Toilet Jokes
Why did the elephant go in the mens room?
He wanted some nuts
When does Denzel Washington have to hang out with Rugrats?
Potty Training Day.
What did the poo say to the fart?
You blow me away.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
He wanted to get to the bottom.
If your American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?
European
Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at a nursing home.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack!
Why did the cop sit on the toilet?
To do his duty.
Why does the elephant bring toilet paper to the party?
Because he is a party pooper.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
What do you call a bathroom Superhero?
Flush Gordon.
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station!
Why did the baby put pennies in his diaper?
It needed to be changed.
What did the kid say to the toilet?
Toilet, Did you order a number two because i have one ready for you.
Why won't blondes take their iPhones to the bathroom?
Because they don't want to give away their IP address!
What would you find in Superman's bathroom?
Superbowl.
Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?
Because he was pissed off.
What do you call a fairy using the toilet?
Stinker bell!
What do you sing after your girlfriend clogs up the toilet?
"Mop In The Name Of Love"
Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
Because its finger licking good!
How did the blind women parents punish her?
They stuck a plunger in the toilet.
What do you get when you combine the Sham Wow and a Snuggie?
A reason to pee in your pants!
What do you get when you mix castor oil with holy water?
A religious movement.
Why doesn't Chuck Norris have to flush the toilet?
He scares the shit out of it!
Why did they install a toilet at the garbage heap?
Every one had to take a dump.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
One but you would have to slice him very thinly
What do you call a country where everyone is pissed?
A urination.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look flushed!
Yo mama so fat when she sat on the toilet it sang abcdefg get your fat butt off of me.
"Hi my name is Charmin and you must be the shit 'cause I want you all over me."
I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together.
Poop Jokes are not my favorite but they are a solid #2
I had a nightmare where I couldn't wipe my ass. It was the shittiest dream ever.
On a scale of one to ten urinate.
Confucius says, "Man who dig for watch in toilet, bound to have shitty timing".
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Urine.
Urine Who?
URINEsecure don't know what for.
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message. She wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you ate crying, send me your tears.
I love you".
Her husband texted back:
" I'm in the toilet, please advise.
Marriage
One guy is in love with a girl
He goes to the girl's father and says "I want to marry your daughter."
The father says "With the money you have you can't even pay for my daughter's toilet paper."
The guy say's, "Don't worry, i'm not going to marry a girl who is full of crap."
Bathroom Call
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes
later,
a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few
minutes
after
that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The
bartender goes
into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the
screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush,something
comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...
"You idiot!"
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Musical Toilet
So there is a musical toilet and whoever sits on it,the toilet will sing you a song.
So the first guy, Bob, went in and came out and a guy, Larry, asked "What did it sing for you?" and Bob said "Amazing Grace"
And another guy, Sam, went in and came out and Larry asked "What did it sing for you?" and Sam said "Star Spangled Banner"
And another guy, Jerry, went in and came out but when he came out from sitting on the musical toilet he looked very embarrassed and Larry asked "What did it sing for you?"
And Jerry answered "Do you see what I see?"
Bathroom
Boy: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet
Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher: Where's the p?
Boy: "Half way down my leg."
Womens Bathroom
This guy was on a
plane and he really had to pee. He went to the back of the plane and there was
a line for the men's room. So, he asked a female to see if there was anyone
in the ladies room. She responded no, go ahead in there but don't press any of
the buttons. He said alright. he went to the bathroom, relieved. He saw the
buttons and decided to push them anyway thinking "what could go wrong?"
The first button he pushed was blue, he goes bbrrrrrr, that's cold having cold water spray into his ass hole.
The second button was red and he goes "oh that feels really good. How come there aren't any buttons like these in the men's room?"
The last button he pushed was a white button with the letters ATR on it. The next thing he knew he woke up in a hospital.
He asked the nurse "why am I in the hospital?" she responded "because u hit the ATR button" laughing hysterically while she said it.
He said "what's so funny? what does ATR mean?"
She responded automatic tampon remover.
Kinds of Poo
THE GHOST POO
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POO
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
THE WET POO
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POO
This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poo". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POO
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POO
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POO
The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO
The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POO
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POO
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POO
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO
A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POO
This poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POO
This is any poo created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POO
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POO
Now you see it, now you don't. This poo is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poo (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near pooing facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POO
This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poo.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO
This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poo.
PREMEDITATED POO
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
POOZOPHERENIA
Fear of pooing - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO
Also known as a "Still Going" poo.
THE NUCLEAR POO
It's a Kind A Poo That Happens when you eat the ghost chili. Combo of The Bombshell and the second wave. this poo will ruin your bathroom and clears the house. WARNING: it will hurt your ASS & Rip ya a new One!
THE POWER DUMP POO
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POO
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.)
THE SPINAL TAP POO
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" POO
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POO
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POO
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POO
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POO
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" POO
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
THE "YOU'VE GOT POO ON YOUR SHOES, YOU POO SHOE BASTARD" POO
No explanation required.