Penis Jokes
Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can't find the zipper!
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
Q: What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
A: He smashed his his nose.
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a cock?
A: The man.
Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her son’s dick!
Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
Q: Why do Justin Biebers male friends nickname him "Shotgun"?
A: Give him a cock and he'll Blow!
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!
Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.
I heard Justin Bieber has an 8 inch cock
But it’s in his ass and belongs to Usher.
Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.
Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm bank say when clients are leaving?
A: Thanks for coming!
Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!
Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: Don´t talk to the guy in the middle, he´s a dick.
Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men?
A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with!
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in the chicken
Q: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A: Beef strokin’ off.
Q: What is a diaphragm?
A: A trampoline for dickheads.
Q: What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day?
A: A Terrorwrist
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it – we’re closed.
Q: What’s the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip!
Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit
Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?
A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: What do a Rubix cube and a cock have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A: "Is it in?"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What does 69 equal?
A: A couple of mouths full.
Pickup Artist
This guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.
"Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"
She didn't answer.
"Well, my name is Barry!"
"Okay" she said "Barry what?"
"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"
So he wrote it down.
She read allowed, "Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."
She slapped him and stormed off.
Adam and Eve
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
Two Catholic Priests
Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's penis.
He says "I'm not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn't that supposed to be on your arm?"
And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!
10 Inch Bic
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know do you realy think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
Drunk Blonde
A blonde is driving down a deserted highway when she gets pulled over.
The cop gets out of his car and asks if she has been drinking and she replies "No".
His breathalyzer equipment is broken
So he radios the station and asks what to do.
The cop at the station says "Is she a blond driving a lipstick red corvette?" and the cop replies "Yes".
So the other cop says "What you do is tell her to get out of the car and pull out your dick as you walk up to her".
So the cop does exactly what the other cop says.
The blond gets out of the car and he whips out his dick.
The blond "sighs" and says "Please not another breathalyzer test!"
Sex with Wife
Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my penis on the curtains and she still screaming."
Make That Horse...
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
Bad Johnny
One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.
The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."
"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"
Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."
School Psychologist
A school psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"According to your child's names you all have obsessions," she stated.
To the first mother, she said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
She turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Redhead, Brunete, Blonde
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."
Red Rings
One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis.
He can’t figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor hands him a tube of cream.
"Here. Put this on and the ring’ll be gone within the hour," the doctor said.
The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone within the hour.
But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again.
He goes to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts on.
The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning.
This goes on for a few days before the man finally asks, "Doctor, the cream you’re giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, but then it comes back in the morning. What’s the stuff you’re giving me?"
The doctor hands him another tube of it before replying, "Lipstick remover."
Penis Head
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans’ penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study.
The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead
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