Donald Trump Jokes

What is Donald Trump telling all his supporters?
Orange Is The New Black.

Trump: "Foreign Policy?, if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?
By renaming it Trump University.

What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?
"Let me see your birth certificate".

If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?
The Trump Card

Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?
It's called "Trump It or Dump It".

What is Donald Trump "really" trying to do?
Make America Hate Again.

Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?
Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!

El Chapo only escaped from prison to have a "talk" with Trump.

If you're black you literally have to be a brain surgeon to get a Trump cabinet post.

What does Melania see in Donald Trump?
"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"

Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?
Because he never pays his debts.

Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?
By hunting and killing their own hair piece.

Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?
Because all his other wives support Hillary.

Fear is the Path to the dark side. Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, and Hate leads to the Republican Nomination.

Trump: "It's not a toupee, I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."

What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?
Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!

What is the Beach Boys song "Kokomo" about?
All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts.

What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?
He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.

Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?
Meat and Democrats!

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan.

What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?
The League of Extraordinary Con Men.

What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?
Donald Trump.

What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?
Hair Force One!

What did rural America tell Donald Trump?
You're Hired.

How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?
Cause your the only one Hair.

Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?
Because you better duck when he's pissed.

What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?
"The erection is rigged!"

Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?
Because she would have to move into a smaller house.

What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?
No way Hose A.

How do you make Halloween great again?
By carving a Trumpkin.

Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?
Because E.T. eventually went home!

What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?
They both whine alot!

Why does Trump love the poorly educated?
Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".

El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.
I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.

What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?
Answer: The back of his head.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?
If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.

What do you call the Michael Moore film about Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and Joe Arpaio?
Three Ami-egos.

What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?
Snow White Supremacist.

How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?
By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.

Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?
Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.

How do you know the economy is only getting worse?
On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!

Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?
Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.

What does GOP stand for?
Grabs Our Pussy.

Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?
Because he has such yuuuuge fans!

Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?
Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.

What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan?
"A complex world demands complex hair."

Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?
Discrimination.

How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?
By relocating it to a casino!

Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.
Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.

What's the only difference between Donald Trump and Bozo the Clown?
Bozo The Clown has real hair on his head.

What is Donald Trumps favorite song?
ICE ICE Baby......

Why does Donald Trump feel he can understand the average man and become president?
"When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off."

What do Donald Trump, Dale Earnhardt & Pink Floyd have in common?
THE WALL

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a sewage plant?
Nothing they're both full of shit!.

How do you know you're reading one of Donald Trumps books?
It starts on Chapter 11.

Can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind you won't get over it.

Did you hear about the new Netflix series about Donald Trump?
It's called "Orange is the New Racist".

What does Trumps hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole.

Why don't black cats cross Trump's path?
Because they are afraid of pussy grabbers.

Why does Donald Trump pick his nose?
Because he's the boogeyman.

You know what Trump has besides money?
A barber with a sense of humor.

What elephant ran for president?
Donald Trunk

Why didn't Republicans attend Trumps inauguration?
Because the weatherman told them there was a 70 percent chance of a golden shower.

What does Donald Trump and a pornstar have in common?
They are both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.

Why isn't it surprising that Donald Trump wants to be President of the United States?
Because it's not the first time he has pushed a black family out of their home!

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a boat they both fall off who gets saved?
America!

Did you hear about the love child Hillary Clinton had with Donald Trump?
It was all a secret until he used a private email server to run a fake university.

Have you seen the Clint Eastwood film about Donald Trump?
It's called "Billion Dollar Cry Baby".

Have you tried the new Donald Trump Candy Bar?
It's incredibly rich but has no taste!

Why did Donald Trump ban shredded cheese as his first act as president?
He wanted to furfill a campiagn promise to "Make America Grate Again".

Did you hear about the first executive bill that newly elected Trump passed, called the American telephone act?
Yeah you no longer have to press 2 for English.

What do presidents jump on?
A trumpoline!

What do you call it, when a brainless creature takes over the world?
The Trump-ocalypse.

Trump: Hispanics and "Never Trump", I don't want to taco bout it.
Reporter: "How about your tax returns?"
Trump: "Nacho Business"

How is this possible? Whenever I say something bad, I get in trouble.
Whenever Donald Trump says something bad, he gets more supporters.

Jeb Bush: "My brother kept us safe".
Donald Trump: "Yeah, from 9/11, Katrina, the Great Recession, and thousands of amputations from IEDs after illegally invading Iraq without an exit strategy."

9/11 Never Forget
11/9 Always Regret

Republican: Donald Trump wants to make America in his own image....
Democrat: Does that mean he'll give America a shitty comb over?

I don't always insult entire nations, but when I do it's with Trumped-up charges.

American Criminals flee to Mexico and Mexican criminals flee to America.....Everybody needs to comb down.

There was absolute chaos on Capitol Hill this morning as Donald Trump signed an executive order changing the National Anthem to "ICE ICE Baby...".

I wonder if Donald Trumps Secret Service codename is "walnut". So when he enters a room the Secret Service can say "The wall nut has arrived."

Donald J Trump's penis is Yuuuugggeee. Cause he's using it to f@%k the entire Republican party.

If Trump was really cool with the gays, wouldn't one of them have fixed his wig by now.

If Donald Trump loses his re-election bid, he doesn't need a concession speech, just a walk of atonement.

Donald Trump is a builder, he's going to use the vast resources of the United States government to build a wall to protect our citizens, build a strong middle class, and most importantly build a machine to cure male pattern baldness.

If Donald Trump wins the election, I volunteer as tribute for the Hunger Games.

It's official!, Beyonce now has more black people in her than Trump has in his cabinet.

