Lesbian Jokes

• Disclaimer •
Reader discretion advised. Please do not read
on if you are under 16 and/or easily offended. These jokes are NOT meant to encourage bigotry.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well hung.

Q: what do you call two lesbians floating down a river
A: Fur Traders

Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Q: Whats the difference between a lesbian driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: When u are eating pussy you can still see the asshole in front of you!

Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "I'll see you next month."

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men.

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently HD was the wrong answer.

Q: What do you call lesbian twins?
A: Lick-a-likes.

Q: What does Santa get a lesbian for Christmas?
A: A new carpet to munch on.

Q: Why is did the lesbian build a shelf?
A: To hold her shoulders.

Q: What is a lesbians favorite drink?
A: LGB-Tea.

Q: Do you know why lesbians don't diet?
A: Because you can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.

Q: Why was the lesbian sick?
A: She was lacking vitamin D

Q: How do lesbian couples settle their differences?
A: Rock Paper Scissoring.

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience

Q: Why don't fem lesbians go on dates?
A: Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've got Mary Kay on your face.

Q: What is the most common allergen amongst lesbians?
A: Nuts!

Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian style of running shoe: the dykee?
A: It has an extra long tongue and only takes one finger to get it off.

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a ritz cracker?
A: One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

Q: What do you call an Irish lesbian?
A: Gaylick

Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian cereal?
A: All's you do is add milk and they eat themselves!

Q: What's the most important question on the minds of Alaskan lesbians?
A: What would ya do oh oh for a Klondyke bar?

Q: What do you call a lesbian's closet?
A: A lick-her cabinet.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with 100 semiautomatic rifles?
A: Militia Etheridge.

Q: Did anybody hear about that new cough medicine for lesbians?
A: Dyquil!!

Q: What do you call three lesbians in a closet?
A: A Licker cabinet

Q: What do lesbians call viagra?
A: Batteries

Q: Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres died?
A: They found her face down in Ricki Lake.

Q: What card game do lesbians play?
A: Poke-her

Q: What do you call a horny lesbian dinosaur?
A: A clitosaurus

Q: why did the lesbian refuse to give her girlfriend a high five?
A: she wanted to preserve her palm.

Q: To be legally married, a male and female need a marriage license. What do two lesbians need?
A: A Licker-license!

Q: What does a lesbian want for christmas more than anything else?
A: a brand new carpet to munch on.

Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
A: Hairballs.

Q: Why are lesbians lousy construction workers?
A: They don't know how to handle wood.

Q: Where can you find a penis on a lesbian?
A: Maybe you should ask Dick van Dyke.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
A: Single!

Q: What do you call two lesbians on their period?
A: Finger Painting

Q: What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?
A: Depends

Q: Why can't lesbians go on a diet and wear lipstick at the same time?
A: You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face!

Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats

Q: Did you here about the two lesbians that built a house?
A: It was all tongue and groove and not a stud in sight.

Q: What do you call a 300 pound lesbian?
A: A bush hog

Q: What Is A Lesbians Favorite Game?
A: Lick-tac-toe.

Q: What do you call a 100 pound lesbian?
A: A weedeater

Q: What did one lesbian say to another?
A: "Your face or mine?"

Q: Do you know why oysters increase lesbian sexual libido?
A: Because after eating a dozen oysters, pussy doesn't taste so bad!

Q: Why do lesbians shave there vaginas?
A: So they don't start a fire grinding.

Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like?
A: Tongue in cheek.

Q: Did you know that 33% of people think that they're bisexual?
A: It's like you are or your aren't, you cant have it both ways.

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A: Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q: What do you call two Chinese lesbians?
A: two can chew!

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: 3 blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q: How can you tell you're in a tough lesbian bar?
A: Even the pool table has no balls.

Q: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends?
A: Someone has to mow the yard.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with 1,000 semiautomatic rifles?
A: Militia etheridge

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a lesbian?
A: You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: a Lickalotapus

Q: why do lesbians suck at cooking?
A: they always eat out

Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A: A crack in the ceiling.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: What is the difference between a Wheat Thin and a lesbian?
A: One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

A woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?"

The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."

Have you heard about that new lesbian alcohol store?
It's called 'Poo-Say Liquors'.
Run by a pair of Korean women:
Kim Yoo-Suk and Kim Suk-Yoo.

One Liners

Being a lesbian is ok, being bisexual is ok, being straight is ok, what's not ok? Wearing crocs.

While having sex with women is fun, I primarily became a lesbian to break my mother's heart.

Even though I saw my mortal enemy in a lesbian porn scene online, I can never mention it, for obvious reasons.

Gay Or Not, if a girl walks past another girl with a fat A$$ she's going to turn around and look!

Lesbian, Bi, Ugly, Fine, Rich, Poor, Skinny, Fat, Black, White, Purple, A FRIEND IS A FRIEND!

Every girl has a little lesbian and stripper side inside her.

If lesbians aren't attracted to men, then why are they attracted to girls who behave like men.

If god hates lesbians why did he create them?

I think I'm bisexual, I like straight girls and lesbians.

A lesbian couple I know can't afford the double headed dildo they want. They're really struggling to make ends meet.

I don't care if you're black, white, straight, gay, lesbian, fat, skinny, rich or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you.

Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, alien - People are people. Respect them.

Come si fa a raddoppiare il valore di una FIAT?. Basta fare il pieno di benzina.

Guys, it's not cute when you're an emotional pussy. If I wanted a pussy, I would be a lesbian.

I think most guys turn gay when they go to jail and most girls turn bi/lesbian when they go to an all girls school

Listen straight girl: I'm not going to be the guinea pig for your science experiment. Go makeout with a log

Two Lesbians
Two lesbians turn in for the night.
One lesbian turns to the other and says. "I want to be frank with you."
The other lesbian says "I thought it was my turn to be frank."

Par 3
Two women were playing golf together. They arrive at a par 3.
The first one up hits her shot straight and leaves the ball on the green.
The second woman takes a solid swing and leaves her ball one centimeter from the first ball.
The other woman says "Wow! I've never seen two balls so close before."

An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink. As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I reckon I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

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