Masterbation Jokes

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.

Q: What do rich people drink when they are jerking off?
A: A Fapacchino.

Q: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A: Beef strokin' off.

Q: What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day?
A: A Terrorwrist

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it.... we're closed.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: What do a Rubix cube and a cock have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q: Why do cats lick their weiner?
A: Because they can't make a fist.

A dad tell his son "Stop masterbating! if you do it too long you will go blind."
The son replied "Dad, I'm over here"

If you masterbate on a plane do they charge you with "hi-jacking"?

So, Almost every sport has to do with balls, Guys must really like playing with them....

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until i catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.

I was 6 inches away from making a masterbation joke.

There was a young man from Hein who invented a wanking machine on the very last stroke the bastard thing broke and whipped his balls to cream.

If uncle Jack helped you off a horse would you help uncle jack off a horse

Masturbating is for dicks.

Going To The Movies
Two female friends went to the cinema and were watching the movie, when a guy came in and sat next to one of the females.
After a while one of females whispered to her friend, the guy sitting next to me is doing some thing in his trousers.
The friend said, "Just ignore him."
She said "I cant, he is using my hand."

Male Masterbation Slang
Adjusting the antenna
Answering the Bone-A-Phone
Applying the hand brake
Assault on a friendly weapon
Auditioning the hand puppet
Backstroke roulette
Badgering the witness
Baiting your hook
Ball slappin' fun
Bangin' your bacon
Banging one out
Banging the Cyclops
Bashing the Bishop
Basting the ham
Batting practice
Beating off
Beating the bait
Beating the balloon
Beating the balogna
Beating the beagle
Beating the Bishop
Beating the dummy
Beating the goat
Beating the old man
Beating the snake
Beating the stick
Beating your meat
Being your own best friend
Biffing off
Bleeding the weed
Blowing your load
Blowing your own horn
Bludgeoning the beefsteak
Blue-ball buster
Blueball baseball
Bobbing your boloney
Bonging your shlong
Booting up the hard drive
Bopping the baloney
Bopping the bishop
Boxing the one-eyed clown
Boxing the trouser mouse
Boxing with Richard
Breaking the fish tank
Buffin' the bishop
Buffing my wand
Buffing the banana
Buffing the rifle
Buffing the wood
Buggering your hand
Bunning your hot dog
Burping the baby
Busting a nut
Buttering your corn
Calling down for more Mayo
Caping the crusader
Capturing the bishop
Changing your oil
Charming the cobra
Charming the one-eyed trouser snake
Charming the snake
Cheap date
Cheating on your other hand
Checking for testicular cancer
Checking the plumbing
Choking the chicken
Choking yourself into emission
Chopping down
Chucking one in the sink
Chucking the yogurt
Churning your butter
Cleaning the pipes
Clearing the snorkel
Climbing Mount Baldy
Climbing the corporate ladder
Clobbering the bad guy
Clobbering the Kleenex
Closet Frisbee
Clubbing the baby seal
Cocking the rifle
Collecting a specimen
Coming into your own
Coming to grips with the situation
Coming to grips with yourself
Committing mass spermicide
Cooking the cream of cock
Corralling the tadpoles
Crank yanking
Cranking one off
Cranking the love pump
Cranking the monkey
