Q: Why can't Mitt Romney screw in a light bulb?
A: Because he can't decide which way to turn.
Mitt Romney's last concession speech was, "Okay, so we won't lay off EVERYONE."
Q: How did Mitt Romney make hundreds of millions of dollars?
A: By turning $21 an hour jobs into $9 an hour jobs.
Q: What did Mitt Romney learn at Bain Capital?
A: How to destroy worker's lives, steal pensions, pioneer outsourcing, and master tax dodging!
Q: How does Mitt Romney plan to fix social security?
A: By taking the word SECURITY out of it.
Q: What book does Mitt Romney want to read to our children?
A: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, I Hate 47% of You-fish
According to Paul Ryan, we can't afford Medicare, but we can afford to lower Mitt Romney's tax rate (13.9%)
Barack Obama killed Osama bin Laden. Mitt Romney is going to kill Big Bird. Enough said.
Q: How does Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney expect to win the soccer mom vote?
A: By marrying all of them!
Q: What does a 65 year old tell his plastic surgeon?
A: I wanna look like Mitt Romney
Q: Why shouldn't Mitt Romney claim China is taking our jobs?
A: He made a career of gift-wrapping jobs for them.
Q: How do you know if your a homosexual?
A: Mitt Romney won't talk to you anymore!
Q: Where does Mitt Romney plan to create Jobs?
A: "In Singapore, China and India."
Dear Women voters,
Barack Obama lives in a house full of women.
Mitt Romney has binders full of women.
Q: Why is it a good thing that Mitt Romney doesn't drink beer?
A: Because no one would want to have one with him.
Q: What do Birthers and Mitt Romney have in common?
A: They really don't believe their views. They're just racists.
Q: What do you call a pumpkin carved to look like Mitt Romney?
Q: What's the only kind of hunting Mitt Romney takes part in?
A: Hunting for easter eggs!
Q: What does it mean when a hooker offers you the Mitt Romney special?
A: For an extra $20 she'll change positions.
Q: Why does Mitt Romney pay such a low tax rate?
A: He claims 47% of Americans as dependents.
Q: Why is Mitt Romney so optimistic about the future of our economy?
A: Because he's the only presidential candidate with over 200 million dollars in the bank!
Q: Why did Mitt Romney pick Paul Ryan to be his Vice Presidential candidate?
A: Mitt likes his mates handsome.
Q: Why is Mitt Romney always seen with Ann Romney?
A: Because all his other wives support Obama.
Q: What do Mitt Romney and George W. Bush have in common?
A: Their economic plans.
Q: What's the main difference between Romneycare and Obamacare?
A: The name.
Q: What is the Beach Boys song "Kokomo" about?
A: All the places Mitt Romney has bank accounts.
Q: What's more of a breathtaking sight then seeing Mormom Mitt Romney being inaugurated as president of the United States?
A: Seeing his 18 first wives along side of him!
Q: Why did Mitt Romney get nipple rings?
A: He heard that George W Bush had a Dick Cheney.
Q: What does Mitt Romney call 300 million underpaid workers with no job security?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you sum up Mitt Romney's foreign policy?
A: Outsourcing to China, stashing money in the Caymans, and dodging Vietnam.
Q: Why does Ann Romney always get on top?
A: ...Because Mitt Romney can only fuck up.
Q: What do you get when you cross George W. Bush and polygamist Warren Jeffs?
A: Mitt Romney with binders full of women!
Q: How does Mitt Romney plan to save Social Security?
A: By putting all the money in a Swiss Bank account.
Q: What did Mitt Romney do when Ryan Secrest said 62 million people voted in the American Idol finale?
A: He went out and bought a karaoke machine
Q: How does Paul Ryan plan to magically cut government spending?
A: With his razor-sharp widow's peak.
Q: What does the greek word "polygamy" stand for?
A: "Poly" meaning for multiple and "gamy" meaning reasons not to vote for Mitt Romney!
Q: Why is Mitt Romney in trouble for having illegal immigrants mowing his lawn?
A: Because Walmart is accusing him of stealing their employees!
Q: Why won't Mitt Romney become president of the United States?
A: After you go Barack, you never go back!
Q: What happened after Mitt Romney gave a speech on health care?
A: He issued a five-minute rebuttal!
Q: How can Mitt Romney connect with the Latino community in 2012?
A: By having himself deported!
Q: Why would democrats love a Mitt Romney-Sarah Palin presidental ticket?
A: She can't answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question!
Q: What will Mitt Romney's secret service codename be if he becomes president?
