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Blowjob Jokes


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Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob!

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.
A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you canít beat a blowjob.

Q: Why did the woman smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Q: Whatís the best thing about a blow job?
A: The ten minutes of silence!

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from your grandmother have in common?
A: You don't look down

Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!

Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who broke her nose on a steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You just KNOW she'll swallow!

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,

Q: Whatís better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.

Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can't find the zipper!

Q: Whats comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.

Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

Q: What's sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.

Q: What is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something!

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!

Q: Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?
A: You donít know? soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

Q: How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob?
A: You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for sex?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod!

Q: Whatís the definition of trust?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q: Whatís the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip!

Q: What does 69 equal?
A: A couple of mouths full.

There's no business like Show Business.
There's no job like a blow job.

If 2 nuts on the wall are walnuts
And 2 nuts on your chest are chestnuts
What are two nuts on your chin?
A blowjob

One sperm said to the other sperm "I'll race you to the egg!"
The other sperm said "OK, but pace yourself, we just passed the throat!"

69 is always great, but 16 is better because you both get eight!

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy and his owner beats him.

Have you ever woundered if your mother kissed you good night after giving your dad a blow job. I bet you u are now. Its your turn to ruin someones day!

If you've never heard of manscaping, then I've never heard of a blowjob

If a man goes down on his mother does he experience deja vu?

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53... that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

I was in math class and my teacher asked "what comes after 69?" Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.

Girls, it's called a blowjob because its your job. Don't be irresponsible, show up to work.

I think I left a Blowjob at your house..... Do you mind if I come by later and get it?

A blow job before sex is a great head start.

Oh Henry
A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.
She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.
The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.
After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.
"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."
"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"
"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."
"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea..

School
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says " Mas-ter-bate."
Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, thatís a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Hall, youíre thinking of a blowjob."

Boy/Girl
BOY: "Give me a blow job."
GIRL: "Can you be more romantic?"
BOY: "Fine, give me a blow job in the rain."

Blowjob Rhyme
There once was a girl by the name of Kim
She had a Guy by the name of Jim
Big fat balls and a hairy long dick
Stuck it down her throat and made her sick
She gagged and puked and gagged some more
Yes sir e she is a whore
Big fat tits and a hairy cunt to boot
If you don't watch it she will set on your snoot
Suck your head right up her twat
Her ass is as big as a parking lot
She died at the age of 26
Because she like to suck those dicks.

Shipmates
A group of guys go on a ship after a few days a guy got horny so he went up to the captain and asked "What do you guys use when you get horney?"
The captain said theres a barrel over there with a hole in it we use that"
The guy replied "Great when can I use it"
The captain said "Everyday other then tuesday"
The guy asked "Why not tuesday?"
The captain grined and said "Cause thats your day in the barrel."

Beautiful Blonde
A guy is in a bar having a quiet drink by himself when a young beautiful blonde lady walks up to him and asks him to buy her a drink.
The guy turns and says to her "Have you ever had a BUDGIE sit on your right shoulder?"
Blonde says "NO!"
Guy says "Have you ever had a PARROT sit on your left shoulder?"
Blonde says "NO!"
Guy then says, "Aah but I bet you've had a Cock,or,too (cockatoo) in your Mouth."

Drunk Blonde
A blonde is driving down a deserted highway when she gets pulled over.

The cop gets out of his car and asks if she has been drinking and she replies "No".

His breathalyzer equipment is broken

So he radios the station and asks what to do.

The cop at the station says "Is she a blond driving a lipstick red corvette?" and the cop replies "Yes".

So the other cop says "What you do is tell her to get out of the car and pull out your dick as you walk up to her".

So the cop does exactly what the other cop says.

The blond gets out of the car and he whips out his dick.

The blond "sighs" and says "Please not another breathalyzer test!"

Three Girlfriends
Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?

Tattoo
A man goes to the doctor the doctor tells him to undress the doctor notice a hundred dollars bill tattooed on his dick.
The doctor asks him "Why do you have a hundred dollars tattooed on your dick?"
The man replied "I wanted to see how fast my wife can blow a hundred dollars."


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