Cranking the shank
Crowning the king
Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
Cuffing the carrot
Dancing the two-fisted tango
Dating Miss Michigan
Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters
Debugging the hard drive
Decongesting the weasel
Devil's Handshake
Digging for change
Disciplining the primate
Do the Dew
Doing a hand job
Doing handiwork
Doing the White Knuckler
Doing your own thing
Doodling your noodle
Downing the pitcher
Draining the dragon
Draining the lizard
Draining the main vein
Draining the one-eyed monster
Draining the vein
Droppin' a wad of hot wax
Dropping a line
Dropping stomach pancakes
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Dry humping the ottoman
Electing the president
Emptying your sex pistol
Engaging in safe sex
Erupting Ol' Faithful
Falling in love with your right hand
Faxing the Pope
Feeding the ducks
Fetching milk
Finding yourself
Firing the flesh musket
Firing the love rifle
Firing the presidential staff
Firing the Surgeon General
Fishing for the two-toned trouser trout
Fishing for zipper trout
Fist fucking
Fisting your mister
Five against one
Five knuckle Olympics
Five-finger discount
Five-knuckle chuckle
Fixing the toilet
Flipping the Bishop
Floggin' the log
Flogging the Bishop
Flogging the dog
Flogging the dolphin
Flogging the dong
Flogging the frog
Flogging the General
Flogging the log
Flogging the salami
Flogging your log
Fluffing the pillow
Fondling the fisherman
Fondling the fountain
Freeing the hostages
Freeing the Willies
Freeing Willy
Frosting the pastries
Fucking a pillow
Fucking Mrs. Fist, the five-fingered widow
Fun with friction
Ganging the plank
Getting' your oil checked
Gettin' jizzy with it
Getting a grip on things
Getting a load off my mind
Getting a milk mustache
Getting a stiffy
Getting busy
Getting chafed
Getting in touch with your manhood
Getting in touch with yourself
Getting off
Getting tennis elbow
Getting the dirty water off your chest
Getting the glue stick
Getting to know Miss Michigan
Getting your exercise
Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
Getting your palm red
Giving it a good once over
Giving it a tug
Giving Ms. Palm and and her five sisters a ride on the meat train
Giving the John Hancock
Giving the pink Mustang a lube job
Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
Giving your employee a raise
Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge
Giving yourself a hand
Giving yourself a happy ending
Giving yourself a helping hand
Gluing the lady's eye's shut
Going blind
Going for the gold
Going on Peewee's little adventure
Going steady with my bouncing Betty
Going the blow
Going to the basement
Grappling the gorilla
Greasin' up my love monkey
Greasing the flagpole
Greasing the monkey
Greasing the pipe
Gripping the pencil
Hacking the hog
Hand job
Hand Shandy
Hand Solo
Handling heavy equipment
Handling the hound
Hands on training
Hanging the old man
Hard labor
Hatchin' a batch
Having a ball
Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
Having a date with Mrs. Thumb and her 4 daughters
Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Having a one-night-stand with yourself
Having a play date with your little friend
Having a puppet show in your pants
Having a staff meeting
Having a tug
Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
Having group sex with five friends
Having one off the wrist
Hitchhiking to heaven
Hitching to heaven
Hitting the ham
Hitting the sack
Hitting the speedbump
Hoisting the flag
Holding all the cards
Holding the sausage hostage
