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Dirty Short Bar Jokes

Handjob
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Flaslight
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Blowjobs For Money
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

Police Officer
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

Old Couple
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Three Girlfriends
Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "donít stop"

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks
'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: What does a lamb shagger say?
A: Bang a lamb a ding dong

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!

Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Mever bin laid on

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopis

Q.When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?
A.When he is standing next to your miss saying her hair smells nice

Q:Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A:Because he was looking for Pooh

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something

If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
Three feet of my cock up your ass.

What's the difference between the holidays and sex?
During sex, you don't have to pretend to have fun with the whole family.

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q; Whatís the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time youíre finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: Why doesnít Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: FUCKS FUNNY

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Whatís the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: Whatís 6 inches long and starts with a p?
A: ........... a shit (think about it)

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..

Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.

Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.

Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.

Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"

Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.

Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: What do you call it when you photograph childbirth?
A: child bornography

Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.

Q: Why can't Jesus eat m&m's?
A: Because he has holes in his hands.

Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can't stand up for themselves

Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...

Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.

Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and corn?
A: Porn

Q: What is Superman's greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.

Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.

Q: What is a crack head's favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!

Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!

Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.

Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn't have any arms.

Q: What's sicker than a pile of dead babies?
A: The one alive in the middle chewing it's way out.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.

Q: What's worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.

Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
A: She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnít notice."

Q: Whatís black, white, and red all over and doesnít fit through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly?
A: So they donít poke her eye out.

Q. Whatís the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because theyíve got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine

Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives
A: Drinking Licking sucking fucking and wanking.

Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...

Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: Why do black people not like to go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once.

Q: What's the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.

Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents that you are gay.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pirate and a molester?
A: Rrrrrrrrr Kelly

Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of their dogs!

Q: What does D.A.M stand for?
A: Mothers Against Dyslexia.

Q: What do you get when you mix puppies and rabbits?
A: Puppets.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q: What's sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.

Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
A: A liar.

Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the deaf kid?
A: He didn't either

Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering A minor.

Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "I'll see you next month."

Q: Whats the best thing about Pocahontas in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back and she looks 15...

Q: What does a guy and a car have in common?
A: They both have the ability to misfire.

Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics
A: Not being a retard.

Q: What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?
A: Gang rape.

Q: What do you call a school bus full of white people?
A: Twinkie.

Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

Q: What do you call a retard in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: Whatís the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until youíre a teenager before it cums on your face!

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nusing home.

Q: What is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger

Q: Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican?
A: They steal all the green cards.

Q: Why was the African American girl quiet during the movie?
A: She wasn't.

Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?
A: He was shooting for the stars.

Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
A: Does this taste funny to you?

Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Q: Did you hear the joke about the toilet?
A: Never mind itís too dirty.

A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat blood banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN!

If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose.

Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?
A: I can't get a hard-on because I was just layed.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
A: Halfway

Q: What do you call a potato that kills Jews?
A: a dicTATER.

Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name?
A: Papa Boner

Q: Ever had sex while camping?
A: It's fucking intents.

Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.

It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didnít block access to porn sites on the internet.

How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it's gay?

Why did the cat in the hat look in the toilet? For thing one and thing two.

Friends are like balloons. If you stab them, they die.

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

Life is like a box of chocolates, It doesn't last too long for fat people.

My Mexican friend wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap.

He opened its folds and saw it was soaking wet. He didn't know if he should lick it or start eating it anyway. He put a finger in it and saw it was very moist. He felt like eating it but decided to put more ketchup on his burger.


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