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Jewish Jokes


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Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
A: When it graduates from med school.

Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?
A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Q: What's the definition of a queer Jew?
A: Someone that likes girls more than money.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?
A: A Jew

Q: Why were gentiles invented?
A: Somebody has to pay retail.

Q: Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised?
A: Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it's 20% off

Q. What is the difference between a crucifixion and a circumcision?
A. In a crucifixion, they throw out the whole Jew.

Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Because the air is free.

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish troll?
A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin.

Q: Did you hear about the new tires, Firestein?
A: They not only stop on a dime, they also pick it up!

Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

Q: What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A: Genghis Cohen.

Q: Would you believe the Flinstones were Jewish?
A: Yabba Dabba Jew!

Q: Define: Genius
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.

Q: Who was the most well known Jewish cook?
A: Hitler!

Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the world.
They have some cut off before they even know how big it will get.

Q: Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
A: It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth.

Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu loch...

Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.

Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan.

Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?
A: Matzarello

Q: what does a Jewish pirate say?
A: Ahoy vey!

Q: How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
A: When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: Did you hear about the short-sighted mohel (circumciser)?
A: He got the sack.

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish ATM?
A: When you take out some money, it says to you, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious. That Israeli how he does it.

Twenty Dollars
A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.
His father replied, "ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter."

A Wife's Duty
Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Creation
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Israel. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It will have rolling hills and mountains full of goats and eagles, a beautiful, sparkling, clear ocean full of sea life and high cliffs overlooking white sandy beaches."
God continued, "And I shall make the land rich in oil to allow the inhabitants to prosper. I shall call these inhabitants ‘Jews’ and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But," asked Gabriel, "Don't you think you’re being too generous to these Jews?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."

Jewish Engagement
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."

Bus Driver
An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment. Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged, pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus company.] The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Rabbi.
When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says, "You can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone. The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says, "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Rabbi. I've worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?" The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed."

I'm Gonna Jump
In Jerusalem, a man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Jewish cop to talk him down. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of your Rabbi" Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Muslim! You're blocking traffic!"

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