Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A Budweiser in each hand!
Q: How is a casino like a woman?
A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: "Olive or twist?"
Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?
A: "Please, no stories!"
Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
A. So the Irish would never rule the world!
Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka?
A: The Holy Spirit!
Q: You know what's fun about being sober?
Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?
A: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila?
A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle?
A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Q: How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light?
A: He's the one dancing like an asshole!
Q: How do you know a man is really really gay?
A: When he's nursing a Bacardi Breezer!
If beer pong was a sport, I'd have a full scholarship
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?
A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one.
Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color
Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.
Q: How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: He's nursing a Mike's Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!
Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for Bud Light!
Q: What is the similarity between Michelob Ultra and having sex in a rowboat?
A: They are both SO close to water!
Q: What do you call a man with a pint of Labatts on his head?
A: A taxi. Clearly, he's had too much booze and is being a nuisance.
Q: What do blondes and bottle of Corona have in common?
A: Their both empty from the neck up!
Q: Where do monkeys go to grab a beer?
A: The monkey bars!
Q: What does a wet beer fart leave in your shorts?
A: A Bengal stripe.
Q: Why are Men like coolers?
A: Load them with Bud Light, and you can take them anywhere!
Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common?
A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
Q: What is a rednecks last words?
A: "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!"
Q: Why don't Democrats drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering!
Q: What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff Vodka?
A: a "Pabst Smir!"
Q: What does a ghost drink?
Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in the south?
A: Open other end.
A bee goes into a bar,
It comes out 2 hours later buzzing
Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday?...
Mayan: Hey wanna beer?
Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.
Beer doesn't turn people into somebody they're not.
It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
A duck walks in to a bar and says "Give me 200 beers".
The bar tender says "How are you going to pay for that?"
So the duck says "Just put in on my bill!!!"
Life and beer are very similar .....chill for best results.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?
There's an icebox where my heart used to be. I needed more storage for my beer.
If beer, coffee, or a nap can't cure it, you've got a serious problem.
God is great, beer is good, & people are crazy.
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy beer.
Alcohol is never the answer... But it does make you forget the question.
Love has 4 letters, but then again so does beer
Money can't buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy beer.
Beer is my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy...
Beer doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people.
Say 'beer can' with a British accent. I just taught you how to say 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent.
Beer Pong is a sport, right guys?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I don't drink to forget. I drink because beer is delicious. Forgetting is just a bonus.
Never text while driving, you might spill your beer.
I don't recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyways
My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
My body is not a temple.....it's a microbrewery with legs.
No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
Anyone who says that beer is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.
I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
I want my last words to be "Hold my beer and watch this."
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
A Shot of Whiskey
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.
The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."
Bar One Liners
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.
A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it!
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper.
Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed.
He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked?
He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"
Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked."
The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired.
The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers.
The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
King of the Hill
Hank: "You're 12 years old, and drinking a beer."
Bobby Hill: "I didn't even like it."
Hank: "Now you're just trying to get me mad."
Two girls were comparing boyfriends.
"Mine's the best," said the first. "I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!"
"Oh yeah," exclaimed the other, "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"
Liquor Pick Up Lines
"Girl, this isnt a beer belly, its a fuel tank for my love machine!
Here is $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me.
Your one tall glass of Labatts Blue and I'm real thirsty.
Girl, I would buy you a drink but I'd be jealous of the glass.
"Baby, you put the 'hot ass' in my shot glass.
I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
(After spilling a beer on a pretty lady) Did you just take a shower or is it me that's making you wet?
Hey, you owe me a drink. I dropped mine when you walked past.