OJ Simpson Jokes


Q: Who's the dumbest person in America?
A: OJ's next girlfriend!

Q: What do the Pittsburgh Steelers and O.J. Simpson have in common?
A: They both beat up on the Browns.

Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
A: O.J. Simpson.

Q: What record of OJ's will stand forever?
A: His criminal record.

Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common?
A: They both have O.J. in a can.

Q: What are two things that O.J. has that every man wants?
A: A Heisman Trophy and a dead wife.

Q: What's the difference between Rodney King and O.J. Simpson?
A: O.J. started out with millions.

Q: What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbit, Tammy Faye, and O.J.Simpson in the same room?
A: A butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker.

Q: What do O.J. and Pee-Wee Herman have in common?
A: They were both arrested for abusing their loved ones.

Q: What is the difference between O.J. and David Letterman?
A: There is absolutely nothing funny about David Letterman.

Q: Why can't Heidi Fleiss and O.J. play golf together?
A: Because Heidi Fleiss is a hooker and O.J. is a slicer.

Q: Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills?
A: OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.

Q: Why did OJ's kids want to live with their dad?
A: They knew they could get away with murder.

Q: Where was Kato Kalin between 9 and 12?
A: In the fourth grade.

Q: What Halloween Costume is sure to scare the hell out of your ex-girlfriend?
A: An O.J. Simpson costume.

Q: Did you hear about OJ's new margerine endorsement?
A: I can't believe I'm Not Guilty.

Q: What did Johnny Cochran say when accused of beating his wife?
A: At least I didn't kill her like some people I know.

Q: What's the difference between OJ and Colonel Sanders?
A: Colonel Sanders cuts up his chicks before he batters them.

Q: What is the difference between Tang and O.J.?
A: Tang won't kill you!

Q: Why do they call him O.J.?
A: Because he beats the pulp out of his women.

Q: What was the last thing Nicole said?
A: "I should have had a V-8."

Q: What did O.J. do when he saw the cops in his rearview mirror?
A: He froze and concentrated.

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson?
A: "Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids."

Q: Why are Heidi Fleiss, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Greg Luganus the worst golf team ever assembled?
A: Because Heidi Hooks, OJ Slices, Kennedy is in the Water and Greg is always in the wrong hole.

Q: Why were some people in L.A. dissapointed by the O.J. verdict?
A: They already had new TV sets picked out!

Q: Why was O.J. allowed out of jail for Thanksgiving?
A: He was the only one in his family who could carve up white meat.

Q: How can you tell if it's the springtime in Idaho?
A: You will see Mark Fuhrman planting gloves.

Q: What was the last thing O.J. said to Nicole?
A: "Your waiter will be right with you."

Q: What does O.J. have in common with a box of fireworks?
A: They both can kill people, but we let them off anyway!

Q: What is the slogan of OJ's new limo service?
A: We'll get you to the airport with time to kill.

Q: What did OJ whisper to Robert Shapiro after the verdict was read?
A: "Just let me grab my hat and gloves and I'll meet you at the door."

Q: How do we know that Thurman Thomas didn't kill O.J.'s ex-wife?
A: Thurman would have fumbled the knife.

Q: What was O.J.'s favorite play in the Bills' playbook?
A: Cut left, then slash right!

Q: Why did O.J. kill his ex?
A: He wanted to restrict her free agency.

Q: Did you hear that the police are now saying that O.J. moved the bodies after the murders?
A: They are accusing him of 2 carries for 58 yards.

Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway?
A: One drives a slow, white Bronco. The other "is" a slow, white Bronco.

Q: What is O.J.'s favorite Major League Baseball team?
A: The Red Sox!

Q: Remember what a great career O.J. had with the Buffalo Bills?
A: Imagine what he could have done with the Sabres!

Q: What's the difference between the Simpson trial and the Super Bowl?
A: Both had over 50 million viewers, but only one has seen a Buffalo Bill win

Q: What do the LAPD and NFL defences have in common?
A: Both let OJ slip through their fingers.

Q: What distinction does OJ hold in jail?
A: He's the first inmate with a retired number.

Q: Why won't Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman play in the NFL?
A: They were cut by the Bills.

Q: What was OJ penalized for the most?
A: Unnecessary roughness.

Q: Why was OJ such a great football player?
A: He knew how to knife thru the defenders.

Q: How do we know OJ is innocent?
A: When he was with the Bills, he always cut to the left.

Q: What is Kato Kalin proof of?
A: Ginger and Gilligan had sex.

Q: What do the state of California and Taco Bell have in common?
A: They are two things that can give O.J. gas.

Q: What's harder than squeezing blood from a turnip?
A: Squeezing O.J. from a Bronco.

Q: Did you hear O.J. is coming out with a new movie?
A: It's called, "It WAS a Wonderful Life."

Q: Why did OJ attend his ex-wife's funeral?
A: So he could see that the body was disposed of.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is really dumb?
A: When she marries OJ Simpson.

Q: What's the difference between O.J. and American justice?
A: O.J. is free.

Q: What's O.J.'s motto?
A: Life's a bitch, and then you stab one.

Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. ride at Disney Land?
A: It's a dollar to get on but $5 million to get off.

Q: What was Nicole Simpson's last words?
A: Stop, O.J.! It Hertz!

Q: Is O.J. Simpson still the spokesman for Hertz?
A: Not exactly.

Q: Did you hear about the new Hertz commercial?
A: O.J. is seen running through the airport, jumping over seats and babies in strollers, to catch his plane for Chicago. The rental agent is frantically running after him yelling, "Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson, you forgot your bloody glove!"

The Florida Orange Growers Association has offered to pay all of OJ's legal bills on one condition.
He has to change his name to snapple.

O.J. used to play football.
Now it looks like he played sock-her as well.

O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players in history.
He entered the NFL as a running back.
He entered prison as a tight end
...and will leave prison as a wide receiver!

The police are now saying that the murder weapon was a set of hedge clippers.
O.J.'s lawyers think that instead of getting the death penalty, O.J. will get 15 yards for clipping.

Baseball
One day during the O.J trial, Marcia Clark was arguing with Johnny Cochran.
Judge Ito said "how about we take a 3 hour break to play some baseball."
When Judge Ito hit the ball into left field, O.J missed it.
Judge Ito said, "How could you have missed that fly ball?"
O.J replied "My bloody glove was too small!"

Late Night

"O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now."
Jay Leno

"Earlier today, O.J. Simpson was charged with 11 criminal counts, including kidnapping, robbery and assault. Afterwards, O.J. said, 'Wow. Now I really have done it all.'
Conan O'Brien

"The story is O.J. convinced five other guys ... to go into a room to retrieve sports memorabilia that he says belonged to him. And as the late Johnnie Cochran once said, 'You can't steal-a your own memorabilia.' ... So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed."
Jimmy Kimmel

"Apparently, after O.J. was taken into custody, he was questioned by police. He continues to maintain his innocence. O.J. says there's no way he committed the crime because it's not murdery enough."
Conan O'Brien



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