Gay Jokes
• Disclaimer •
Reader discretion advised. Please do not read
on if you are under 16 and/or easily offended. These jokes are NOT meant to encourage bigotry.
Q: How do 5 gay men walk?
A: One Direction!
Q: What do you call a gay drive by?
A: "a fruit roll up."
Q: Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.
Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?
A: A Jolly Rancher!
Q: Why are most politicans in the closet or gay?
A: Because they can only mandate.
Q: Why are gays happy that they have nutsacks
A: Because they use them as mudflaps.
Q: How do you fit three homosexuals on one barstool?
A: Turn it upside-down!
Q: How can you catch a gay squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits).
Q: What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A: Erection Sets.
Q: What do you call a homosexual dentist?
A: Tooth fairy
Q: Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course?
A: He was playing with too many strokes.
Q: Why is Katie Holmes divorcing Tom Cruise?
A: Apprently he's been in A Few Good Men.
Q: What's the difference between a refridgerator and a homo?
A: The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!
Q: What do the rabbis do with foreskin after a circumsicion?
A: Give it to the gays for chewing gum!
Q: What comes after 69?
A: mouthwash.
Q: What did one gay sperm say to another?
A: "How do we find an egg in all of this shit?"
Q: Where do you call a town full of homosexuals?
A: A Gayborhood.
Q: What do you call an annoying gay man?
A: A pain in the arse.
Q. Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A. "Leave it, it's Beaver."
Q: Whats a homos favorite planet?
A: Uranus
Q: What do you call a gay boxer?
A: Fruit Punch!
Q: What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar?
A: Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there.
Q: What do you call a gay Ginger?
A: Flaming.
Q: How do you know your a homosexual?
A: When you make Justin Bieber look straight.
Q. Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A. He found a hare up his ass.
Q: What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar?
A: Flamethrower.
Q: What do you call a 5-Man gay mariachi band?
A: Juan Direction
Q: What do you get when you cross an eskimo and a gay guy?
A: A snowblower.
Q: Did you hear about the big tough gay guy?
A: He was good at bringing guys to their knees.
Q: How can you make a gay man scream twice?
A: Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.
Q. How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A. The hero always gets his man in the end.
Q. How can you tell if a Western is gay?
A. All the good guys are hung.
Q: Why was Dewey Cox walking hard?
A: He got some Tenacious D.
Q: How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
A: He spits on his back.
Q: Why do gay men fake orgasms?
A: Because they will be in deep shit if they don't!
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: How do you say homosexual in Jewish?
A: heblew.
I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.
Q: What does one gay say to another homo sitting at the bar?
A: "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
Q: What do you call a phone that gay men can't use?
A: a Homophone.
Q: What is Gay Pride?
A: a group of homosexual lions.
Q: What drink can you order at a gay bar?
A: LGB-Tea.
Q: Did you hear about the gay vegetarian?
A: He still eats meat.
Q: What do gay termites Eat?
A: MaleBoxes.
Q: What do you call two gay Scottish dudes?
A: Gay-Licks!
Q: Why don't gays shop at Sports Authority?
A: Because they prefer Dick's
Q: What do you call a First Order male orgy?
A: Pylo Men.
Q: What does a homo say to another gay going on vacation?
A: Can I help you pack your shit?
Q: Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
A: Went around blowing fuses.
Q: Why is Fred Flinstone a closet homosexual?
A: He has a gay old time
Q: Why is Edward Cullen a homosexual?
A: Vampires burn in the sunlight, Gays sparkle!
Q: Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
A: Only came in male boxes.
Q: What did the 2 condoms walking down the street say?
A: Lets go into that gay bar and get shitfaced".
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass
Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
A. They tried each other.
Q. Did you know 75% of the gay population were born that way?
A. The other 25% were sucked into it.
Q: What do you call a gay Jamaican guy?
A: Pokemon
Q: How do you know if a police officer is gay?
