Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris taught Tiger Woods how to play golf and sleep with women.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.

The most dangerous form of transportation is Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick, it is also the fastest.

Chuck Norris doesn't like bugs. Thats why the Beatles stopped making music.

Once you go Chuck Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

Chuck Norris once ate a skittle and gave birth to EMINEM!

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets, they dodge him.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

A Chuck Norris action figure has slept with more women than you.

Chuck Norris can stain stainless steel.

Chuck Norris puts the fist in pacifist.

Genies ask Chuck Norris for wishes.

Chuck Norris could build Rome in one day.

Chuck Norris doesn't spell words wrong. No one else spell them right.

Chuck Norris can breathe underwater.

The government pays Chuck Norris taxes.

There's a 99.9% chance, Chuck Norris is your biological father.

If you flip over China its says made by Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris swims in the ocean, the sharks are in a steel cage.

When Chuck Norris jumps on a tempurpedic mattress, the glass of wine falls over.

Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.

The last time Chuck Norris cooked dinner... Jesus and the disciples had reservations.

Kim Kardashian secretly wishes she had an ass like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so awesome, that when he solves a crossword puzzle, he doesn't even have to read the question.

Before he forgot to give Chuck Norris a present, Santa Clause was real.

Chuck Noris makes the most interesting man in the world drink Budweiser

Chuck Norris once pissed in the fuel tank of a semi truck as a joke, that truck is now known as "Optimus Prime"

Chuck Norris once made an happy meal cry.

Chuck Norris does not simply kill you, he kills you until your dead.

Chuck Norris can punch a hurricane in the eye.

Vampires and Chuck Norris have a symbiotic relationship

Did you know Chuck Norris went to the Mars? That's why there's no signs of life there.

The Sun Doesn't set, it Runs when it sees Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

When Chuck Norris works out he doesn't get stronger, the machine does.

Blitzkreig actually translates to "Second Coming of Chuck Norris" in German.

Meat now comes in four grades, Select, Choice, Prime, and Chuck Norris

""Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.''

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is why World of Warcraft is abbreviated as WoW.

Chuck norris doesn't have a shadow, cause he round house kicked it back to the stone age. Nothing gets that close to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

You know whats stronger than a tornado a titty twister from Chuck Norris.

The Original Name For the game "Street Fighter" was "Spawn of Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't beg to differ, he says what's right and gives you two seconds to correct yourself before he roundhouse kicks you in your face.

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out.

Chuck Norris turned the " Church of Scientology" to "Chuck Norris' House of Pain"

Chuck Norris counted to infinity... Twice.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

There is only one known cure for lesbianism, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade killing 50 people... Then the grenade blew up.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

A waitress at a Outback accidentally gave Chuck Norris a rare steak instead of a well-done steak. Chuck proceeded to have sex with her on the table and said "Now that's well-done!"

The clock on Chuck Norris' VCR programs itself for fear of retaliation.

All the Chuck Norris jokes aren't jokes because nobody dares to joke about Chuck Norris.

A long time ago Chuck Norris farted. Scientist now call that event The Big Bang.

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

Chuck Norris doesn't have sex because no one fucks with Chuck Norris.

The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

Chuck Norris can make apple juice with oranges.

America didn't win the American Revolution. Chuck Norris beat the British by himself. Drunk.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

Chuck Norris' alarm clock plays Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" every morning at 7 am. Its not because he likes the song. It infuriates him, because Chuck Norris does indeed know that they started that fire, and they will pay.

Chuck Norris bought his car with monopoly money.

The only reason Michael Phelps won so many Olympic gold medals was because Chuck Norris was chasing him.

Chuck Norris can hit a homerun with a toothpick

Chuck Norris invented guns only because he needed a somewhat of a fare fight when it came time for him to spill some blood.

Chuck Norris has brail on his boots so even blind people know when it's coming.

Chuck Norris Does Not Get Headaches....He Gives Headaches!

Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on Chuck Norris' ear.

Ford Trucks have a new Chuck Norris warning sensor, apparently he think's their motto (Are You Ford Tough?) is a challenge.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris cant break the law. Chuck Norris is the law.

Chuck Norris mivrowaves his food by putting it in his pants for a minute.

Light wonders how Chuck Norris moves so fast.

Chuck Norris once ran a stop sign. a police men pulled him over to congratulate him on his driving.

Every time Chuck Norris gets mad at the sun, there's an eclipse until Chuck calms down.

Two calculators are needed to add up Chuck Norris' IQ.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris won the NBA 3 point competition with his hands in his pockets.

Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.

There is only one safe place to hide from Chuck Norris.. in a bodybag.

Chuck Norris gives the sun cancer.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The first ten minutes of the film "Saving Private Ryan" was loosley based on a game of dodgeball played by Chuck Norris in the 4th grade.

Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can speak in Morse code.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, whtch he uses to kill a cow to make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the circle of life.

Chuck Norris can grate fresh parmesan cheese with his beard.

Ninjas aren't paid to kill Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris kills ninjas for free.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

Chuck Norris is the only true white man who can jump. Period.

Chuck Norris doesn't endorse any company. Companies endorse Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make all conversations a "That's what she said" conversation.

The top secret ingredient to Coca-Cola is a drop of Chuck Norris' sweat.

Sticks and Stones may break your bones, but so will Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can teach an old dog new tricks, and teach a new dog old tricks.

If Chuck Norris places a black dot from a sharpie on himself for every person that he killed he'd be black.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris can run on a tight rope while he is completey wasted.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

When Chuck Noris goes to the gym Chuck Noris does not get tired the the weights and equipment get tired.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris doesn't sell ice cream he sells U scream.

Chuck Norris can pee into the wind and not get wet.

Chuck Norris can find the needle in the haystack.

Elvis called Chuck Norris the King.

You might be a redneck if Chuck Norris says so.

Chuck Norris bit the apple logo.

Chuck Norris CAN take the foot out of Joe Biden's mouth.

CNN was once called CN ... Chuck Norris didn't like this...

Chuck Norris wears sunglasses so that his eyes won't hurt the sun.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road? No one ever dared to ask him.

Orion admires Chuck Norris' belt.

Chuck Norris won the tour de france, on a stationary bike.

The Guinness Book of World Records was originally titled "Chuck Norris facts".

Chuck Norris sucks at the board game Sorry because he is never sorry only you are.
Chuck Norris' pencils sharpen themselves.

Chuck Noris thought he was fighting a 30ft snake then he finaly figured out he was masterbating

Chuck Norris doesn't breath air. He holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin... That he built with his bare hands

Chuck Norris plays four square with a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris' favorite candy are jaw breakers.

Chuck Norris cant do parkour, because no obstacle is stupid anough to get in Chuck Norris' way.

Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

The Emergency broadcasting system shuts down for Chuck Norris's broadcasting system

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.

If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Noris caught all 150 pokemon in 2.7 seconds.

Do you know what happened to Bruce Lee after he fought Chuck Norris?
He became Bruised Lee

Why doesn't Chuck Norris have to flush the toilet?
He scares the shit out of it!

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