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Penis Jokes

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q: What do you get when you cross and owl and a rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night long.

Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can't find the zipper!

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Q: What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
A: He smashed his his nose.

Q: What happens when you make a penis out of Legos?
A: You get COCK BLOCKed.

Q: How many knees do men really have?
A: 3.... right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
A: Hopefully your girlfriend.

Q: What did the penis say to the vagina?
A: Don't make me cum in there.

Q: What do you call an endowed puppet?
A: Well strung.

Q: What do you call an erection when listening to hymns?
A: an organ boner

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Q: What did the O say to the Q?
A: "Dude, your dickís hanging out."

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a cock?
A: The man.

Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her sonís dick!

Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

Q: How many parrots can you fit down a man's pants?
A: Depends on the length of the perch.

Q: Why do Justin Biebers male friends nickname him "Shotgun"?
A: Give him a cock and he'll Blow!

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: a dicktator!

Q: What do you call a country where everyone is pissed?
A: A urination.

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.

I heard Justin Bieber has an 8 inch cock
But itís in his ass and belongs to Usher.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.

Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm bank say when clients are leaving?
A: Thanks for coming!

Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!

Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: Donīt talk to the guy in the middle, heīs a dick.

Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men?
A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with!

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in the chicken

Q: What do you ask a angry dick?
A: Is someone messing with your head?

Q: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A: Beef strokiní off.

Q: What is a diaphragm?
A: A trampoline for dickheads.

Q: What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day?
A: A Terrorwrist

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it Ė weíre closed.

Q: Whatís the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip!

Q: Whatís another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: What do you call a guy who can swim without using his arms and legs?
A: Clever dick.

Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with A telephone pole?
A: a 10 foot cock that wants to touch someone.

Girl "I wear heels bigger than your dick!"
Guy: "I take shits fresher than your pussy."

Q: Whatís the ultimate rejection?
A: When youíre masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: What did the left nut said to the right nut?
A: Look at the dude in the middle tryna look all hard.

Q: Where does a penis get its sports gear?
A: Dicks sporting goods

Q: What do you call a man with. Three legs?
A: Tom (DICK) & harry

Q: What do a Rubix cube and a cock have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A: "Is it in?"

Q: Where can one find a lot of dicks?
A: In a Penistentiary.

Q: Why did the battleship go through the car wash?
A: Because it was full of sea men!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q: What does 69 equal?
A: A couple of mouths full.

Do you like duck meat?
Then duck down here and get some meat.

Daughter: Why is the dick called a dick?"
Mom: "Because it is short for dirty stick."

A dad tell his son "Stop masterbating! if you do it too long you will go blind."
The son replied "Dad, I'm over here"

What time is it when the big penis points to 12 and the little penis points to 6? Dicks of Clock.

Life of a Dick is sad
Its family is nuts
Its neighbor is an asshole
Its best friend is a pussy
and when it get excited...
it barfs

Boy: If I washed my cock would you suck it?
Girl: No!!!!!!
Boy: You dirty COCK SUCKER?

One Liners

I named my penis "The Truth" because bitches can't handle it.

Tsutsumi is the ancient Japanese art of packaging the penis to offer as a gift to the lover.

You traded in your iPhone 4s for an extra half inch? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same.

Sex is like Mcdonalds, I'm lovin it. Pussy is like Subway, eat fresh. Penis is like Gatorade, is it in you?
I think your penis and my vagina need to have a "debate"

If you masterbate on a plane do they charge you with "hi-jacking"?

My boss asked me to work overtime on Saturday this weekend. I said I couldn't because I had my masturbation classes on Saturday and I don't want to come to late.

They say penis size is related to shoe size. Which makes the fear of being raped by a clown that much scarier.

It sucks to be a penis because your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an ass hole, your best friend is a pussy, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up!

My penis is so polite. It stands up so girls can sit down.

It's so cold right now, that I just saw my penis on the back of a milk carton

Put a bumper sticker on your car that says: "Honk if you have a small penis" and then intentionally cut people off in traffic...

Some guys are quick to call a girl a hoe, but even quicker to put their penis in one.

So, Almost every sport has to do with balls, Guys must really like playing with them....

I guess those penis enlargement pills are working, you're twice the dick you were yesterday!

I got fired because I lied on my resume with my new employer. I really didn't think they'd actually measure my penis.

Did you here about the guy who went to the anal republic his dick came back talking shit

There's a species of spider that breaks off its own penis during sex to avoid being eaten by the female afterward.

Females will never be truly satisfied on Valentines Day until you have a chocolate flavored penis that ejaculates diamonds.

Women say us men only think with our penis. Ladies, don't be afraid to blow our minds.

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until i catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.

I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night. Woke up with a massive correction.

If it hurts when you pee. Urine trouble!

My girlfriend just caught me blow-drying my penis and asked what was I doing. Apparently, "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.

Scientist say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Math is real hard, and my penis is too.

I was 6 inches away from making a penis joke.

I saw this guy, he was talking about dicks, then he changed it to talk about foreskin. Willy make his mind up?