Honing your bone
Hugging the hog
Hugging the sausage
Ironing some wrinkles
Jack hammering
Jackin' the Beanstalk
Jackin' your meat
Jacking off
Jacking up the hot rod
Jammin' your jimmy
Jazzing yourself
Jerkin' the gherkin
Jerkin' the joystick
Jerkin' your beef
Jerking off
Jerking the Johnson
Jerking the turkey
Jiggling the jewelry
Jiggling your Johnson
Jimmying your Joey
Joining the Navy
Joshing it
Juice the Moose
Jumping the jock
Just jerkin' it
Keeping the Optometrists in business
Kicking seamen
Killing the Beast
Kneeding the bread
Knocking one off
Knocking the top off
Knuckle nobbing
Launching the hand shuttle
Launching the morning missile
Launching the rocket
Leakin' the main drain
Lighting the lava lamp
Loping the mule
Loving the lizard
Loving the muppet
Lubing the tube
Make like Hans Solo and stroke your wookie
Makin' moonshine
Making a fist sandwich
Making a knuckle hot dog
Making free hand lotion
Making instant pudding
Making nut butter
Making soup for one
Making the Cyclops cry
Making the cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
Making the llama spit
Making the piggy squeal
Making yogurt
Mangling the midget
Manhandling the manhood
Manning the cockpit
Manual labor
Manual override
Massaging the mink
Massaging your muscle
Massaging your purple-headed warrior
Measuring for condoms
Medieval folk dancing
Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
Meeting Rosie Hancock
Meeting with Palmala Handerson
Milking one's self
Milking the bull
Milking the cow
Milking the lizard
Milking the monkey
Milking the moose
Milking the muscle
Milking the weasel
Milking your wood
Million sperm march
Much goo about nothing
Oiling the baseball bat
Oiling the glove
One gun salute
One hand clapping
One man show
One off the wrist
One stop shopping
One-handed workout
One-man orgy
One-man tug-o-war
Opening up a bottle of Squirt
Packing your palm
Painting your pants
Palming the calm
Pee Wee pleaser
Peeling some chilis
Peeling the banana
Peeling the carrot
Performing a self-test
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Perling the oyster
Petting the lizard
Petting the puppy
Petting the python
Petting your dog
Phoning the czar
Playin' the bone-a-thon
Playin' with hardballs
Playin' with yourself
Playing a little five-on-one
Playing a one-stringed guitar
Playing five card draw with a handful of jacks
Playing five card stud
Playing in a one-man show
Playing miniature golf
Playing Peek-A-Boo with Mr. Johnson
Playing peekaboo
Playing peekaboo with Darth Vader
Playing ping pong with your ding dong
Playing pocket pinball
Playing pocket pool
Playing tag with the pink torpedo
Playing the crotch trombone
Playing the male organ
Playing the one-handed air guitar
Playing the organ
Playing the piss pipe
Playing the pisser
Playing the solo symphony
Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
Playing with dick
Playing with the pogo stick
Playing with the snake
Playing with the spitting llama
Playing with yourself
Playing Yahtzee
Playing your instrument
Pleasing your pisser
Pleasure pumping
Plunking your twanger
Pocket billiards
Pocket pinball
Pocket pool
Poking palm
Pole vaulting
Polishing the bayonet
Polishing the beak
Polishing the cane
Polishing the chrome dome
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the fire pole
Polishing the helmet
Polishing the hot rod
Polishing the knob
Polishing the Lighthouse
Polishing the pink Mustang
Polishing the purple people pleaser
Polishing the rocket
Polishing the rod
Polishing the sword
Polishing your bayonet
Polishing your helmet
