There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw. Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in.
The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....
The next day Billy tells his story....
"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story....Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.
She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129".
The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.
The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129".
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says:
"I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!, says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!, says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says:
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
There was this young filly whose owners decided to have her "fixed." The stallion next door was heartbroken, as he'd always wanted to mate with her. He pined for her constantly.
Moral of the Story?
"A pony spayed is a pony yearned."
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
And the important moral of this story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone.
So one day there is this fly flying over a pond. But while the fly was flying over the pond, there was a fish watching the fly and the fish said "well s#@t, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, I could jump out and get the fly because I'm hungry". But while the fish was watching the fly, there was a bear watching the fish watching the fly and the bear was like, " well s#$t, if that fly would just come down a little bit more the fish could get the fly, and I could get the fish because I'm hungry". But while the bear was watching the fish watching the fly, there was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the hunter was like, "well s#$t, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish and I could get the bear because I'm hungry". But while the hunter was watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly, there was a squirrel watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the squirrel was like, " well s#$t, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish, the hunter could get the bear and I could go get his sandwich because I'm hungry". But while the squirrel was watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly, there was a cat watching the squirrel watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the cat was like, "well s#$t, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish, the hunter could get the bear, the squirrel could get his sandwich and I could get the squirrel because I'm hungry". Anyway, the fly comes down, right? The fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the squirrel gets the sandwich, and while the cat was trying to get the squirrel, the branch in the tree breaks and the cat comes crashing into the water.
Do you know what the moral of this story is?
When the fly comes down, the pussy gets wet.