Itís not the size of the penis that matters, itís the fact that you understand the beginning of this sentence was a blatant lie.

They laughed at me when I tried to register my penis as a lethal weapon. The laughing stopped after I slapped 3 people in the face with it.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy and his owner beats him.

Normal chickens say cock-a-doodle-doo. Wierd chickens say doodle-cock-a-doo. A slutty chicken says any-cock-will-do.

I guess those penis enlargement pills are working, you're twice the dick you were yesterday!

there was a young man from Hein who invented a wanking machine on the very last stroke the bastard thing broke and whipped his balls to cream.

My friend decided to put his gun in his pants to conceal it. The gun accidentally went off, now he's half cocked.

If uncle Jack helped you off a horse would you help uncle jack off a horse

Masturbating is for dicks.

Penis jokes are so old...I mean cum on

When Albert Einstein masterbates is it a stroke of genius?

I have a knife and a penis, you choose which one is going inside you

They say penis size is related to shoe size. Which is why I never want to be raped by a clown.

I want a tattoo on my penis that says "Click to enlarge." Except, without the 'C'.

I named my penis Attention, because we all know how much women love attention.

Pickup Artist

This guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.

"Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"

She didn't answer.

"Well, my name is Barry!"

"Okay" she said "Barry what?"

"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"

So he wrote it down.

She read allowed, "Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."

She slapped him and stormed off.

Adam and Eve

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Two Catholic Priests

Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's penis.
He says "I'm not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn't that supposed to be on your arm?"
And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!

10 Inch Bic
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know do you realy think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

Beautiful Blonde
A guy is in a bar having a quiet drink by himself when a young beautiful blonde lady walks up to him and asks him to buy her a drink.
The guy turns and says to her "Have you ever had a BUDGIE sit on your right shoulder?"
Blonde says "NO!"
Guy says "Have you ever had a PARROT sit on your left shoulder?"
Blonde says "NO!"
Guy then says, "Aah but I bet you've had a Cock,or,too (cockatoo) in your Mouth."

Drunk Blonde
A blonde is driving down a deserted highway when she gets pulled over.

The cop gets out of his car and asks if she has been drinking and she replies "No".

His breathalyzer equipment is broken

So he radios the station and asks what to do.

The cop at the station says "Is she a blond driving a lipstick red corvette?" and the cop replies "Yes".

So the other cop says "What you do is tell her to get out of the car and pull out your dick as you walk up to her".

So the cop does exactly what the other cop says.

The blond gets out of the car and he whips out his dick.

The blond "sighs" and says "Please not another breathalyzer test!"

Sex with Wife

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my penis on the curtains and she still screaming."


Make That Horse...

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".


Bad Johnny

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

School Psychologist

A school psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"According to your child's names you all have obsessions," she stated.

To the first mother, she said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

She turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Redhead, Brunete, Blonde

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."


Red Rings

One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis.
He canít figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor hands him a tube of cream.
"Here. Put this on and the ringíll be gone within the hour," the doctor said.
The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone within the hour.
But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again.
He goes to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts on.
The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning.
This goes on for a few days before the man finally asks, "Doctor, the cream youíre giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, but then it comes back in the morning. Whatís the stuff youíre giving me?"
The doctor hands him another tube of it before replying, "Lipstick remover."

Friend's Advice
A man asks his friend Rick (since he's a ladies' man) how to have longer sex.
Rick replies "I slam my dick against a dresser hard to make it bigger and numb, so I can go longer in the sack".
The man slams his dick on a dresser when with his wife and his wife says "Rick? Is that you?"

Tattoo Parlor
One day a man walks into a tattoo shop and requests to have a tattoo on his dick
Tattoo artist: What do you want it to say?
Husband: I love you baby.

Two hours later the tattoo is done
Tattoo artist: What's the tattoo for?
Husband: Its my anniversary present for my wife
Tattoo artist: Thats very intriguing.

Husband walks through the door penis hanging in front of wife
Husband: Surprise babydoll!
Wife reads the tattoo on his dick
Wife: OH FOR FUCK SAKES JOHN STOP TRYING TO PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH.

Penis Head

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mansí penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a manís penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a manís penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study.
The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a manís penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

Computer Password
I had an old computer that just got fixed I turned it on and it had asked for a password.
I asked my husband "What the password was?"
He replied "MY PENIS"
Two seconds later and went back to him and said its says ITS 2 SHORT.

Three Girlfriends
Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?

Not Old Enough
Grandpa and Sonny were sittin on the pourch, when Grandpa lit up a stogie, Sonny says Grandpa, can I get one of them?
Grandpa says well, can your peepee touch your ass?
Sonny says No, I dont think so? Grandpa says well you aint old enough then.
Soon after Grandpa cracks a beer. Sonny says can I get one of them?
Grandpa says well, can your peepee touch your ass? Sonny says No, I dont think so? Grandpa says you aint old enough then.
Soon after Sonny comes out with a plateful of Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Grandpa says Sonny can I get one of them? Sonny says Well I Dont Know, can Your PeePee touch Your Ass?
Grandpa says Yeah, I think so? Sonny says good,then go Fuck Yourself, cause Grandma made these for me!

