Tiger Woods Jokes

Q: What's worst than Tiger Woods driving your Cadillac Escalade?
A: Dick Cheney riding shotgun!

Q: Why doesn't Elin Nordegren ever shop at the fish market?
A: Because Tiger is always bringing home crabs!

Q: How did Tiger Wood's ethnicity play a role in his driving accident?
A: The black in Tiger bought the Cadillac Escalade, the asian in him wrecked it!

Q: What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron?
A: Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

Dear Lindsey Vonn, A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.

Q: How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course?
A: By strategically placing fire hydrants!

Q: Why does Elin now make Tiger Woods cry every time she has sex?
A: She's using irons instead of Woods driver!

Q: What happened when Tiger Woods signed his scorecard with a 69?
A: The PGA asked if it was on the golf course or in the bedroom!

Q: Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?
A: Intercourse!

Q: Why is the PGA threatening to review all of Tiger's victories?
A: Because he's been accused of carrying an extra Wood in his bag!

Q: Why was Tiger Woods kicked off the Ryder Cup team?
A: He has a history of getting beat by Europeans!

Q: Tired of hearing about Tom Brady?
A: Tiger Woods had his balls deflated by his wife and every body cheered!

Q: In which Wayan Brothers movie does Tiger Woods make a cameo?
A: White Chicks 2!

Q: Why is Tiger's golf game no different than his personal life?
A: He's always getting his balls cleaned!

Q: When did Tiger drive through a water hazard and into the trees?
A: After his second ho!

Q: Why does Tiger Woods cry while nailing hot white girls?
A: The mace

Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade?
A: Tiger can drive the golf ball 400 yards!

Q: What do you call the first 9 women to come forward in the Tiger Wood's sex scandal?
A: The Front Nine!

Q: Whats did the Dalai Lama tell reporters about the Tiger Woods incident?
A1: You usually find a tree in a Woods, but Tiger's wife found a Woods in a tree!
A2: You can take a Tiger out of the Woods but you can't take the Wood out of the Tiger!

Q: What do you give Tiger & Elin Woods for their next wedding anniversary?
A: Nothing. There won't be a next.

Q: How did Elin Nordegren learn how to swing a golf club?
A: By watching "Happy Gilmore"!

Q: How was Elin Nordegren able to confirm her suspicions about Tiger's infidelity?
A: The Golf Channel reported that Tiger had been working with an extra-stiff shaft in between rounds of his last tournament!

Q: What corporations are still thinking about signing Tiger Wood's to an endorsement deal?
A: Trojan, KY Jelly, Motel 6, Lavalife, Adultfriendfinder, AshleyMadison!

Q: What happened after Tiger Woods visited the Virgin Islands?
A: They renamed it The Islands!

Q: What score did the Florida State police give Tiger Woods following his accident?
A: Tree-under

Q: How did Jack Nicklaus characterize Tiger's golf game?
A: "His short game is still as strong as ever, but he's having problems with his drives."

Q: Why did Gatorade dump Tiger Woods' Focus sports drink?
A: Because the slogan "Is it in You?", now has a different connotation!

Q: What do you do when you see a Tiger in a tree?
A: Call 911 because he was just in a car accident.

Q: Why won't Tiger be satisfied until he finds a white mistress named "Gillette"?
A: Because Gillette's "the best a man can get!"

Q: Why were Tiger and Elin arguing at 2:30 in the morning?
A: He wanted to go Driving, but she had Clubbing on her mind!

Q: Why did Elin Nordegren keep hitting Tiger Woods with a golf club?
A: She was just trying to strike while the iron was hot!

Q: Why did the PGA Tour say they suspend Tiger Woods indefinitely?
A: By now, Tiger should know the difference between the right hole and the wrong hole!

Q: What's worst than par in a Cadillac Escalade?
A: Tree-under!

Q: Why was Tiger in such a hurry at 2:30?
A: He was late getting to the next hole.

Q: Why is Tiger's Wife getting increasing mad at him?
A: She heard that he played a round in Australia....England....New York... & Las Vegas!

Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods playing golf and driving a car?
A: In golf, Tiger can stay out of the trees.

Q: Why is Elin Nordegren becoming increasingly angry with her husband, Tiger Woods?
A: Because he still hasn't taken his Match.com profile down!

Q: What is Tiger Woods' favorite driver?
A: His screwdriver.

Q: Why did Tiger Woods get into so much trouble?
A: Because he put his driver into the wrong bag!

Q: What's Tiger Wood's favorite club?
A: The nightclub!

Q: Why did Elin Nordegren hit Tiger with a 9 iron again?
A: She wanted a Mulligan!

