Facebook Jokes

Facebook Short Jokes
When facebook starts showing how many times you've visited someone's profile, we're all screwed ...

Q: How ugly was my ex-girlfriend/boyfriend?
A: So ugly that Facebook banned her/his profile pic and sent her back to Myspace!

Q: Did you hear about the website where you can find a collection of Twitter's best jokes?
A: It's called Facebook.

Q: Why did John Connor lead the resistance against the machines?
A: Skynet refused to give John a Facebook friend request!

Q: What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
A: Instagram.

Q: How bad was Facebook's IPO offering?
A: Dick Cheney wants to take Mark Zuckerberg hunting!

When I was kid, my social network was called "outside".

I'm going to create a Facebook Account with the name "Nobody"
So when somebody posts something stupid I can say "Nobody Likes This!"

Q: Why is Facebook like Jail?
A: You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know!

Q: Why is Facebook a great site for loners?
A: Because it's the only place where they can talk to a wall and not be considered an loser!

Q: Why shouldn't have Facebook paid $18 Billion dollars for Whatsapp?
A: They could've downloaded it for free!

Q: Why did Mark Zuckerberg visit China?
A: To see the "Great Firewall".

Q: Why is Facebook like a refrigerator?
A: Because every few minutes you keep opening and closing it to see if there's anything good in it!

Q: Why is a survey, proving Facebook users have lower grades than non-users pointless?
A: Because Facebook users tell everyone how stupid they are with their status updates on a daily basis!

Q: In addition to the social networking site Facebook where else can you find Mafia members?
A: "Controlling all the trash hauling in Second Life"

Q: What does Mark Zuckerberg give his kids for snack time?
A: Instagram crackers.

Come to Myspace and Twitter my Yahoo
Til' I Google all over your Facebook.

Q: When FaceBook, MySpace and Twitter merge into one super social networking company what will it be called?
A: They will call it "My Twit Face."

Q: What happened after hackers shut down Twitter for a day?
A: Twitterers were relegated to communicating the old fashioned way, through Facebook!

Q: If Facebook is a loft in the city and Twitter is a house in the suburbs, what is Myspace?
A: A trailer park!

Q: What did the twitterer say before committing suicide?
A: My Facebook can remarry!

Q: Why did Atlanta Falcons lineman Quinn Ojinnaka post bail after getting into an altercation with his wife over facebook activity?
A: Because he was afraid of going to jail and really being poked!

Q: Why shouldn't you pay for a Classmates.com membership?
A: Because Myspace and Facebook are free!

Q: What happened after Miss New Jersey, Amy Polumbo, lost her crown due to racy pics being leaked from her Facebook Account?
A: Amy Polumbo received a million friend requests!

Q: What happened after the "Spam King" was charged with hacking in 500,000 facebook accounts and sending 27 millon unwanted messages?
A: He was convicted and sentenced 4 years of hard labor on Farmville!

Q: Why is Germany threatening Facebook with legal action over its facial recognition software?
A: They say it fails to identify which faces are Jewish!

Funny Facebook Status Update Quotes:

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

I haven't met Mr. Right yet, but I have met Mr. Fake, Mr. Player & Mr. A**hole. My middle finger likes them all

How is LIL WAYNE, a man with a wife, ex-wife, 5 baby mommas, 3 boos, 2 hoes & a partridge in a pear tree, gonna tell me how to love?

(1) Say "Eye" (2) Spell the word "Map" (3) Say "Ness".

Wanted by many, taken by none, looking at some, but waiting for one.

SCHOOL: 2 + 2 = 4. HOMEWORK: 2 + 4 + 2 = 8. EXAM: John has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the sun's mass.

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die.

The Hunger Games has 3 books: 23 people die each year in the games... There is 12 districts.. The movie came out 3-23-12.

If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.

I'm going to change my name on Facebook to 'Benefits', so that when you add me, it will say, "You are now friends with benefits."