Polishing your piece
Popping a nut
Popping the blister
Popping the bone
Popping the cork
Popping your top
Pounding off
Pouring off the potatoes
Priming the pump
Pullin' a few rounds
Pulling off
Pulling rank
Pulling the carrot
Pulling the cord
Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle
Pulling the goalie
Pulling the handbrake
Pulling the piss pump
Pulling the pole
Pulling the Pope
Pulling the pork stick
Pulling the rope
Pulling the wire
Pulling your goalie
Pulling your love muscle
Pulling your own leg
Pulling your power cord
Pulling your prick
Pulling your taffy
Pulling your wire
Pummeling the priest
Pumpin' the poodle
Pumping cream
Pumping for pleasure
Pumping for power
Pumping iron
Pumping the electric goo gun
Pumping the python
Pumping the soft soap dispenser
Punchin' the midget
Punchin' the munchkin
Punching the clown
Punching the munchkin
Punching yourself in the crotch
Punishing the Bishop
Punishing the Pope
Raising Stonehenge
Raising the flag pole
Raising the mainsail
Raising your sail
Ramming the ham
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Releasing the Olympic Doves
Relieving tension
Reverse osmosis
Riding the Great White Knuckler
Riding the lightning
Ringing the rag
Rippin' the rocket
Rocket piloting
Rockin' the rooster
Rolling your own
Romancing the bone
Rootin' for the Yankees
Roping the pony
Roping the Pope
Roughing the passer
Rubbing one out
Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
Rubbing the pink eraser
Rubbing the rod
Running off a batch by hand
Salting your nuts in the shell
Sanding the obelisk
Sanding wood
Scouring the tower of power
Scraping your carrot
Scraping your horn
Scratchin' the itch
Scratching the cat pole
Seasonin' your meat
Secret handshake
Seeding the carpet
Self catering
Self love
Self-induced penile regurgitation
Sending out the troops
Sex with someone you really love
Shakin' hands with Little Richard
Shaking coconuts from the love tree
Shaking hands with Johnson
Shaking hands with the boss
Shaking hands with the general
Shaking hands with the Governor
Shaking hands with the midget
Shaking hands with the one-eyed trouser trout
Shaking hands with the President
Shaking the bottle
Shaking the dice
Shaking the sauce
Shaking the sausage
Shaking the snake
Sharpening your pencil
Shavin' the carrot
Shining the helmet
Shining the pork sword
Shining the shaft
Shining the shank
Shining your pole
Shooting Cupid's arrow
Shooting for the moon
Shooting for the stars
Shooting to score
Shooting your wad
Shucking the corn
Skipping rope
Slaking the bacon
Slammin' the salami
Slamming the ham
Slamming the hammer
Slamming the salmon
Slamming the sump-pump
Slappin' the purple-headed yogurt pistol
Slapping it
Slapping my happy sacks
Slapping the carrot
Slapping the clown
Slapping the Cyclops
Slapping the donkey
Slapping the Flesh Gopher
Slapping the meat
Slapping the salami
Slaying the beast
Slaying the dragon
Slinging jelly
Slinging the jelly
Sloppy sign language
Smacking Bob around
Smacking the monkey
Smacking the oompa loompa
Smacking the salami
Smacking the weasel
Smacking off
Snapping one off
Snapping the carrot
Snapping the monkey
Snapping the radish
Snapping the rubber
Snapping the whip
Solo sex
Soup of the day
Spanking the bishop
Spanking the monkey
Spanking the salami
Spanking up a batch
Speaking into the microphone
Spear chucking
Spending some quality time with yourself
Spewing your load
Spit-polishing the purple helmet
Spitting up
Spreading the mayo
Spunking the Monk
Squashing the sea monkey
Squeezing the burrito
Squeezing the cheese