A: Mega Millions
Q: Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog, Seamus, to the roof of his car?
A: Because his station wagon was full of wives!"
Q: What does Mitt Romney say when he farts?
A: Obama did it
Q: Why doesn't Mitt Romney have any knuckle tattoos?
A: Because there's too many letters in "Screw Poor People."
Q: How do you know Mitt Romney is lying?
A: His lips are moving!
Q: What can't 200 Millions dollars buy for Mitt Romney?
A: Twitter followers!
Q: What did Osama Bin Laden's ghost say to Mitt Romney?
A: "Don't be sad, Obama's foreign policy killed me too"
Q: What is Mitt Romney's favorite brand of binder?
A: Trap-Her keep-Her!
Q: Why is Romney more popular in China than in America?
A: He created jobs over there.
Q: Why doesn't Ann Romney want to be the first lady?
A: Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
Q: Which 2 food groups make up Mitt Romney's diet?
A: Meat and Democrats!
Q: Why do London Olympic organizers confuse Mitt Romney?
A: They kept referring to him as a banker, but with a W.
Q: What does Ann Romney wear to get her husband in the mood?
A: A pink slip.
Q: What will Mitt Romney be doing after the election?
A: Lying around the house
Q: How do you run a small business that outsources to China?
A: Start off as a large business and ask Mitt Romney to manage it.
Q: How does Mitt Romney plan to win presidential debates?
A: Body Language
Q: What does Mitt Romney mean when he says that he and Paul Ryan are ‘America's comeback team.'?
A: They're ready to come back in four years and try again.
Q: Why do employees call Mitt Romney a seagull?
A: He flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits all over everything, and leaves!
Q: What's the difference between Mitt Romney & a Cockroach?
A: The cockroach won't start WWIII but it sure will survive it.
Q: What does Mitt Romney plan to do during his first day in office?
A: Deny Health Care to 50 Million Americans.
Q: What did Mitt Romney tell Pope Benedict?
A: "I think you'd maximize your profits by outsourcing your prayers to India."
Q: Why should young people hide their iPods if Mitt Romney becomes president?
A: "Mitt Romney has already laid off everyone at the C+C Music Factory."
Q: Why is a venture capitalist like a sperm?
A: One in every three million have the potential to become a human being.
Q: What has a better chance than Mitt Romney winning the Presidency?
A: Mitt Romney's hair moving in a tornado!
Q: What does Mitt Romney and "a fish out of water" have in common?
A: They both like to flip-flop.
Q: Why did Mitt Romney become a Mormon?
A: He heard there was a new profit (Prophet) in it.
Q: Why did GOP Chairman Michael Steele apologize for his comments on Mormon's and Mitt Romney?
A: Because anyone able to have as many white wives as possible is off-da-hook!
Q: According to Mitt Romney why aren't wind power jobs real jobs?
A: Because you can't outsource them to China.
Q: Why is it alright that life long hunter Mitt Romney has only hunted small animals?
A: Because Dick Cheney is the only Republican to hunt lawyers!
Q: Why shouldn't you blame Mitt Romney for growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth?
A: Because he learned to speak with a forked tongue all by himself.
Q: What's ironic about Mitt Romney refusing to release his tax returns?
A: He's never held any other position for quite this long.
Q: Why isn't Mitt Romney campaigning in Massachusetts?
A: Because they know him there.
Q: Why does Mitt Romney believe that, "welfare is destructive for poor Americans"?
A: Because it's only essential for multinational oil companies.
It's unfair that people say Mitt Romney has no soul.
He has one, it's just in an offshore account.
Robin Hood took from the rich and gave to the poor.
Mitt Romney takes from the middle class and sticks it to the poor.
If I had a dollar for every lie Mitt Romney tells the American people, I would be in his tax bracket
Today, Mitt Romney said he will begin his search for a running mate "pretty soon." Well we know it won't be Rick Santorum. No way that guy will ever call another man a "mate."
Until Mitt Romney can present a birth certificate confirming that "Mitt" isn't short for "Mittens", he can't run for president.
I had a dream last night, I voted for Mitt Romney. When I went to put the ballot in the machine it blew up.
Hey Mitt Romney: today's Sesame Street is brought to you by the letters L I A & R.
First Mitt Romney outsourced our jobs to China, now he wants to send Big Bird to a Chinese KFC.
Barack Obama literally came from nothing, making him the American Dream. Mitt Romney has always had everything handed to him on a silver platter.
Now, you tell me who would be a better president?
