Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it.
Q. What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
A: It's a life sentence!
Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce?
A: Ten grand!
Q: What should you do after a man steals your wife?
A: Let him keep her!
Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too many, what is Monogamy?
A: The Same!
Q: How do you know your wife is a good housekeeper?
A: After the divorce she keeps the house!
Q: What happens if you miss your Ex-Wife?
A: Get better aim!
Q: Why do most men hate getting married by a Judge?
A: Because they should have asked for a jury!
Q: What is Alimony?
A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!
Q: Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll?
A: She comes with all of Ken's stuff!
Q: Why did the woman want a divorce on the grounds of religious differences?
A: He thought he was God and she didn't!
Q: Why is marriage is a three ring circus>
A: An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring!
Q: What are the two times when a man doesn't understand a woman?
A: Before marriage and after marriage!
Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild,but when they go, they take your house and car.
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again!
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 90% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced
Custody Case
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
Twenty Years Ago
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."
Pragmatic Wife
After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.
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