Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!
Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: The one with the dirty knees.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
Q: What do you call a woman who doesn't know how to make a sandwich?
Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.
Q: What do you call a man at an abortion clinic?
Q: What do you call a woman that wears flip-flops in winter?
Q: What do you call a chubby girl on the phone?
A: A teletubby.
Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
A: E.T. eventually went home!
Q: Do you know what's great for instant messages?
A: Baseball bats.
Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!
Q: What do you call a guy who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub?
A: A bartender
Guy: "Wanna hear a joke?"
Girl "No, thanks I am already looking at one!"
Wife: Baby, I'm pregnant. What do you want it to be?
Husband: A joke.
Short White Guy: "You're tall, Do you play basketball?"
Tall Black Guy: "You're short, Do you work for Willy Wonka."
Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.
I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.
I don't have enough middle fingers for you today.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.
So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle.
Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?"
The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"
An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's mohawk is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.
When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"
The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a peacock. I thought maybe you were my kid."
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead
A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race.
The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form's headline the following day read, "Preacher's Ass Shows."
The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper's headline read, "Preachers Ass Out in Front."
The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass." This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day's headlines read, "Nuns Have Best Ass in Town." The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal.
So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks."
They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, "Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death."
A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father
A doctor starts having an affair with a much younger woman. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do--they won't consider abortion and don't want to put the baby up for adoption.
But the doctor's not going to leave his wife, and the young woman can't stand the thought of taking care of the child alone.
Several months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to his mistress, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened? "
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Monkey See Monkey Do
A man was driving down the road with his monkey in the back of his van.
He sees a hitchhiker and picks him up.
They were going down the road talking, when the monkey came flying up front and unzipped the drivers pants and goes to town on him.
The man slaps the monkey and makes him go to the back of the van.
A few minutes later the same thing happens.
The hitchhiker said "Man that is amazing I have never seen anything like that"
The driver says " Do you want to try it?"
The hitchhiker said "Yes, But don't hit me that hard!"
A father and son walk into a bar and the dads says to the son. "What do you want fathead?"
The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?"
A lady close by says, "Why do you keep calling your son fathead".
And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along."
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled
.....so I told her to fuck off.