Q: Why isn't Edward Cullen really a vampire?
A: He hangs out in trees and sparkles, he's a fairy!
Q: Why can't Edward read Bella's mind?
A: There's nothing to read.
Q: Why can Bella give Edward Cullen blowjobs at night?
A: Edward's balls sparkle!
Q: Why aren't there real vampires living right now?
A: They all killed themselves after reading Twilight!
Q: How do you know that Edward Cullen is gay?
A: Blood isn't the only thing Edward Cullen sucks!
Q: How many Twihards does it take to screw on a light bulb?
A: I don't know, they're all too busy fighting over who gets to be Mrs Cullen
Q: Why are the Cullens homosexuals?
A: Vampires burn in the sunlight, gays sparkle!
Q: What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: How do you know that Bella has some issues?
A: She is constantly trying to romantically decide between bestiality and necrophilia!
Q: Why is Twilight like soccer?
A: They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don't understand!
Q: What is the best Birthday gift for Jacob?
A: A bag of Pedigree dog food
Q: How do you scare Jacob?
A: Just yell out "Jacob its time for your flee bath"
Q: Why is Edward cullen so pale?
A: There isn't any light in the closet
Q: How do you stop Jacob Black from annoying you?
A: You pick up a stick, throw it and yell 'fetch'!
Q: How do you know your dating Alice Cullen?
A: Your girlfriend can predict the shuffle on your iPod.
Q: Why will Edward Cullen make an appearance in the next Narnia film?
A: Because he's that deep in the closet!
Q: What do you call a pale white man that dates women a tenth of his age?
A: Michael Jackson!
Q: How do you permanently become dumber?
A: Put her in the same room as Stephanie Meyer, her books, and wait a minute!
Twilight One Liners
Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward goes away, Bella dies, Jacob cries, Potter all the way!
The only thing Count Chocula has in common with Twilight vampires is that he's gay.
Dear Twilight, You are not the end of an era. Harry Potter was the end of an era. You, are the end of an error. Sincerely, Potterheads.
Twilight, making gay vampires sparkle since 2007.
Twilight; Taking the 'N' out of "Vampire Fangs" since 2007.
Chuck Norris can read Bella's mind.
The Volturi went into hiding when they heard Chuck Norris DOES exist.
Burned myself a copy of Twilight. Then I made another copy and burned that too.
"Twilight is so much better than Harry Potter!" - Said no one, ever.
I went to the used book store and asked "You got any of the Twilight books in stock? We ran out of toilet paper in my house."
Thank you Stephanie Meyer for teaching young women they are only worth something when they're loved by a sparkling homosexual.
Couldn't decide between french fries & onion rings for lunch so I got both & now I totally understand Twilight.
Abstract Twilight Thoughts
This is how Twilight should have ended
Edward and Bella smoke a blunt.
Edward gets the munchies
...no more Bella!
Rosalie Hale was told to find something just as or more beautiful then herself.
She came back with a mirror!
Roses are red,
Vampires are cool,
But not twilight,
Because Edwards a tool.
Dear fans of Twilight, please note that vampires are dead and have no blood running through them.
Therefore they can NOT get and erection.
Have a good time fantisizing about that.
I called my boyfriend the wrong name,
Now he thinks I'm cheating on him with some guy named,
I called your boyfriend gay,
and he sparkled me to death,