That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.

What did the ocean say to the other ocean?... Nothing they just waved... Did you Sea what I did there?...I'm shore you did, beach.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. Faces like yours, Belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage. But laughing at you.

No one falls in love by choice its by chance No one stays in love by chance it is by work & no one falls out of love by chance its by choice

A relationship without trust is like a phone without service, all you do is play games.

God has no Phone but I talk to him. He has no Facebook but he is still my friend. He does not have a twitter but I still follow him.

When a Female says "What"... its not that she didn't hear you, shes giving you a chance to change what you just said.

Remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bi**h slap the f**ker!!

Thinks Women are magic creatures: they get wet without water, bleed without being injured, give milk without eating grass, & can make boneless meat ROCK HARD!

Got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but the bastards talked me out of it.

Boy sees his mum and dad having sex! Dad says "were making you a brother" Boy replies " do her doggy style i rather have a puppy".

"Dammit im mad" Back-Wards is still "DAMMIT IM MAD!"

Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold...

I am so ecstatic but why is nothing sticking to me?

Why is the jeopardy theme song stuck in my head? It is giving me a false sense of anxiety.

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

I am making it my job to put the "fun" back into "funeral."

Im moody like Squidward, a bit dumb like Patrick & sometimes a little selfish like Mr.Krabs but Ill always be here for u just like Spongebob

Emotionally... I'm done... Mentally... I'm drained... Spiritually... I feel dead... & yet Physically... I Smile.

What do you say when an atheist sneezes?

I wanna write "I miss you" on a rock then throw it at ur face, so you can feel how much it hurts missing you...

John is such a thrillseeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor' sign, I walk faster

Vaughn says, always take two Baptists fishing. If you take only one, he'll drink all your beer.

Lisa puts the pro in procrastinate

scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal today's status.

You want a perfect girl? Go buy a barbie.

Words begin with ABC. Numbers begin with 123. Music begins with do, re, mi. And friendship begins with you and me.

I'm strong cause I know my weaknesses. I'm alive because i'm a fighter.I'm wise because I've been foolish.I laugh because I've know sadness.

B**ch, please. Last time I checked, awesome ended with 'ME' and ugly started with 'u'

I wish life was a remote. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast forward the bullshit. Rewind the memories.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind you.

I'm officially done trying. If you want me in your life, you can come find me. Until then, continue treating me like I don't exist.

Political Party Decoder: Democrat: Peace. Love. Butterflies. Republican: Money. God. Money. Libertarian: Too much of a miser to be a democrat, not racist enough to be a republican. Green: Like a democrat, but smokes more pot. Independent: Too dumb to figure out what side they belong on.

Dear 60-year-old women on the beach--I am quite aware that you, just like everyone else in the world, have a butt. You may now proceed to the gift shop and buy a larger bikini, for chrissakes.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

You know you're addicted to Facebook If

You check your facebook account more then one time every hour

You visit sites that list reasons about being addicted to facebook.

Your profile has so man applications that it takes several minutes to load

Your long distance boyfriend broke up with you by posting a comment on your facebook page.

Your dreams involve people writing messages on your wall

You're one of the few people who actually use facebook chat

Your relationship status is only official if its been updated on facebook

You tag photos immediately after taking them with your camera phone

You have several facebook friends that you've never actually met in person

Before you accept a job you have to find out about their Facebook policies!

People don't invite you out without facebooking you about it first.

You tell more (....force) people to join facebook.

The world "poke" is no longer considered something physical to you

You like to receive meaningless gift icons and you like sending meaningless gift icons in return

You've already checked your Facebook account three times before finishing this list!

You join a new facebook group on a daily basis

Oh Grandma!
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

Mark Zuckerberg
In a recent interview Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg stated, "The only meat I'm eating is from things I've killed myself."
It was reported for lunch that afternoon he ate "Tom" from MySpace!

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