Divorce Jokes

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Q. What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.

Q: Why is marriage not a word?
A: It's a life sentence!

Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce?
A: Ten grand!

Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.

Q: What should you do after a man steals your wife?
A: Let him keep her!

Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too many, what is Monogamy?
A: The Same!

Q: How do you know your wife is a good housekeeper?
A: After the divorce she keeps the house!

Q: What happens if you miss your Ex-Wife?
A: Get better aim!

Q: Why do most men hate getting married by a Judge?
A: Because they should have asked for a jury!

Q: Have you heard about the divorce diet?
A: After signing on the dotted line and you lose 200 pounds of dead weight.

Q: What is Alimony?
A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

Q: Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll?
A: She comes with all of Ken's stuff!

Q: Why did the woman want a divorce on the grounds of religious differences?
A: He thought he was God and she didn't!

Q: How can you tell if a woman is divorced?
A: She's bungee jumping for joy.

Q: Why is marriage is a three ring circus>
A: An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring!

Q: What are the two times when a man doesn't understand a woman?
A: Before marriage and after marriage!

Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild,but when they go, they take your house and car.

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again!

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 90% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced

Once I am married, divorce is not an option. My kids are going to have a mother and a father.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Custody Case

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Twenty Years Ago
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

Pragmatic Wife

After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.

A guy walks into a bar with a gun and said "Which one of you slept with my wife."
and a guy in the back stands up and says "You dont have enough bullets."

Getting back in the Game
I was talking to this fit blonde lady lastnight in the pub. She asked me, so whats going on with you.
I said i'm just going tru a long divorce, she said oh no do you have any kids I said yeah ten.
She asked are you gonna get custody of them. I said, well not realy she'll only give me the fat ones.

Husband Wife

Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Husband: Dear do you know that exams are like women?
Wife: How funny?
Husband: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful..

Husband: Do you want a kiss?
Wife: No.
Husband: Do you remember what i just said?
Wife: Do you want a kiss?
Husband: Yes, if you insist..

Husband: Amazing world, only 25% of men have common sense, very short figure!
Wife: What about Rest?
Husband: Well rest are Married!

Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!'
Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room......'
Husband: "Hey babe, you smell that?"
Wife: "No."
Husband: "Me neither, start cooking."

Wife: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return you everything you gave me..
Husband: What a joke? Okay then, let's start with Kisses!"

Husband: Just because you have your period doesn't mean you can be a bitch.
Wife: Oh well just because you have a dick doesn't mean you can be one.

Husband: "Life's a bitch, just like you."
Wife: "Actually life is short, just like your dick."

Wife: Can u explain how this lipstick got on your collar?
Husband: No I cant. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off

Wife: I have changed my mind.
Husband: Thank God! Does the new one work now?

Wife: How many women have you slept with?
Husband: Only you, Darling... with all the others I was awake....

Wife: "Go to hell."
Husband: "I'm sorry, I can't go to hell. They kicked my ass out. I was caught selling ice."

Wife : Babe , What�s Your Fav Position?
Husband : When I got down on one knee and made you my wife.

Husband: You know it's a proven fact that women talk twice as much as men!
Wife: That's because we have to repeat everything we tell our husbands!
Husband: What?

Wife: "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
Husband: (smirks)
Wife: "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
Husband: "Absolutely not,"
Wife: "How Sweet!"
Husband: "The season's more than half over!"

First Husband: "My wife's an angel!"
Second Husband: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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