Squeezing the juice
Squeezing the lemon
Squeezing the weasel
Squishing the fish
Staff meeting
Stirring the soup
Stirring the yogurt
Strangling the hog
Strangling the one-eyed trouser snake
Stretching the limo
Striking the pink match
Striking your match
Stripping the bark off your wood
Strokin' the mule
Strokin' the sausage
Stroking it
Stroking off
Stroking the dog
Stroking the lizard
Stroking the mole
Stroking the salami
Stroking the snake
Stroking the stallion
Stroking the wiener
Stroking your poker
Stroking your twinkie
Studying for a math test
Swinging the light saber
Tagging off
Taking Captain Picard to Warp-Speed
Taking care of business
Taking control of yourself
Taking little Elvis to Graceland
Taking matters into your own hands
Taking part in population control
Taking some time off
Taking the dog for a walk
Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
Taking the sperm whale for a walk
Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
Talking quietly to yourself
Talking turkey
Taming the shrew
Taming the wild hog
Tapping the turkey
Target practice
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Taunting the one-eyed weasel
Teaching him a lesson
Teaching your kids to swim
Teasing the python
Teasing the Viking
Teasing the weasel
Teasing the weenie
Teeing off
Tenderizing the tube steak
Tenderizing your meat
Test-firing the meat missle
Testing the testicles
Testing your batteries
The art of Unisex
The five digit disco
Thrashing the weasel
Threading a needle
Throbbing the knob
Throwin' down
Throwing off a batch
Throwing the hamster against the wall
Throwing up mayo
Thumping the pump
Tickling Elmo
Tickling the dragon's tail
Tickling the ivory
Tickling the one-eyed weasel
Tickling the pickle
Toilet sailing
Torturing the tentacle
Tossing the sauce
Tossing the spam javelin
Tossing yogurt
Treating yourself right
Trolling for trouser trout
Trouser snake CPR
Trouser trout dancing lesson
Tube sock tango
Tug of war with Cyclops
Tugging the rope
Tugging the slug
Tugging the tapioca tube
Tugging the turkey
Tugging your tubesteak
Tuning my horn
Tuning the antenna
Tuning your organ
Turning on your fire hose
Tussle with your muscle
Tweaking your twinkie
Twisting your crank
Twisting your tool
Typing with one hand
Uncorking the bottle
Unloading the gun
Unmasking Darth Vader
Unwrapping the pepperoni
Using the force on your meat saber
Varnishing the cane
Varnishing the flagpole
Visiting Old Faithful
Visiting the five-fingered widow
Wacking off
Wacking the weasel
Wacking the weiner
Wacking the willie
Wagging the dog
Waking the dead
Walking the dog
Walking the plank
Walking the snake
Wanking off
Washing the elephant's trunk
Washing the meat
Washing the wolverine
Watching the geyser
Waving the Magic Wand
Waxing the car
Waxing the flipper
Waxing your surfboard
Waxing your weasel
Waxing your Willy
Whipping the bishop
Whipping the dummy
Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel
Whipping the pony
Whipping the window washer
Whipping the wire
Whipping up a batch
Whomping the walrus
Wiggling your worm
Workin' out a stiff joint
Working a cramp out of your muscle
Working off
Working off a batch
Working up a batch
Working your Willy
Wrestling the alligator
Wrestling the eel
Wrestling the gator
Wrestling the one-eyed monster
Wringing out your rope
Wringing the weasel
Wringing your thing
Wringing your weasel
Wrist aerobics
Yankin' it
Yankin' your chain
Yanking off
Yanking the crank
Yanking the doodle
Yanking the yoyo
Yanking your chain
Yanking your crank
Yogurt slinging
Zipper Olympics
Zygote spraying

