Sex Jokes

What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!

When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source=:)

Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, da meaner I get

Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

Sex is like math.
Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don't Multiply!

How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.

Two potatos are standing on a corner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute?
The one that says IDAHO!

What did the penis say to the condom?
Cover me im going in! 

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.

What did the corn chip say to the battery?
I'm Frito Lay if your Ever Ready.

Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
Because his wife died!

Three words to ruin a man's ego...?
"Is it in?"

What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
I want you inside me!

Girl: "Hey, what's up?"
Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"

What's the difference between you and eggs?
Eggs get laid and you don't

What do you call mobile porn?
Flash Drive

How does a car have sex?
It gets rear-ended.

What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.

Why are pubic hairs so curly?
So they don't poke out your eyes.

Why did they arrest the female fisherman?
Because she was a reel hooker.

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees.

Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel's pierced?
That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener.

How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?...Phone her!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent....
Wedding cake.

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother!

Whats worse than getting fingered by Captain Hook?
Getting raped by jack the ripper.

What's a porn star's favorite drink?
7 Up in cider.

Why is 88 better than 69?
Because you get eight twice!

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

How do you properly fuck a fat woman?
Roll her around in flour and find the wet spot!

Why is Off the happiest man in the world?
Cause hes always being fucked and blown (although sometimes he gets pissed).

Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?
( "I don't know what?" )
You don't know? wanna do lunch tomorrow?

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

What does fucking a woman and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?
Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.

Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
To find a tight seal.

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

Why is oral sex with an ugly person like rock climbing?
You don't want to look down.

What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?
"You Beat It, and I'll cumma cumma cum."

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.

Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

Why did the pornstar have to retire?
Too many cock-cussions.

Whats 72?
69 with three people watching.

Whats the worst thing about dating a blonde?
If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.

What's the difference between a babies and musician groupies?
The babies suck fingers.

How do mermaids reproduce?

Why is fresh air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

What does a cheap dinner date and disappointing sex have in common?
Two minute noodles.

Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?
So they can piss & moan at ths same time!

What are three words you dread the most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."

How is sex like air?
It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.

When do you call a German orgy?

What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for having sex with a horse?
In his defence he claimed it was a stable relationship.

What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?
Her knees.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

What do you call it when you have oral sex, vaginal sex, and anal sex with your girl all in the same night?
The fucking cycle.

What does the sign on the whore house say, after they have closed for the day?
We're Closed, Beat It!

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out. 

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?
A clit around the ear and a flap across the face!

What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?
Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!

What do a good employee and a lousy lover have in common?
They're always coming early.

What's the smallest hotel in the world?
a pussy, because you have to leave the bags outside.

Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?

What's the difference between a redneck and poor white trash?
a redneck will knock his sister up; poor white trash will marry her.

What do you call a Muslim stripper?
youseen memuff

What do you say when balls are slapping against your chin?
Nothing! You're got a mouthful!

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
a 10 foot cock that wants to touch someone.

Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.
Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can't beat a blowjob.

What do you call a whore with her own car?
Feels on Wheels!

What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear. 

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass

What kind of sex do pizza delivery boys have?
Deep dish.

Did you hear about the spread that lost its virginity?
It got marmalaid

What is the metric equivalent of 69?
1 ate 1.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You either need a good partner or a good hand.

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

What is the difference between women and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you put a load into it

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose.

What did the left nut say to the right nut?
Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick.

What do you call a fat girl having sex?
A Wide Receiver.

Why do scientists watch animals having sex?
Because, that's the only sex they'll ever experience!

Why don't rednecks do reverse cowgirl?
Because they don't turn their back on family.

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

What do blondes say after sex?
"Thanks, guys!".

What do you get when you cross a potato with corn?

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What's the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.

Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
They don't want to wear out the camel.

What do you get when the pope is having a shag?
a holy fuck.

What do you call 2 jalapenos haveing sex?
Fucking hot!

If a dove is the "bird of peace" then what's the bird of "true love"?
The swallow.

What do you call a woman with 4 legs?
Doggy Style.

What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A microwave doesn't brown your meat!

What do you call it when a guy cums in his hands, then claps?
a baby shower!

What comes after 69?

How do you have sex with a camel?
One hump at a time.

What did the monkey say during sex?
"Oh ah oh"

When do you get clean and dirty at the same time?
When you're having sex in the shower.

What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time?
Cumming of Age.

What's the difference between you and a nail?
A nail gets hammered all the time but you don't.

What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common?
In each scenario there was a DUMBASS who didn't take it out in time.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

Why do blondes not use vibrators for anal?
They dont wanna get a headache.

What's A Pornstar's Favorite dessert?

What's the difference in between a light bulb and a blonde?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Where can you find the vowels?
In the bedroom, why? Because ahhhh... ehhhhh... ighhh.... oooohhhhh..... uhhhhhhh..........

Why was the snowman so horny?
Because he saw a plow truck.

What is similarity between woman and mobile?
They both are charged at night.

What did the Banana say to the Vibrator?
Why are you laughing? I'm the one going to be eaten.

A pervert walks over to this sorority girl, he said "Bend over and spell run."
So she bent over next thing she knew there was a sharp pain she said "R U N"
The perverted guy said "As far as I can go."

