Vin Diesel Jokes


People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once bit a zombie It turned into Tony Almeida.

Chuck Norris is a Texas Ranger only because Jack Bauer won’t allow him to be a federal agent.

You are what you eat. That is why Jack Bauer's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of his enemies.

Terrorists go to prison for protection from Jack Bauer. It rarely actually works.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question Jack Bauer does not bleed.

If you upset Jack Bauer you have only 24 hours to live.

Jack Bauer once ate a skittle and gave birth to EMINEM!


When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Jack Bauer jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Jacked instead.

Jack Bauer is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

TV Guide once ranked Jack Bauer #49 on their list of "TV's Top 50 Heroes". Jack Bauer then proceeded to hunt down the other 48. TV Guide will never make that mistake again.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Always.

There's a 99.9% chance, Jack Bauer is your biological father.

When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.

Jack Bauer once pissed in the fuel tank of a semi truck as a joke, that truck is now known as "Optimus Prime"

Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

When Jack Bauer plays Deal or No Deal, the banker ALWAYS offers him a million dollars.

The Sun Doesn't set, it Runs when it sees Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Jack Bauer can get Chick-Fil-A on Sundays.

Jack Bauer does not wear a condom because there is no protection from Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer has two speeds: walk and kill.

Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars Thats why theres no life on Mars.

Sharks have a week dedicated to Jack Bauer.

If you can lead a horse to water, Jack Bauer can make him drink.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth.

Bullets don't kill Jack Bauer because they're afraid to.

Jack Bauer made the most interesting man in the world drink Budweiser.

Jack Bauer never hides, he only seeks.

Jack Bauer doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

You don't hit Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer hits you!

Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on Jack Bauer's ear.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Jack Bauer, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Jack Bauer can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Jack Bauer doesn't do pushups. Instead, he pushes the earth down.

The government pays Jack Bauer's taxes.

There is only one safe place to hide from Jack Bauer.. in a bodybag.

Jack Bauer can breathe underwater.

In an average living room there are 1,365 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Jack Bauer allows to live.

Jack Bauer can divide by zero.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Jack Bauer punched himself in the face.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer cant do parkour, because no obstacle is stupid enough to get in Jack Bauer's way.

Jack Bauer invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.



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