Lighting the Fire
One day on a camping trip a man was out side firing up the fire
His wife was fixing up dinner when he said "Your butt is bigger then my fire"
Then he measured her ass and it was indeed bigger then the fire.
That night when they were camping out underneath the stars and he was feeling horny.
But his wife said "No way I'm not fireing up this fire to cook your weener."

Camping
3 people were camping and they were in separate tents.
Men in one, women in the other.
One man nudged his best friend saying "Fuck I got a big erection I am going next door to fuck my wife."
His friend turned around to him and said "I better come with you."
The other man replied, "What the fuck? why is that?"
So his friend said "Well its my dick you have a hold of!"

Boots
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Sperm Race
The sperm are arguing about who's gonna get to the egg first.
Along comes a sperm on a motorcycle, helmet on, revving the engine, ready to go.
They get the green light and the sperm takes off on his motorcycle, just flying.
Two minutes later, he comes limping back, pushing his motorcycle.
The other sperm ask him "What the hell happened to you?"
He says, "The son of a bitch had a condom on."

Genie & The Lamp

There were 3 brothers that found a lamp. They rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared.
He said that they each had one wish.
The youngest brother asked for a wood penis. His wish was granted.
The second oldest brother wished for a metal penis. His wish was granted, too.
Finally, the oldest brother wished for a 50ft penis. His wish was granted as well.
The next day they went back and rubbed the lamp again.
The youngest brother asked to undo his wish because it was giving his wife splinters. His wish was undone.
The second oldest brother asked to undo his wish because his was rusting. His wish was undone as well.
Finally the genie asked the oldest brother, "Do you want your wish undone as well?"
The oldest brother shook his head no and said, "See that girl 49ft away...... Ooops! Got her!"

Pickle Slicer
This guy ran into his doctor office and said "I really want to stick my dick in the pickle slicer"
And he said "Try not to think about it."
Next week He said "I did it" to the doc and he said "you okay?"
And he said "Yah I got fired"
The doctor asked about the pickle slicer and he said "She got fired too!"

Going To The Movies
Two female friends went to the cinema and were watching the movie, when a guy came in and sat next to one of the females.
After a while one of females whispered to her friend, the guy sitting next to me is doing some thing in his trousers.
The friend said, "Just ignore him."
She said "I cant, he is using my hand."

Three Boys
Three boys were in an apple orchard swiping apples.
The farmer and owner catches them red handed.
The farmer shouts to the boys "Hey you boys I caught you now. I've got my shot gun here. all three of you line up."
The boys were terrified. the farmer said to the first boy "What does your father do for a living?"
The frightened boy said "M m m my father is a c c c carpenter".
So the farmer had the boy drop his pants, gets a saw and saws off his penis.
This seems to amuse the third boy.
The farmer then asks the second boy the same question.
the boy equally terrified as the first one said "M m m my f f f father is a handy man."
So the farmer tells the boy to drop his pants. He takes a hammer and starts to bang on the boy's penis.
The third boy starts to laugh and jump for joy.
The farmer said "Why are you laughing? aren't you nervous about your punishment?"
The boy said "Nope".
The farmer said "O.k. then, what does your father do for a living?"
The boy smiled and said "oh my father makes lollipops. so it'll take you a while."

Santa
Santa is delivering toys right, so Santa came down this one chimney and runs into this busty hot blonde. The blonde asks Santa if he would stay with her. Santa said,"Ho Ho Ho, Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Deliver All of the Toys to the Good Boys and Girls", so then the hot blonde takes off her bottom and says, "Will you stay with me now?" Santa then says, "Ho Ho Ho, Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Deliver All of the Toys To the Good Boys and Girls." The blonde then took off her top and runs up and hugs him and says, "Will you stay with me now?" Santa said, "Ho Ho Ho, Gotta Stay, Gotta stay, Can't fit up the chimney because my dicks in the way."
Swimming
One day a father and son decide to go swimming.
"OK, son go and get changed in that locker and I will see you out there buddy."the father said.
"Dad, can you help me?"the son asked.
"What's the problem son, you haven't got another woody have you?!"the father joked.
"No!"he replied.
The father finally agreed to help his son in the locker, and followed him in.
"Dad, your penis is So big!"
"And hairy,"
The father stopped for a while, puzzled on what to say next.
"Uh, son do you think you could mention that to your mother at the dinner table tonight!?"

3 Black Roosters
Me: There are 3 black roosters on one side of the street how many legs do they have?
Friend: 6
Me: how many wigs?
Friend: 6
Me: how many eyes?
Friend: 6
Me There are 3 white cats on the other side of the street how many eyes do they have?
Friend: 6
Me: How many ears do they have?
Friend: 6
Me: How many whiskers do they have?
Friend: I dont know.
Me: Seems like you know more about the black cock then the white pussy lol


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