Q: What is Tiger Woods' new year resolution?
A: No more Escalades, phone messages, and Swedish Blondes!

Q: Is Tiger Woods the greatest golfer in history?; the debate continues.
A: Has Tiger Woods been in more holes than any other professional golfer?; the debate is over.

Q: What did Confucius say to Tiger Woods?
A: He who drives well in "fairway" does not always "fare" well in driveway.

Q: What were Tiger Woods & his wife doing out at 3am?
A: Clubbing

Q: How will Elin Woods receive her divorce settlement from Tiger?
A: With a huge oversized check!

Q: How can you tell Elin Nordegren and her twin sister Josephine apart?
A: Elin is holding the 9 iron!

Q: Why is it ironic that Tiger Woods owns many expensive cars?
A: Now he has a hole in one!

Q: What did Tiger Woods say to the Paramedics?
A: Who are you? And what are all these trees doing in my House?

Q: How did Tiger Woods explain his cheating ways to his wife?
A: "Honey, I'm a professional golfer. That means, every day, I need to play a round."

Q: What is Tiger's least favorite wood?
A: A tree!

Q: Is it true Tiger Woods is playing a round?
A: Yes, he's doing 18 holes!

Q: Why did Elin Woods use the 9 iron to bust out the rear window?
A: Because she hated the driver!

Q: What is the name of the porn film about the Tiger Woods crash?
A: Morning Wood!

Q: What is the name of the porn film about Tiger Woods life
A: Black Thai Affairs!

Q: Why did Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree?
A: His caddie wasn't there to help him decide between an iron and a wood.

Q: Why did Phil Mickelsen call Elin Nordegen?
A: For tips on how to beat Tiger!

Q: What happened when Tiger Woods hit a tree with his Cadillac Escalade?
A: A bunch of women fell out!

Q: What is the "Tiger Woods" hazard?
A: When your field of play is obstructed by a crazy bitch!

Q: What's the difference between hitting a golf club and being hit by a golf club?
A: Ask Tiger, he knows!

Q: How do you know that Elin Nordegren is a bad golfer?
A: She needed 5 mulligans on Tigers face!

Q: What song did Tiger Woods sing to his kids on Christmas Day?
A: "All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth"!

Q: What is Tiger Woods newly changed legal name?
A: Tiger Woodies!

Q: If Tiger is not really a Tiger then what is he?

Q: Why does Tiger Woods always want the gallery to be quiet when he's playing golf?
A: He's tired of the kids saying "Hi! Dad"! "Hi! Dad"!

Q: What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
A: They've both been clubbed by Norwegians!

Q: Why is Elin Nordegren so angry?
A: Elin thought she was marrying a tiger, but now learned he's really a cheatah.

Q: What course does Tiger Woods always get an hole in one?
A: Intercourse!

Q: What is Nike's new golfing slogan?
A: Tiger Woods, the best Swinger in the world. Just Do It!

Q: Why is the PGA looking into all of Tiger Woods victories?
A: Someone told them he cheats!

Q: Why are sponsors sticking with Tiger Woods?
A: Apparently women don't watch golf!

Q: What did Elin Nordegren do that no other golfer has done before?
A: Beat Tiger Woods with a 9-iron!

Q: What is the most ironic part of the whole Tiger Woods incident?
A: A big Tiger was knocked-out by a little pussy!

Q: What's the new children birthday game released by Parker Brothers?
A: Pin the 9-iron on the Tiger!
Q: Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
A: Tiger has a better Driver

Q: Why did Tiger Woods crash into a fire hydrant and a tree?
A: He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron!

Q: Why shouldn't Tiger Woods have to apologize for screwing a couple of women?
A: Because Barack Obama is screwing everyone else!

Q: Why doesn't Tiger Wood's understand he is in Sex Addiction rehab?
A: He keeps requesting conjugal visits from his mistresses!

Q: What does Paris Hilton and Tiger Woods have in common?
A: They both are a big hit with clubs.

Q: Why did Tiger Woods go to a sex addiction clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi?
A1: Because the Mississippi state stone is "petrified wood".
A2: Because Mississippi women like multiple partners. That's why they always say "Y'all come!"
A3: Because he thought the word "grits" meant a new sexual position!
A4: Because the Mississippi state fish is the Largemouth bass!

Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
A: Santa Claus stops after 3 ho's!

Q: Why does Tiger like the jungle?
A: He gets a lot of bush in the jungle because he is a tiger!

Q: What was the number one answer in a survey asking 1000 women about whether they would sleep with Tiger Woods?
A: Never Again!

An Angry Elin Woods called Tiger Woods yesterday, screaming "You bastard! You got me pregnant!
Tiger replied, "Wait a minute. Who is this?"

