I report the vehicle as stolen?
A girl who swallows is like owning a Mercedes, You don't need it, but it's nice to have.
Why do people name their kids Mercedes, Lexus, Porsche when they look like buicks & fords
Mercedes Bar Jokes
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.'
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for Her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said,"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
"$50" she replies
The man agrees and gives Her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man`s wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it"
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect Her money. "You`ve finished already?" the man asked.
"Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats."
Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it`s not a porch. Its a Mercedes."
A lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
Mid Life Crisis
A man in his 40's bought a new Mercedes convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer
A lawyer opened the door of his Mercedes, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious Mercedes.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Mercedessss!!!", he whiningly said.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid Mercedes, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my god....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?