A: The smell of his mustache.
Q: What do doctors prescribe for a sore asshole?
A: Bengay. ("Been gay.")
Q: What do gay men call hemorrhoids?
A: Speed bumps.
Q: What do you call two gay Irish men?
A: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Q: Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A: They went outside to exchange blows.
Q: What does a gay horse eat?
A: HAAAAYYYYYYY.
Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.
Q: Why was the snowman so horny?
A: Because he saw a plow truck.
Q: What's the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A: a hobo doesnt have any friends, but a homo has friends up the ass
Q. What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A. Male fraud.
Q: What do you call a gay Chinese man?
A: Chui mi Wang
Q: Why was the gay embarrassed when he was caught blowing the well-hung black boy?
A: Because he was caught with a foot in his mouth.
Q: What do you call a gay fly?
A: A fruit fly!
Q: What's the motto of the Greek army?
A: Never leave your buddy's behind.
Q: Hear about the gay royal Canadian mounted cop?
A: He got so excited his first day on the Job he jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.
Q: What do you call a gay in a wheelchair?
A: a fruit roll-up.
Q: If Scorpion was gay, what would he say?
A: CUM over here!
Q: Why did the gay guy go straight?
A: There were too many dicks!
Someone told me I looked gay today,
I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.
Q: How much cum does a gay guy have?
A: A butt load
Q: Did you hear about the 2 gays thatgot into a fight in a bar?
A: They were ejected for exchanging blows.
Q: What do you call a gay scientist?
A: A homo-geneous.
Q: What do you call a gay midget?
A: A lowblow
Q: What do you call a gay couple?
A: TOGAYTHER.
Q: Why will Edward Cullen make an appearance in the next Narnia film?
A: Because he's that deep in the closet!
Q: Two gay guys were having sex, when they both die at the same time. Who goes to heaven first?
A: The one who had his shit packed.
Q: What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A: A fruit stand.
Q: Whats the difference between gay jokes and transexual jokes?
A: Transexual jokes go both ways
Q: What does a gay man do before he jerks off?
A: He craps in his hand.
Q: Why do gay guys buy ribbed condoms?
A: Because they get better traction in the mud!
Q: What did the gay rooster say?
A: ANYCOCKWILLDOO!
Q: How do gay gangsters do a drive by?
A: They throw skittles at you and say "Taste the rainbow bitches!"
Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One... But it takes half the ER staff to get it out!
Q: What do you get when you cross a gay man and a horse?
A: a unicorn
Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl.
Friend: Who?
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar....
There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Son: Dad, this boy in school keeps calling me gay.
Dad: Then why don't you just beat him up.
Son: I can't, he's too cute.
Son: What does gay mean?
Dad: It means "to be happy."
Son: Are you gay?
Dad: No, son. I have a wife.
Girl: Do you like fish sticks?
Boy: Yeah.
Girl: Do you like putting fish sticks in your mouth?
Boy: Yeah.
Girl: What are you a gay fish?
One Liners
Of course gay men dress well... They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Gay, Bi, Ugly, Fine, Rich, Poor, Skinny, Fat, Black, White, Purple, A FRIEND IS A FRIEND!
Vending machines are so homophobic. I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.
Thank you Stephanie Meyer for teaching young women they are only worth something when they're loved by a sparkling homosexual.
Gay Jokes aren't funny, cum on guys!
Butt seriously, cum on, gay jokes aren't funny.
Being gay is ok, being bisexual is ok, being straight is ok, what's not ok? Wearing crocs.
I was gonna make a gay joke, butt fuck it
Growing up gay was difficult because other boys never wanted to "play house". I guess they didn't like redecorating as much as I did.
Hey are you a solar system cause I wanna be in Uranus
Your so Gay you wouldnt know A straight line if it hit you in the face.
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
Apaprnlety hmoosxeulas aer brililnat at unscarbmnlig snetnecse
There were 2 scottish men i met and one was called Ben Doon and the other was called Phil McCavity. They never had to buy hemmoroid cream.