A dad tell his son "Stop masterbating! if you do it too long you will go blind."
The son replied "Dad, I'm over here"

Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher?
Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.

Three people having sex is a threesome.
Two people doing it is called a twosome.
So why is "handsome" a compliment.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. makes the wife look like she is moving when we are having sex.

Before sex you help each other undress... After sex you only dress yourself.
Moral of the Story: In life, you're on your own once your fucked.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bang your mum.

Mouse: How do you fuck the computer?
Keyboard: You just open legs and insert disk.

Girl: Do you remember the first time you had sex?
Boy: Sure i do, man was i scared, i was all alone.

Guy with gun walks in. "Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he said.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

One Liners
Boy sees his mom and dad having sex! Dad says "were making you a brother" Boy replies " do her doggy style I rather have a puppy".

A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.

A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of a standing cock.

Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Men screw with dicks. Women screw with minds.

Don't have phone sex. You might get hearing aids.

Karma is like 69. You get what you give.

Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied men! But behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man..!

Marry and make a woman happy OR remain a bachelor and make several women happy!

Confucius says'," it take many nails to build a crib, one screw to fill it"!

A boy goes to a strip club. His MOM gets angry : Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see? BOY: Yes, I saw dad!

Sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

My wife is so kinky, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said "Don't forget to pull my hair"
I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night. Woke up with a massive correction.

I don't have a dirty mind I have a sexy imagination

When in doubt, pull it out.

Wanna know what slut stands for sexy, large, unforgetable, tits

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my my name, address and telephone number

You think 7 years for a mirror is bad? Try breaking a condom.

When life gets tough, remember: You were the strongest sperm.

When, I think of my books I touch my shelf.

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

Women say us men only think with our penis. Ladies, don't be afraid to blow our minds.

I was in math class and my teacher asked "what comes after 69?" Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.

Dear young girls losing their virginity... if you're age is on the clock, you're too young for the cock.

Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life's a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high!

Normal chickens say cock-a-doodle-doo. Wierd chickens say doodle-cock-a-doo. A slutty chicken says any-cock-will-do.

It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn't block access to porn sites on the internet.

Nursing School
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

Little Sister
A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom.
There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what are you doing to mama?"
Then the daddy says "Making you a little sister"
And then the boy replies "Hell no do it doggy style I want a puppy."

Like The Movies
A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon.

The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?"

The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummeled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face."

The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?

"Turns out we watch different movies."

Doctors Office
There was a girl that came into the doctors office.
Then awed by her beauty all his professionalism goes right out the window.
He tells her to take her pants off , then he starts to rub her thighs, he asked her "Do you know what I am doing?"
She replied "Yes your checking for abnorbilities."
Then he tell her to take of her bra and shirt and he rubs her boobs and asks her "Do you know what I am doing?"
She says yes checking for cancer.
Then he takes off her panties and starts having sex with her . Then he asks "Do you know what i am doing?"
She said "Yep getting HIV that's why I came here.

Who Enjoys Sex More
A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"

Mirror, Mirror
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop from a gypsy, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

Car Salesmen
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, this economy sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

A man is telling his friend of a recent experience:
"I was walking along beside the railway line" he says, "When I saw this girl tied to the tracks. Well, naturally I freed her, pulled her off the tracks and ended up having sex with her all night."
"Did you get a blow job?" asks his friend.
"No!" he says, "I never did find the head."

A salesman go out of town for business.
After a couple of weeks he comes home and tells his wife about it. "Guess what dear, I earned 4000 dollars by selling 50 mattresses and 30 pairs of panties."
The wife replies "Really, well with just one mattress and no panties I earned twice as much."

Rear Ended
I go to this job back is killing me...
The employer asks "What happened?"...
I said "I got rear ended"
She says "that is look the car alright?"
I didn't there was a car accident!!!

Give Me One
This guy is married and his wife knows he is a bit of a cranky pants.
They go out together on a night out.
They go to the restaurant and order a nice meal.
Midway through he calls the waiter and says, "Is there any such thing as a decent glass of wine to go with this dinner, if so give me one."
Then they go to a pub where he calls to the barman, "Is there any such thing as pints of beer here, if so give me one."
On the way home they stop at a takeaway where he says, "Is there any such thing as a burger here, if so give me one."
They go home and then go to bed and the man says "Is there any such thing as sex here?"
His wife says, "It depends."
The man says, "What do you mean by that?"
and his wife responds, "Is there any such thing as an orgasm here, if so give me one."

Giggling Boy
A boy comes down stairs for breakfast and asks his grandma "Has my mom and dad come down stairs yet?" The grandma says "no" the boy giggles and goes out side to play
He came back in for lunch and askd again the gramma says "no" he giggles and goes out side to play
He later comes in for dinner and asks once again "Have my mom and dad come downstairs yet?" She says "no" he giggles
Finnally she asks him why he keeps giggling when he asks that the boy said "Last night dad asked me for the lubricant but instead I gave him super glue"

Praying Old Man
An old man is at his bedside praying when his wife says...

What are you doiung?

I'm praying for guidence..Replies the old guy.

Well..Says the wife...."Just pray for stiffness & i'll guide the fucker"

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