Girlfriend Jokes

Q: What did the artist say to his girlfriend?
A: I really love you with all my art!

Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their boyfriends paycheck!"

Q: What is loud and obnoxious?
A: Your Girlfriend.

Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Your girlfriend make it hard!

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
A: She fits into your wife's clothes.

Q: What does your girlfriend and a condom got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
A: A $100 bill.

Q: What do you call your ex-girlfriend with Pms and Esp?
A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything.

Q: What do you call a girlfriend with an opinion?
A: Wrong.

Boyfriend: Wanna see a magic trick?
Girlfriend: Sure, babe.
Boyfriend: BAM! You're single.

Do you know how to tell if your girlfriend is geting fat?
She can wear your wifes clothes...

Q: What do you call a woman made out of garbage?
A: Your ex-girlfriend!

Q: What kind of girlfriend does a potato wants?
A: A sweet potato.

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut their girlfriends up.

Q: Why is a girlfriend like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q: Why did God invent the yeast infection?
A: So your girlfriend know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

Q: How do you turn your girlfriend into an elephant?
A: Marry Her!

Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
A: Hopefully your girlfriend.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None, it should be opened when your girlfriend brings it to you.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A girlfriend that won't do what she's told.

Q: What does fucking your girlfriend and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?
A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic girlfriend and a Jewish girlfriend?
A: A Catholic girlfriend has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: Why are girlfriends like condoms?
A: They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.

Q: Why shouldn't you lie to your girlfriend when she's on her period and has GPS?
A: Because she's a bitch & she will find you.

Q: Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less then his girlfriend.

Q: What is the difference between a Girlfriend and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend with PMS and a Pit Bull?
A: Lipstick

Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A girlfriend to show him how to work it.

A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers

Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. Society can never be pleased!

Be the girl his ex girlfriend will hate, his mom will love, and that he will never forget.

Kissing your girlfriend on the cheek(good) kissing girlfriend in the mouth (awesome) Kissing girlfriend in front of her ex (boss).

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my my name, address and telephone number

Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Foursquare asks where I am. The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.

Boyfri(end) Girlfri(end) Fri(end) everything has an end except fam(ily)

It was so hot today, I almost called my ex-girlfriend to be around something shady.

It's bro's before hoes, not bro's over your girlfriend.

Your girlfriend is like a meatlocker every guy wants to store his meat in her

Every girl is a ninja...It shows when someone touches her phone or her boyfriend.

The world thinnest book has only one word written in it : EVERYTHING. The book title is : WHAT WOMAN WANT.

If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.... Take her to the Gas Station.

Girlfriends are like blue jeans. They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced..

Boyfriend: Dear do you know that exams are like girlfriend?
Girlfriend: How funny?
Boyfriend: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful..

Boyfriend: Do you want a kiss?
Girlfriend: No.
Boyfriend: Do you remember what i just said?
Girlfriend: Do you want a kiss?
Boyfriend: Yes, if you insist..

Boyfriend: "Life's a bitch, just like you."
Girlfriend: "Actually life is short, just like your dick."

Boyfriend: Just because you have your period doesn't mean you can be a bitch.
Girlfriend: Oh well just because you have a dick doesn't mean you can be one.

Boyfriend: "Hey babe, you smell that?"
Girlfriend: "No."
Boyfriend: "Me neither, start cooking."

Girlfriend: Ily.
Boyfriend: awww spell it out to make it more romantic.
Girlfriend: I'm leaving you.

Girlfriend : Babe , What�s Your Fav Position?
Boyfriend : When I Get On One Knee and Make You My Wife.

Girlfriend: "Go to hell."
Boyfriend: "I'm sorry, I can't go to hell. They kicked my ass out. I was caught selling ice."

Boyfriend: Amazing world, only 25% boys have common sense, very short figure!
Girlfriend: What about Rest?
Boyfriend: Well rest have GIRLFRIENDS!

Girlfriend: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return you everything you gave me..
Boyfriend: What a joke? Okay then, let's start with Kisses!"

Boy: b*tch...
Girl: I've been called worse before.
Boy: ha, like what?
Girl: you're girlfriend.

Girl's Best Friend

After dinner and a movie, Chris drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Michelle responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On their next date, Chris returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Chris slid his hand up Michelle's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Michelle didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

Snake Venom

One day a happy couple Jay and Marie were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick.
Since no one was around for miles Marie called a hospital and told the doctor "Quick Quick I need your help my boyfriend got bit by a snake on his penis"
The doctor told her "Maam your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself"
Marie asked "Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom"
The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do"
So Marie goes running to her boyfriend
When she gets there Jay says with pain "So what did the doctor say?"
Marie says "Doctor said your gonna die"

My Last 3 Boyfriends
Two female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the boyfriends they've had in the last year.
One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I've had, I've named after soda pops.

The first one I called 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up.

The second one I called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do.

The third I called Jack Daniels.

Then the other girl interrupts saying "Hold on a minute. Isn't Jack Daniels hard liquor?"

The girl smiles and says "Yes it is"

Rich & Poor

A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends.
"What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Marcedes."
"Why both?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Marcedes when she returns the ring."
And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?"
And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."


A man comes home with a bokay of flowers for his girlfriend and she says "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
And her boyfriend asks "Why, don't you have a vase?"

Little Charles
Little Charles approached his mother and asked her "Mummy, whats a girlfriend"
To which his mum replied "If you're a good boy, you will get one."
Charles then asked, "What if I am a bad boy?"
His mum answered "You will get many."

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