Donald Trump is a successful investor........in the laughing stock market.

Donald trump hairline is receding faster than the shoreline on the 18th tee at his golf course in Ireland.

Trump hates illegals, Carson hates Muslims, Fiorina hates women, Huckabee hates gays, and Jeb hates questions about his idiot brother.

That Awkward moment when you actually want to vote for Donald Trump.

If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb Trump's ego and jump down to his I.Q.

Donald Trump loves the "poorly educated" so much, that when he's president there will be more of them than ever.

How can Donald Trump be hostile to people of color when he himself is orange?

Donald Trump wants to control the country even though he can't control his hair.

I heard Donald Trump wants to deport criminals.....Great when does he leave.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to paint a man orange and convince the world he was going to be president of America!

Donald J. Trump became president and started combating environmental disasters, annihilating sexual assault and battery, and zapped abortion in America. Unfortunately in the morning the dream was over.

Trump has been counting his protesters as supporters. No wonder why he thinks they're in the thousands.

Donald Trump wants to build a great Wall between Mexico and the United States of America... and if he does then Canada will need one too.

If Donald Trump had a sense of humor, he would die laughing after looking in the mirror.

The only reason Donald Trump cares about the popular vote (and claims millions of illegals voted) is because it has the word popular in it.

I went to my hairstylist and requested the "Donald".
She asked "What's That?"
I said "Shaggy hair with a gay combover"

That awkward moment Donald Trump watches Zootopia and realizes its a satire about his presidency.

Donald Trump, at a campaign stop in the midwest, promised to rebuild titties and make Detroit the motorboat city.

Donald trump and my child's diaper needs to be changed often. And for the same reason!

I heard Donald Trump is going to build a wall with all the bricks the 76ers laid tonight.

Trump and Pence or as I like to call them "Dumb and Dumb Hair"

Yo momma so ugly, Donald Trump tried to disconnect her from the internet.

Donald Trump wants to remake America in his own image, and when the mushroom clouds lift he will have done just that.

Donald Trump makes Archie Bunker look like a Democrat!

Donald Trump Campaign Slogans
"We Shall OverComb"
"No Amigos"
"Comb Over To The Dark Side"
"Don't Be A Chump, Vote For Trump"
"Stump For Trump"
"Democrats, You're Fired!"
"This country needs the D"
"Everybody Needs to Comb Down"
"Make America White Again"
"Keep Calm and Vote for Trump"
"Trump on the Bandwagon"
"Not My Celebrity"
"Trump Speaks for U.S."
"Build That Wall"
"Drain The Swamp"
"Make America Safe Again"

Anti-Trump Campaign Slogans
"Not My President"
"Stumped By Trump"
"Anyone But Trump"
"Trump Es Un Pendejo"
"Make Donald Drumpf Again"
"You Can't CombOver Racism"
"Never Trump"
"Dump Trump"
"Derail Trump"
"Deport Trump"
"Immigrants Make America Great"
"Not Voting for Trump is Yuge"
"Moving To Canada"
"Make America Kind Again"
"Pussy Grabs Back"
"My Body My Choice"
"Take A Dump On Trump"
"Only A Chump Votes For Trump"
"Trump Makes America Hate Again"
"Love Trumps Hate"
"No Human Life Is Illegal"
"The "Silent Majority" Should Stay Silent"
"Hate Ain't Great"
"Trade Trump for Refugees"

Donald Trumps Campaign Joke
Donald Trump is speaking at a campaign event in South Carolina. He asks if the crowd wants to hear a joke? The southern crowd goes "USA! USA! USA!"
What do you call 10 illegal immigrants on the moon? A problem.
What do you call 100 illegals on the moon? A problem.
What do you call 1000 illegals on the moon? Still a problem.
What do you call all of the illegal immigrants on the moon? Problem solved.

News Conference
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied Donald Trump, "That she has a big mouth."

Song Parodies
Donald Trump is such a Clown
they say he lives way uptown
We all know that he's such a Fool
How ya like that, that hair do?
I wish he'd just Go away
Just can't stand what he has to say
People think he's awful dumb
when he talks my brain goes numb
He's gonna build a giant wall
Cause people think he's got the BALLS
And to end this stupid note
I'd rather die than give him a vote.

A certain Trump from The States
Can not enter The Pearly Gates
As the Pope said with Conviction
'He is not like a Christian"
So down where the Devil waits.

There once was an old man named Trump;
on working folk, he wanted to take a dump.
He claimed, "Climate change is a hoax,
by some sharp Chinese blokes".
Now who is the ignorant chump?

Donald Trumps Wake
When Donald Trump died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. Trump called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.
"Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."
"Rest assured, Mrs. Trump," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving Donald's ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. Trump offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "What's a few nails?"

Metropolitan Opera House
At the evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised. During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The usher didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

At the end of the nights performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"
A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it.

I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"

Give Me Liberty....
An elderly man is in the intensive care unit of a hospital.
The doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
The man replies, "I've been thinking about the liberty of America?"
The doctor: "And from that you have the many serious injuries?"
The man replied, "Years ago I did the Reagan-Test. I stood in front of the entrance of the White House and shouted, 'To hell with Reagan!' And all those who stood around me grinned.
This morning I did the Trump-Test ... "

Three Parachutes
Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane, the plane was plummeting and was going to crash into a building.
There were only 3 parachutes. "I'm the greatest man here, I'll take a parachute" said Obama.
"I'm the smartest man in here so I'll take a parachute" said Trump.
They both grabbed there parachutes a lept out of the plane.
The pope said to the young boy. "Go ahead son, take the parachute".
The boy replied "It's alright, the smartest man in the world just took my school bag."



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