Q: What's the new tablet computer Tiger Woods is endorsing?
A: idock,,, It features a seven inch hard drive and no memory!

Q: What's the difference between Tiger's Cadillac Escalade and his pitching wedge?
A: He can hit his wedge over water hazards and trees.

Q: What does Tiger Woods consider to be safe sex?
A: When Elin is out of town!

Q: Why is Tiger Woods being honored on Earth Day in April 2010?
A: Because of all the white trash he's picked up worldwide!

Q: What do Tiger and Elin have in common?
A: They both try to club his balls are hard as possible.

Q: Why did Tiger Woods get into so much trouble?
A: He kept picking up birdies!

Q: What is Gillette not interested in Tiger Woods endorsing their shavers?
A: He can no longer say "this is his closest shave ever."

Q: Why is Tiger Woods really really upset?
A: His caddy couldn't help him avoid the tree and the water hazard!

Q: What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger?
A: Looks like it was a bitching wedge.

Q: How can you say you outdrove Tiger Woods?
A: By safely making it out of your own driveway in the morning?

Q: Did you hear about the new Tiger Woods inspired Kung Fu movie?
A: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."

Q: Why isn't Tiger Woods really a Tiger?
A: Only a cub gets clubbed at home!

Q: Why should Tiger Woods give up the game of golf?
A: After winning just about everything, Tiger has finally lost his drive!

Q: Why did Tiger's wife beat him with his 9 iron?
A: Someone else was using his wood!

Q: How do you know Tiger's been playing well lately?
A: He's been leaving his balls hole high.

Q: What does the press refer to Tiger Woods' six mistresses?
A: His "18 holes"

Q: What has the Tiger Woods incident taught young couples about relationships?
A: Even though you get great home cooked meals, everyone wants to eat out occasionally!

Q: What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole?
A: Ask Tiger, he knows

Q: Why is Elin Woods mad about Tiger's spending habits?
A: He purchased a hallmark store because of all the valentines cards he had to send!

Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods' wife and his Escalade?
A: The white airbag in the Escalade didn't blow up and hit him in the face.

Q: What do you get if your in bed with any of Tiger's alleged mistresses?

Q: What was Tiger Woods first twitter from inside sex addiction rehab?
A: I Twittered my Google and came on MyFace!

Q: What's the difference between a computer hard drive and a Cadillac Escalade?
A: Tiger Woods can back up a hard drive.

Q: Why can't Tiger Woods apologize to all the women he's been involved with?
A: Elin won't give him back his phone!

Q: Where do all of Tiger Woods' girlfriends live?
A: They live in Idaho, because each one says, "Hi. Idaho of the day."

Q: What is Tiger Woods favorite pick-up line?
A: I get a hole in 1 every time baby!

Q: What does Tiger Woods and the new Nike commercial for the Masters have in common?
A: Tiger Woods bangs prostitutes and Nike pimps out his father's memory!

Q: How is Southwest Airlines capitalizing on Tiger Woods infidelty woes?
A: By introducing a special Tiger Woods rate where mistresses fly free!

Tiger woods has admitted to his wife, Elin Woods, that he has played around with 7 women. His wife thinks there are at least 11 more he has had sex with because she knows Tiger likes to play 18 holes.

Confucius Says:
It's nice to talk about Tiger tappin birdies instead of birds.

One day Tiger is out with Elin by the stream but what\'s so interesting about that?
He hijacks the beavers damn escalade and says mama we're going clubbing tonight

Breaking News! April 7, 2010
Tiger participated in his first "threesome" in nearly 5 months today at the Masters!

Q: What do the top selling T-shirts at the Masters say?
A: Pick me Tiger. I'm 90% white, golden showers r my fave & I don't fuck & tell

Tiger Woods is proof:
You'll ALWAYS lose money by chasing women, you'll NEVER lose women chasing money...

A caddy found a golf ball at the end of the fairway that he claimed belonged to Tiger Woods because it had a picture of his mistress on it.
When questioned about it, Tiger looked at the ball with the picture and replied, "Yeah, I hit that."

The kids R playing Tiger Woods crazy minature golf.
Windmill was easy but they cnt get past the nite club. Or the cocktail bar.

When Tiger woods wife was hitting him with the golf club she asked how many women he had slept with.
Witnesses said they heard him scream "FOUR".

After hearing that a blonde with big breasts beat Tiger woods, Colin Montgomery is upping his game

An amateur golfer was interested in buying a new pair of golf shoes from the new Tiger Woods Signature line, but the entire line was recalled because the spikes couldn't penetrate the turf!

The Pope and Tiger Woods

The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified". The next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven."
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
Tiger: "You're a day late."

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