Gay guys are fucking assholes. Literally.
How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it's gay?
If you had to sleep in the middle of a beautiful woman and a gay guy, who would you turn your back to?
I heard homosexuality is illegal in the Middle East, punishment for being gay is to go to jail, where you will be surrounded by loads of other men.
While having sex with men is fun, I primarily became gay to break my mother's heart.
Being gay shouldn't have to be a burden to anyone. People should be allowed to love who they love.
"I love Justin Bieber!" Mike eat a snickers. You're gay when you're hungry.
Religion is far more of a choice than being gay will ever be.
I only say I'm gay when ugly girls and hot guys hit on me.
"Last christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you said you were gay
If a girl bangs 10 guys in a year, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's gay, definitely gay.
I tried to be gay once. I sucked.
Religion is like homosexuality: I'm afraid to try it incase I like it.
I asked my girlfriend if we could try anal tonight, but she thought it would be too painful. How can wearing a strap-on be painful?
I like my women how I like my coffee ... I fucking hate coffee.
I finally told my parents they're gay.
Being gay is ok, being bisexual is ok, being straight is ok, what's not ok? Wearing crocs.
If you drive around in a Prius, don't be offended when a gay guy hits on you
One day their was a man who hated aggressive women. He always wanted to have sex with a gentle man.
If Trump was really cool with the gays, wouldn't one of them have fixed his wig by now.
If a gay man is murdered.. is it homocide?
If a man turns himself into a women and a women turns himself into a man and they both have sex would that be considered gay?
My dyslexic gay friend is so excited for February 14th. He thinks it's Vaseline Day!
Your so gay when someone asked you for a sperm donation you farted in a cup
The only thing Count Chocula has in common with a regular vampire is that he's gay.
If gays aren't attracted to girls, then why are they attracted to men who behave like girls.
If god hates gays why did he create them?
If vampires can't see their reflections in the mirror, then how does Edward Cullen make himself look so gay.
Even though I saw my mortal enemy in a gay porn scene online, I can never mention it, for obvious reasons.
Better to watching gay porn and be thought of as gay than to listen to Justin Bieber and remove all doubt
Gay Or Not, if a girl walks past another girl with a fat A$$ she's going to turn around and look!
Gay bar
A straight guy walks into a bar and a couple steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the transvestite waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
High School Reunion
They're are four guys at a High School Reunion. Three rich guys, and one mildly retarded. The mildly retarded one leaves to the restroom.
One of them says. Let us talk about or rich and successful sons.
The first one says, "My son is so rich and successful and bought his best friend a Lamborghini."
The Second one says, "My son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend a Private Jet."
The Last one says, "Well my son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend his own Island."
The retarded one returns from the restroom and says, "Watcha talking bout'?"
One of them says "Just or sons, How bout yours?"
The retarded one says, "Well my sons a gay stripper at a gay bar. But he did just get a Fancy Car, a Jet and a Really large island from his three boyfriends."
Rear Ended
I go to this job interview....my back is killing me...
The employer asks "What happened?"...
I said "I got rear ended"
She says "that is terrible..you look ok...is the car alright?"
I say there was no car accident!!!
Hot Date
A gay guy had a hot date lined up. The problem was that his apartment was flooded.
So he asked his friend if he could use his place for the night.
His friend reluctantly agreed, but warned the gay guy not to make a mess, or have sex all over his house.
The next day his friend comes back to see his apartment. When he opens the front door he sees cum covering the entire living room.
He shouts at the gauy guy, "What the fuck happened I told you not to do it in here!"
The gay guy responds, "We didn't, I just farted."
Coming Out Of The Closet
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said,
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
Sunday Sermon
So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big wad of bills.
When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the wad of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand."
The gay man stood up.
