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Husband Wife Jokes


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Wife Jokes

Q: Why does your wife have periods?
A: Because she deserve them.

Q: What is loud and obnoxious?
A: Your wife.

Q: How do you blind your wife?
A: Put a windshield in front of her.

Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Your wife makes it hard!

Q: What book do wives like the most?
A: "Their husbands checkbook!"

Q: Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q: What have wives and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.

Q: What do you call a wife that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q: How is a wife like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpits.

Q: What do you call a wife with an opinion?
A: Wrong.

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives wives wild?
A: A $100 bill.

Q: What worse than finding out your wife's got cancer?
A: Finding out it's curable.

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: What do toys and your wife's breasts have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with

Q: What is love?
A: The delusion that one woman differs from another.

Q: What do you call a wife with Pms and Esp?
A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything.

Q: What do you call a wife who can't make sandwiches?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why do wives like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see their husbands have a good time!

Q: What's the difference between your wife and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't moan when you put meat in it.

Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.

Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a wife up.

Q. Why do wives talk so much?
A. Because they have two sets of lips.

Q: What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.

Q: Why is your wife like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out his wife?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: Why did God invent the yeast infection?
A: So your wife could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
A: When the old one expects you to "do your share"

Q: What does fucking your wife and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?
A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.

Q: Why did God make women?
A: You think he's gonna wash the dishes?

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry It!

Why do wives fake orgasms ?
Because they think husbands care.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None, it should be opened when your wife brings it to you.

Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
A: Hopefully your wife.

Q: A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Q: Why can't your wife drive?
A: Because there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How is your wife like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Q: How do you know when your wife is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, "My husband once told me....."

Q: How do you fix your wifes watch?
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why does your wife have smaller feet than you?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A wife that won't do what she's told.

Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: So they will match the stove and fridge!

Q: Why does the pope still thinks he's always right?
A: Because he has no wife to change his mind.

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: Do you know why wives fake orgasm?
A: Because husbands fake foreplay.

Q: Why doesn’t Smokey the Bear have any kids?
A: Everytime his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Q: What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: Why did God give women orgasms?
A: So they've got something else to moan about!

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one and go in the other.

Q: Why can't you trust your wife?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Q: Why do most men die before their wives?
A: They want to!

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Wedding Cake!

Q: How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
A: Give your wife a shovel

Q: What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
A: The internet, Telephone, Tell your wife

Q: How can you tell when your wife is having a bad day?
A: She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.

Q: Why are wives like condoms?
A: They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.

Q: What is a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and a fridge?
A: A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

Q: How are wives like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Q: What's the first thing your wife does after coming out of the abuse shelter?
A: Cook dinner if she knows what's good for her.

Q: What's the difference between a your wife with PMS and a Pit Bull?
A: Lipstick 

Q: What does your wife put behind her ears to make herself more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why does your wife close her eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

Q: Why is our salary like your wifes period?
A: It comes once in a month,lasts only for four or five days and if any month it does not come it means your fucked.

Q: What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year?
A: They don't fucking listen.

Do you know how to tell if your girlfriend is geting fat?
She can wear your wifes clothes...

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something your wife does while your fucking her.

Q: Why did your wife cross the road?
A: Who cares - what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

Q: What does the woman who just got out of an abusive relationship do?
A: It better be the damn dishes!

A jealous wife is a faithful wife. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.

Be the wife his ex girlfriend will hate, his mom will love, and that he will never forget.

I promised that I would by my wife a Jaguar for her birthday this year. It should now be ready to give to her, I think not feeding it for 3 weeks should do the trick.

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work.

If your wife complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.

My first wife was so skinny, when I slapped her I got a paper cut!

My wife is so kinky, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said "Don't forget to pull my hair"

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception

Husband Jokes

Q: What's the difference between your husband and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

Q: What does a penis and an ego have in common?
A: All husbands have one!

Q: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
A: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

Q: What makes your husband think about a dinner by candlelight?
A: A power failure.

Q: Three words to ruin your husbands ego...
A: "Is it in?"

Q: How can you tell if your husband is happy?
A: Who cares?

Q: Why do only 10 percent of husbands make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

Q: What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.

Q: What do you call a Husband who Masterbates more than twice a day?
A: A Terrorwrist

Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Your husband and his friends watching a football game.

Q: How can you tell when your husband is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do you get your husband to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

Q: Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job?
A: He still ends up with the same boss.

Q: Why don't some husbands have a mid-life crisis?
A: They're stuck in adolescence.

Q: Why are Husbands like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are already taken!

Q: Why are husbands like cars?
A: Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming. 

Q: How many husbands does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: How many husbands does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: Why can't your husband get mad cow disease?
A: Because he is a pig.

Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: Your husband will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed husband?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when your husband is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked husband?
A: "It’s cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

Q: How do husbands define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q: How does your husband exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q: What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A: A closed mouth and an open wallet.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q: What do a good employee and a husband have in common?
A: They're always coming early.

Q. Why doesn't a wife have her husbands brains?
A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q: How does your husband show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q: Why is it difficult to find a husband who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do toilet seats, anniversaries and birthdays have in common?
A: Husbands miss all of them!

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is your husband the guy who owns it.

Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical husband?
A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q: How is your husband like a used car?
A: Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

Q: How do you stop your husband from raping you?
A: Throw him the remote control.

Q: What does your husband consider a seven-course meal?
A: A pizza and a six pack.

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What do you do with a husband who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.

Q: What does a husband and mascara have in common?
A: They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a husband watching Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

Q: What's your husbands definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What's the best way to force your husband to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What do most husbands do?
A: Cheat on their wives!

Q: What's the smartest thing a husband can say?
A: "My wife says..."

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
A: Your husband.

Q: Why does your husband have a hole in their penis?
A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Q: Why does your husband get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius! 

Q: What's a husbands idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

Q: What's the difference between a husband and E.T.?
A: E.T. phones home.

Husband Wife Jokes

Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

Husband: Dear do you know that exams are like women?
Wife: How funny?
Husband: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful..

Husband: Do you want a kiss?
Wife: No.
Husband: Do you remember what i just said?
Wife: Do you want a kiss?
Husband: Yes, if you insist..

Husband: Amazing world, only 25% of men have common sense, very short figure!
Wife: What about Rest?
Husband: Well rest are Married!

Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!'
Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room......'
'
Husband: "Hey babe, you smell that?"
Wife: "No."
Husband: "Me neither, start cooking."

Wife : If you knew within next 30 minutes the earth is going to explode, what is the first thing you will be doing?
Husband : Of course SEX.
Wife : And for rest 29 minutes?

Wife: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return you everything you gave me..
Husband: What a joke? Okay then, let's start with Kisses!"

Husband: Just because you have your period doesn't mean you can be a bitch.
Wife: Oh well just because you have a dick doesn't mean you can be one.

Husband says to group (friends)at a party "Yea, I m hung like a horse"
Wife says "YEP,a sea horse."

Husband: "Life's a bitch, just like you."
Wife: "Actually life is short, just like your dick."

Wife: Can u explain how this lipstick got on your collar?
Husband: No I cant. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off

Wife: I have changed my mind.
Husband: Thank God! Does the new one work now?

The wife makes dinner and serves it on paper plates.
The husband asks, "Why don't you serve it on real plates?"
Wife: "Because I do the dishes."
Husband: "So? It's your job."
Wife: "And you do the trash."

Wife: How many women have you slept with?
Husband: Only you, Darling... with all the others I was awake....

Wife: "Go to hell."
Husband: "I'm sorry, I can't go to hell. They kicked my ass out. I was caught selling ice."

Wife : Babe , What´s Your Fav Position?
Husband : When I got down on one knee and made you my wife.

Husband: You know it's a proven fact that women talk twice as much as men!
Wife: That's because we have to repeat everything we tell our husbands!
Husband: What?

Wife: "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
Husband: (smirks)
Wife: "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
Husband: "Absolutely not,"
Wife: "How Sweet!"
Husband: "The season's more than half over!"

Husband: Your a abcdefghijk wife!
Wife: Oh why?
Husband: You are adorable, beautiful, cute, dim[in a nice way], elegent, funny, great, happy wife.
Wife: Oh well what does ijk stand for?
Husband: I'm just kidding.

First Husband: "My wife's an angel!"
Second Husband: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Husband: I bought my wife a birthday gift and the bitch refuses to use it.
Friend: Well what did you buy her?
Husband: A cemetery plot!

Flowers

A man comes home with a bokay of flowers for his wife and she says "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
And her husband asks "Why, don't you have a vase?"

Rich & Poor

A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their wives.
"What are you getting your wife?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Marcedes."
"Why both?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Marcedes when she returns the ring."
And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your wife?"
And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

Honeymoon
A man and a woman get married and are on there honeymoon.
The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe, the man says take off your robe were married now.
The woman says ok and takes off her robe.
Then the man asks if he can take a picture of her and she asks why and the man says "So I can carry you with me."
A few hours later the man comes out of the bathroom in a robe.

The woman says take off your robe were married now.
The man says ok and takes off his robe.
The woman asks if she can take a picture and the man askes why and the woman says "So I can have it enlarged!"

Infidelity
A guy walks into a bar with a gun and said "Which one of you slept with my wife."
and a guy in the back stands up and says "You dont have enough bullets."

Dance Floor
A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"


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