STD Jokes


Why shouldn't you eat your girlfriend's peas?
Because they are herpes.

Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection.
A quarter-pounder with cheese.

What's the difference between love and herpes?
Herpes lasts forever.

Whats green and eats nuts
Gonorrhea

How do you know if you dating a slut?
She has more crabs than Red Lobster

Did you hear about the book about STDs?
It's written by Dunt Fuh Kerr.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS

What's the difference between a midget and an STD?
Ones a cunning runt the other is a running cunt.

Q:How do you make your crabs feel at home?
A:rub sand in your pubes!

Why did the blonde name her dog Herpes?
Because it wouldn't heel

What is the most positive thing about living in a mobile home?
HIV.

Why doesn't Elin Nordegren ever shop at the fish market?
Because Tiger is always bringing home crabs!


two lumps of vomit are flying through the air one says to the other "you look upset" the other one says "I know i was brought up around here.

Why did God invent the yeast infection?
So women know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury doughboy?
A redhead with a yeast infection.

A teen girl walks into a medical clinic and tells the doctor she has "Bieber Fever"
Doctor: Nope it is Herpes!

So, if you have the clap and you spread it around, is it called applause?

STD Jokes are funny when you don't have any!

Yo mama so dumb she thought grape nuts was a venereal disease

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Ache
Ache Who?
Sorry I Did Not Know You Have Mono.

Stan: Hey man do want ebola...
Cartman: Hell nah man I ain't black like Token
Stan: Dude what the fuck You didnt let me finish I was going to say ebol-a-cerial.

Chinese Sex
There was an american man who lived in China and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time he was there.
Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis.the man freaked out.
He went to the doctor.

The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests."
So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 days for your test results.

The man came back in 3 days and the doctor said "I have some bad news.you have a disease called pongolion HP. It is very uncommon here and we now little about it. I'm sorry sir but we will need to amputate your penis."
The man was horrified.

He went to a Chinese doctor thinking he would know more about it.
The doctor said "oh yes, pongolion HP, very ware. yes" said the Chinese Doctor.
The american doctor wants to amputate my penis.
"Stupid a american doctah, make more money that way, no need amputate."
"Oh thank god" said the man.
"Yes,wait 2 weeks, fall off by itself."

Good News, Bad News
A man was seeing his doctor. the doctor said, "I have good news
and bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Your wife has syphillis."
"Jeez! What could possibly be good news."
"She didn't get it from you."

Father and Son
A father and son went to see a doctor since the father
was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son
that the father was dying from cancer.
The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and
said, "Son, even on this dark and gloomy day, its our tradition
to drink to health as it is in death, so let's go to the
bar and celebrate my demise."
Reluctantly, his son follows him to the local bar.
There, while enjoying their beers, the father sees some old
friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.
Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father,
you're not dying from AIDS, you're dying from cancer, why did
you lie to those men?"
The father replies, "Aye, you are right, my son; but I
don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."

Jewish Engagement
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."

Schoolgirl & Priest
Amber, An 18 year old catholic girl goes to confession.
Amber: I called a boy a mother fucker last night.
Priest: Why did you do that?
Amber: He kissed me.
The priest bent over and kissed her. Priest: like that?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.
The priest grabbed her butt. Priest: like this?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.
The priest then pulled her pants down. Priest: Like this?
Amber: Yes.
Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.
The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where. Priest: Like this?
Amber: yes Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No
Priest: then why did you call him a mother fucker?
Amber: He had genital herpes!
Priest: That MOTHER FUCKER!

Thirteen Year Old
One day a thirteen year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a
dead frog behind him.
The Madam asks, "Can I help you son?"
He replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."
She says, "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls."
So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200. To which she says,
"She'll be waiting for you up stairs."
The boy says, "But shes got to have Herpes with active sores."
The Madam replies, "But all my girls are clean!"
So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.
The Madam says, "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 15 mins".
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. A half an hour
later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face and
still dragging the dead frog.
By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him,
"Why did you come in here,dragging a dead frog and asking for
a girl with herpes sores?".
"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home today I
fuck the baby-sitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get
home, my dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have
sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets home my mom and dad will
make love and she'll get it. And at about noon,
when dad has gone to work, the mailman will come round, fuck my
mother and he'll get it. AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG!"

Terminal Diet
A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes
to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests
and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.

It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me???" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it's the only food we can get under the door."

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