Vin Diesel Jokes

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

What color is Vin Diesel's blood? Trick question Vin Diesel does not bleed.

Vin Diesel can get Chick-Fil-A on Sundays.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel can touch MC Hammer

Vin Diesel doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Vin Diesel spared your life
Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

You don't hit Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel hits you!

Strippers tip Vin Diesel.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Vin Diesel jumps out.

Your attraction to Vin Diesel in no way affects your sexual orientation.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

If you spell Vin Diesel in a Scrabble game, you win. Always.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

People with amnesia still remember Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel doesn't do pushups. Instead, he pushes the earth down.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Vin Diesel entered a vehicle that had no fuel but the fuel tank was filled with Diesel the moment Vin Diesel touched it.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vin Diesel.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

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