The minister continued, "Well, sir, we certainly do appreciate your generosity. And to show our appreciation, I'm going to let you select your three favorite hymns."
"Okay," the gay man replied, "I'll take him, him and him!"
A man walks into a bar, he has a wad of cash to spend.
He buys so much booze that the bartender couldn't under a good conscience serve him anymore.
Angry, the man grabs him and whispers something to his ear.
The Bartender, suddenly scared decides to serve him all the beer in the bar on the house.
A man next to him asks "What the fuck did you say to him?"
Which the drunk guy said "I told him if he didn't give me another beer I would show gay photos of him around the bar."
The man next to him said "Wow, I didn't know he was gay."
So the drunk said "Neither did I but I got my beer didn't I?"
Bunny and the Bear
A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived.
The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone.
The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the other bears in this forest were female."
The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet.
The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the other bears in this country to be female!"
The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle.
He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it.
The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!"
Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the other bears in this world to be female!"
The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish this bear was gay."
New Rooster
One day, a new rooster arrived at a henhouse, eager to take on his new duties, especially the job of servicing the hens. He sees that there is already another rooster there, a rather old-looking one. The young rooster approaches the old rooster and says "Hey there, old-timer, I'm here to take over. Are you ready to fight to the death for the title of Master of the Henhouse?"
The old rooster says "Hold on there, young fellow! I'm a lover, not a fighter. I just want to go into retirement. You're the boss: go do what you want with the hens, I won't give you any trouble."
The young rooster was a bit disappointed because he'd been keen to have a good fight but decided this was acceptable and set to work servicing the hens, frequently and enthusiastically. The old rooster stayed completely out of his way so the young rooster ignored him.
A week or so after the young rooster's arrival, the old rooster approached him politely. "Hey there, sonny, I've been getting some flak from the hens for giving up so easily. We need to do something to settle this for once and for all."
The young rooster says "Fine by me. Do you want to start our fight to the death now?"
"Oh no! Nothing like that! Somebody could get hurt. No, I was thinking about a race. Let's say 10 laps around the henhouse with the winner being the undisputed Master of the Henhouse?"
The fit young rooster figured he could mop the floor with the old rooster so he agreed to the contest. They had one of the hens say "One, Two, Three, Go!" and the race began.
The young rooster had been VERY busy servicing hens and it had taken more out of him than he'd realized and the old rooster had been in training during this time so the old rooster got off to an early start. However, the young rooster's superior body soon began making a difference. By the end of the fourth lap, the young rooster had almost caught up to the old rooster.
Suddenly, a shot rang out and the young rooster lay splattered all over the ground.
Turning to his wife with his still-smoking shotgun in his hand, the farmer snarled "Damn it, Emmy, that's the last rooster I buy from Ferguson! That's the fourth one this year and this one's queer too!"
Three Couples
A straight couple, a lesbian couple, and a gay couple are all killed in a car crash. They arrive at the gates of Heaven, and St Peter is there. He says to the straight man,
"You were so greedy for flowers. You loved them so much, you even married a woman called Rose. I'm sorry, but I can't let you through."
He then turned to one of the lesbians.
"You were so greedy for weed. You loved it so much, you even married a woman called Mary Jane. I'm sorry, but I can't let you through."
One of the gay guys quickly said to the other "let's go, Dick"
Bartender
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me a double shot of whiskey."
The guy takes his drink, slams it down, and says "Give me another"
The bartender says "What's the matter guy?"
The guy says "I just found out my youngest son is gay"
Two days later the guy is back and the bar and orders a double, slams it do an and asks for another.
The bartender asks again, "What's the matter now?"
The guy says "I just found out my oldest son is gay"
Two days later the guy is back, this time he asks for the bottle.
The bartender asks, "Jesus, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?"
He exclaims, "YEAH....MY WIFE!"
Prostate Exam
A gay guy goes to doctor.
During prostate exam he says "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurtin me, can you take it off?"
and the Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch"