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Vagina Jokes




Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q: Why is a vagina just like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So that men will speak to them!

Q: What does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
A: They are both stuck up cunts!

Q: What do homosexuals and mice have in common?
A: They both hate pussy!

Q: What did the penis say to the vagina?
A: Don't make me cum in there.

Q: What's the difference between balls and a pussy?
A: the harder the pussy, the more balls you need.

Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a public restroom?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who has been there before you!

Q: What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?
A: Cuntstubble.

Q: What do you call the space between the vagina and the arsehole?
A: The chinrest!

Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like bungee jumping too!

Q: What do you call the useless flesh that surrounds a vagina?
A: The woman!

What do you call the space between the twat and the shitter?
Twitter

Q: What do you call a Spanish chick with no legs?
A: cuntswaylow

Q: What’s the the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis cums in.

Q: What do you call the movie about Lara Croft's abortion?
A: Womb Raider

Q: What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth?
A: A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

Q: What do pimps and dogs have in common?
A: They both ate pussy

Q: What's the definition of a tongue-twister?
A: A spiral pussy!

Q: What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snowstorm?
A: When you eat pussy, you can always see the arsehole in front of you!

Q: What do you get if you stuff your hand up a gypsy's cunt when she is on her period?
A: Your palm Red!

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's pussy?
A: The other guys waiting their turn!

Girl "I wear heels bigger than your dick!"
Guy: "I take shits fresher than your pussy."

Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit!

Q: What’s the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley.

Q: What is 6.9?
A: a great number ruined by a period

Q: How do you know when your husband eats too much pussy?
A: When he goes to the dentist to get a haircut!

Q: How do you get a pussy wet?
A: Put it in the shower.

Q: What's the smallest hotel known to man?
A: A pussy. Because you leave your bags outside!

Q: What's the difference between a clit and a mobile phone?
A: Nothing, every cunt's got one!

Q: What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A: A pussy is sweet, juicy, succulent, warm, fun and a useful thing. The cunt is the thing that owns it!

Q: What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy?
A: Crust!

Q: What do you call that patch of hair between an old ladys tits?
A: Her snatch.

Q: What is a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Q: What if the Pilgrims had killed bobcats instead of turkeys?
A: We’d be eating pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley!

Q: Why do women have two holes.
A: So that when they are drunk, you can carry them like a six pack!

Q: Why is a Brazilian wax called the cabin strip?
A: Because it has a cockpit at one end of it

Q: What is anatomy?
A: the difference of knowing your pussy, and knowing you're a pussy.

Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
A: He could read lips!

Q: What do vaginas and screen doors have incommon?
A: The more they get slammed the looser they get.

Q: Where are you from?
A: A Vagina

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.

Q: What's the difference between a clitoris and a vagina?
A: a clitoris needs to be licked fingered an Palmed, but a vagina only needs to be pounded.

Q: Why is being in a rock band like a palm job?
A: The more you rock, the better you feel.

Q: Why are pussy pubic hairs curly?
A: You would poke your eye out if it were straight!

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a pussy?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

Q: How can you tell who had their pussy palmed?
A: She's the one holding an I love you sign.

One day this lady was selling this brand new microwave for a dollar.
And then this man said why so cheap
The lady said "Because one day I put my cat in there to dry off for a few minutes an I came back it was dead and now when I cook stuff it tastes like pussy."

Condom: You put me out off business for a week!
Tampon replies: boo-hoo, You put me out off business for 9 months!

I was fingering my girlfriend when she was on her period...and then her dad walked in on us and caught me red-handed.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy and his owner beats him.

Vagina One Liners

Why do people say "Grow some balls" balls are so weak & sensitive you ought to say "Grow a vagina" those things really take a pounding.

Sex is like Mcdonald's; I'm lovin it. Vagina is like subway; eat fresh. Dick is like gatorade; is it in you?

I'm not saying she's a slut, but her vagina should be in the NFL Hall of Fame for greatest wide-receiver.

They call your vagina 'Denny's' because it's always open, there's always creeps there late at night, and seniors eat free on Tuesday.

A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside

Ashes to ashes dust to dust your pussy full of rust

Do you have pet insurance? No?....Cause I'm gonna destroy your pussy!

I'm not saying she's a slut, but if her vagina was a video game it would be rated E for Everyone.

Cheating is not an accident. Falling off a bike is an accident... You don't just trip and fall into a vagina.

Hoe, I'd kick you in yo vagina but I don't wanna lose my shoe.

I'm confused... How come your instagram is private when your vagina is public?

No Vagina Jokes. Those aren't funny. PERIOD.

No Period Jokes either. Women might ovary act.

A "busy beaver" sounds like a derogatory term for a sexually promiscuous woman

I use air quotations when I say the word "vagina" because I've never actually seen one.

I'm not saying you're a slut, I'm just saying if your vagina had a password, it would be 1234.

Your vagina should be called Jasmine, because it's always got Aladdin

The bacteria found in yogurt is the same one found in a vagina.

If a vagina really did taste like chicken I'm guessing black dudes would probably be WAY more into eating it.

I'm not saying she's a slut, I'm just surprised that Foursquare has not made her vagina a place to "check in" yet

Guy: hey want to hear a joke about my dick never mind it's too long
Girl: wanna here a joke a bout my vagina never mind you'll never get it
Guy: wanna here another joke about your pussy never mind it stinks!

Moral Of The Story
There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw.
Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in.
The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.

Farm
One day on the farm, a little boy kicks a cow.
His mama says if you kick the cow you get no milk.
The next day the boy kicks the pig.
His mama says if you kick the pig you get crappy bacon.
The day after he kicks the chicken.
His mama says if you kick the chicken you get no eggs.

His daddy walks through the door and kicks the cat.
The little boy says to his mama: should I tell him or do you want to?

Panties
A girl came to her mom and said "Mommy! I've got 5 dollers"
Her mom said "Where from?"
"Tommy from down the road he dared me to do a cartwheel" she replied
"Dear that boy is just trying to see your panties!"
"oohh" the girl says
The next day the girl comes to her mom and says "Mommy I've got 10 dollers!"
"I told you dont trust that boy!"
"NO mommy I tricked him I didn't where panties today

Teeth

A little boy & a little girl are playing doctor behind a barn.
They are both bear butt naked.
The little boy's mom comes around the corner, and catches them.

She grabs her son by the arm, and drags him to the house.
Spanking him the whole way.
When they get back to the house she sits him down, and says to the little boy "don't be messing' with those little girls vaginas.
They got teeth down there, and they'll bit off anything that get near it.
" Well the little boy grows up still thinking' this.
He gets to high school.
He falls in love. 17 Years old, and still a virgin.
Now he's 21, and he asks he's girl friend to marry him.
Still a virgin. He's 24, it's he's wedding night, and he's still a virgin.
They go on there honey moon, and now their in bed.
Their foolin' around. When he gets off he rolls over and turns off the light.
His wife says " wy, wy, wy, just a minute aren't we going to have sex? "
He says "No, my mom done told me about you women, ya'll got teeth in ya'lls vaginas. "
She says "No I don't, if you don't believe me turn on the light and look."
So, he turns on the light and she shows him.
She says "Well?"
He says "No wonder you aint got no teeth, look at the shape your gums are in "

Peaches
So one day this man named Sam was driving down the freeway and he sees a sign "Any flavor peach next exit" , so Sam is quite curious and takes the next exit..
Walks up to this man name Jeff and Sam says to him I want a banana flavored peach, Jeff Says "oh thats easy" and throws him a banana flavored peach.
Sam Bites into it and it taste just like a banana.
Sam really wants to get this guy so he says "Alright i want a peanut butter and jelly flavored peach", Jeff Throws him the peach Sam bites into it and Says "I can taste the peanut butter but wheres the Jelly?"
Jeff says to him "Oh you just have to turn it around". and he does it taste like jelly..
So Sam really wants to get Jeff like Badly and he says ok "I want a PUSSY flavored peach!"
Jeff throws it over to Sam, he bites into it spits it out "OOhHH That taste like Shit!"
Jeff says oh you just have to turn it around!