Does Mitt Romney know that if he wins the election, he can't restructure America and sell it for a profit?
Dear Mitt Romney: How many middle class people worry about taxes on dividends and capital gains?
Whenever Mitt Romney speaks, the crowd is very diverse. There are white people in their 50s, 60s AND 70s.
Hey Mitt Romney, how do you organize your binders of women? I do mine by cup size.
Mitt Romney was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. But it had to be removed quickly to make room for his foot...
If Mitt Romney wins the election, I volunteer as tribute for the Hunger Games
Dear Mr Romney, airplane windows don't open because "everybody would die"
Mitt Romney claimed today that he is a lifelong hunter even though he has never taken out a hunting license.
In related news George W Bush claimed he was an avid reader!
Some fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..."
Mitt Romneys begins with "If elected, I promise..."
Mitt Romney says he is pro-life....but made millions investing in abortions through Stericycle.
That awkward moment when Mitt Romney's slogan, "Keep America American" was the same slogan used by the KKK in 1922.
Mitt Romney doesn't want America to borrow money from China, he just wants to send our jobs there.
80% of the CNN focus group said that President Obama won the debate but they'd rather have Mitt Romney's pension.
Bain Capital taught Mitt Romney how to create jobs the same way marijuana teaches you to be an astronaut.
Mitt Romney is right. Government doesn't create jobs. Except for teachers, soldiers, firemen, policemen, park rangers
There's an 84% chance Mitt Romney thinks Hillary Clinton is an actual secretary.
If you repeat "Mitt Romney" three times in the mirror at midnight he will appear and steal your Social Security, Medicare, and civil rights
Hey Mitt Romney, if you invest enough in Planned Parenthood won't Sesame Street just eliminate itself?
Dear Mitt Romney, I thought I was the only one with binders full of women. Sincerely, Warren Jeffs
Mitt Romney has advised that everyone in Hurricane Sandy's path should make their way to their second or third homes immediately.
So, if Mitt Romney finds a woman in one of his 'binders full of women' that he likes, does he have to put three rings on her?
If you say "Mitt Romney" into the mirror three times, he will appear and outsource your job to China.
Earn lots of money, avoid paying taxes and ship jobs overseas and one day you could be the Republican nominee for president.
Bain Capital Conference Call
Lookfer another job, loser. Yours is goin' to China!
Late Night Jokes
A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, "Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about."
Jimmy Fallon (October 11, 2012)
"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country."
Jay Leno (September 13, 2012)
Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment.
Jay Leno (August 23, 2012)
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.
David Letterman (August 21, 2012)
Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.
Jay Leno (July 26, 2012)
"Mitt Romney believes that marriage should be between one man and one woman. Which is better than his grandfather, who believed that it should be between one man and five women."
Jimmy Kimmel (July 25, 2012)
Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white.
Jay Leno (July 11, 2012)
Mitt Romney gave a speech at the annual NAACP conference in Houston. Why, I don't know. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR.
Jimmy Kimmel (July 11, 2012)
An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs.
Jay Leno (July 10, 2012)
Mitt Romney is now promising conservatives that if he is elected, he will put Anderson Cooper back in the closet.
David Letterman (July 9, 2012)
Mitt Romney's campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands.
Jay Leno (July 9, 2012)
"So Mitt, if you are serious about winning, you have to think outside the box. what about, hear me out, Romney-Zimmerman 2012? It's unorthodox, but who better than George Zimmerman to personify your campaign theme of, 'I think the black guy's up to no good.'
Bill Maher (June 29, 2012)
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama's healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it.
Jay Leno (June 28, 2012)
"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people."
Jimmy Fallon (June 25, 2012)
"Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions."
David Letterman (June 25, 2012)
A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000 to $90,000. Or, as Romney put it, "And they said I can't connect with the poor."
Jimmy Fallon (June 5, 2012)
Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy, featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end, when he says, "I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people."
Jimmy Fallon (June 11, 2012)
Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool.
Bill Maher (June 15, 2012)
Shares of Facebook stock dropped from the opening day price of $38 to around $34 today. They say if it drops any lower, Mitt Romney will swoop in and divide it up into "Face" and "Book".
Jimmy Kimmel Live (May 21, 2012)
President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, "You can be whatever you want to be," while Romney was like, "I can be whatever you want me to be."
Jimmy Fallon (May 14, 2012)
This week, the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, "Forward." ... Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, "My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America."
Jay Leno (May 4, 2012)
After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan: "Well, I guess you're stuck with me."
Jay Leno (April 25, 2012)