Female Masterbation Slang
3 Point Shot
A night in with the girls
Airing the orchid
Applying lip gloss
Applying nail polish remover
Auditioning the finger puppets
Banging the box
Bashing the gash
Basting the tuna
Basting your turkey
Bathing the kitty
Beating around the bush
Brushing the beaver
Brushing your afro
Buffing the bead
Burying the knuckle
Butterin' the muffin
Buttering your bagel
Carpet bumping
Checking for depth
Checking for the jackpot
Checking my oil
Checking the foxhole
Checking the muffler
Checking the oil
Clam bake for one
Cleaning between the camel's toes
Cleaning my fur coat
Cleaning the kitchen
Cleaning your fingers
Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
Coaxing the turtle out of her shell
Coming into your own
Cunt cuddling
Cunt rubbing
Defrosting the freezer
Dialing the rotary phone
Digging a trench
Digging for gold
Dipping for ice cream
Diving for pearls
Diving for pennies
Doing my nails
Doing the sweet slide
Doing the two-finger ballet
Doing the two-finger salute
Doing your nails
Doodling the noodle
Double knuckling
Double-clicking your mouse
Draining your tuna
Drilling for fish
Drilling for oil
Driving Ms. Daisy
Dunking your doughnut
Dusting the endtable
Entering the forest
Entering the ring of fire
Erasing the problem
Exploring the bush
Fanning the fur
Feeding the bearded clam
Feeding the cat
Feeding the pony
Feeding your slot
Fiddling the bean
Filling the pink taco
Finding your niche
Finding yourself
Finger bang
Finger blasting
Finger dipping
Finger fucking
Fingering something out
Finishing the job
Fishing for cumpliments
Flickin' the bean
Flicking the switch
Flipping the light switch repeatedly
Flitting your clit
Flossing the cat
Fluffing the kitty
Fluffing the muff
Gagging my meat hole
Gagging the clam
Gagging the lips of love
Genital stimulation via phalangetic motion
Getting a date with slick mittens
Getting a lube job
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Getting a stinky pinky
Getting mud for my turtle
Getting the last pickle out of the jar
Getting to know yourself
Going around the corner
Going deep sea diving
Going fishing
Going mining
Going solo
Greasing your hips
Hand tossing the tuna salad
Having ladyfingers and cream
Having sex with someone you love
Hitchhiking South
Hitchhiking to heaven
Hitting the slit
Hitting the spot
Honing the stone
Indoor fishing
Itching the ditch
Jiggling your jenny
Juicing it up
Letting your fingers do the walking
Levy break limbo
Making kitty purr
Making my lips swell
Making soup
Making your own gravy
Manual override
Menage a moi
Muffin buffin'
Nail polish remover
Nulling the void
Nursing a hatchet wound
Opening the bottom drawer
Paddling the finger canoe
Paddling the pink canoe
Pampering the pussy
Parting my meat curtain
Parting the Red Sea
Patting the panky
Pearl fishing
Peeling the peach
Petting the kitty
Petting the petunia
Petting the pussy cat
Petting your bunny
Petting your kitty
Playing poker
Playing the banjo
Playing the beaver
Playing the box
Playing the clitar
Playing the silent trombone
Playing the slots
Playing with your pineapple
Pluggin the leak
Plunging the drain
Pokin' the pucker
Poking the pudding
Polishing the nugget
Polishing the peanut
Polishing the wedding ring
Polishing your pearl
Preheating the oven
Priming the pump
Producing whore moans
Pushing the button
Pussy poking
Putting out the fire
Reading braille
Ride the glide until the tide
Riding the bed post
Riding the unicycle
Riding the waterslide
Ringing your bell
Rocking the boat
Rolling the dough
Romancing thy own
Rubbin Hood
Rubbin' the nubbin
Rubbing the donut
Rubbing the pussycat
Rubbing the stub
Scoring the hoop
Scraping the cheese off the taco
Scratching the patch
Seasoning your fish
Sending Muffin Morse Code
Shining the diamond
Shooting hoops
Shooting the rapids
Shucking the fresh water clam
Shucking the oyster
Slapping slit
Slapping Susie
Slapping the flap
Slapping the mackerel
Slicing pie
Sliding down the chute
Sliding into home
Soaking in Palmolive
Soaking the whisker biscuit
Softening the peach
Spanking the spot
Spearing the bearded clam
Spelunking in the hairy caves
Splashing in the sea
Squeezing the peach
Steaming the oyster
Stinky pinky
Stirring it up
Stirring the honey pot
Stirring the pudding
Stirring the sauce
Stoking the furnace
Stroking the box
Strumming the banjo
Surfing the channel
Surfing the web
Sweeping the chimney
Swimming in the crimson lake
Swimming in the Red Sea
Takin' it to tuna town
Taking a dip
Taking a dip in the lake
Tapping the tuna
Teasing the kitty
Teasing the tuna
Tending your own garden
Testing the plumbing
Testing your waters
The disappearing finger trick
The girly gusher
The magical disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
The two-fingered tango
Tickling the kitty
Tickling the pearl
Tickling the taco
Tickling your fancy
Toggling the bit
Tossing the pink salad
Touching your tigeress
Touching your tuna
Trolling the Bermuda Triangle
Twiddling your twat
Twinkling the little star
Twirlin' the pearl
Two-finger typing
Unclogging the drain
Visiting Niagra Falls
Visiting your safety deposit box
Wading in the Bermuda Triangle
Walking Downtown
Washing my hands
Washing your fingers
Waxing the canoe
Waxing the milk duds
Weaving the carpet
Whipping your cream
White knuckling
Working in the garden
Working out at the Y

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