Three Tampons
One day three tampons were walking down the street.
A Midi, a Maxi and a Mini.
Which one of the tampons speaks to you first?
None of them because they are all stuck up cunts!

Keeping Up in the Shower
Kim and Kourtney Kardashian were having a shower together.
Kourtney said to Kim "How come you dont have any hairs on your pussy"
Kim replied, "Have you ever seen grass grow on a busy road?"

The Talk
DAUGHTER: Mum!
MUM: Whats wrong?
DAUGHTER: I am worried.
MUM: Why are you?
DAUGHTER: Hair is growing here (between my legs).
MUM: Wow! that place where hair is growing is "monkey", so be proud of it.
DAUGHTER: mmmmmmhhh! smiled. sister, hair is growing on my "monkey"
SISTER: Thats nothing, mine is already eating "bananas"

Seven Wise Men
Seven wise men made up their minds, to build them a pussy of their design.
The 1st was a carpenter, full of wit, with hammer and chisel he made the split.
The 2nd a blacksmith black as coal with anvil and sledge he made the hole.
The 3rd a tailor long and slim with a piece of red ribbon he lined it within.
The 4th a furrier big and stout with the skin of a bear he lined it without.
The 5th a fisherman old and bent with a rotten herring he gave it the scent.
The 6th a doctor with an m.d. degree he patted it and felt it and said it would pee.
The 7th a rabbi a mean little runt he fucked it and blessed it and called it a cunt.

Research
A major hospital was doing research, looking into a possible correlation between vaginosis and hearing loss.
After contacting women who were treated at their obgyn clinic by phone, the patients were asked ---
Have you experienced any hearing loss since the onset of your symptoms?

The number one response was --

Twat's that? I c*nt hear you!

Two Women On A Bridge
Two women are standing on the bridge and one says to the other "You know I want to pee off the bridge like men do."
So she goes to the side of the bridge and squats over the water and pulls down her pants and says "You see that canoe down there, I'm going to pee on that canoe!"
And the other woman says "That's not a canoe, that's your reflection."

Fishing
Two men were fishing,one not catching anything while the other would sniff his bait prior to baiting and catch a fish with every cast, after several casts his friend snarls, same boat same rod and real and I am not catching a dam thing and what's with the sniffing of the bait before casting?
His friend replies. My brother in law is a undertaker and saves me the clits of his female corpses.
So his friend then asks, why do you sniff them before you cast are you some kind of freak?
No he replies, my brother in law likes to be a comedian and throws an asshole in once in a while.

One day little johnny was playing out side and he really had to use the bathroom at that time his grandma was getting in the shower as she got undressed he looked down and said "Whats that?"
The grandma replied "That's my beaver."
Little johnny said "OK,"
The next day the same thing happened except this time it was his mom
Little johnny said "Mom i know what that is its a beaver."
The mom said "Did grandma tell you that?"
Little johnny replied "Yes but I think grandmas is dead her beaver's tongue is sticking out."

Hair In Soup
This biker goes into a diner and orders the beef stew. After receiving his order he calls the waitress to his table. He says, "Look at this, there's a hair in my soup, I'm not paying for this." And he gets up and walks out. The waitress, a little suspicious of his behaviour follows him and watches him enter a brothel. She creeps in and opens the door and sees him full face between a prostitutes legs. She bursts into the room and exclaims, "You complained about one little hair in your soup, and look at you now." The biker looks up and says, "I'll tell ya what, if I find a noodle in here, I'm not paying for this either.


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