Q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen take last January?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
Q: What's the title for the new sitcom starring Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan?
A: "Two and a Half Grams"
Q: Why does Charlie Sheen still think he's "winning"?
A: Charlie won the footrace to a bag of coke this morning!
Q: Who will suffer the most financially from Charlie Sheen's legal problems?
A: Call Girls!
Q: Why was Charlie Sheens character (Charlie Harper) cremated?
A: Because his drug infused ashes have a street value of $500,000!
Q: Why does Charlie Sheen's character only live with males on Two and a Half Men?
A: Because in his role, if he lived with a woman, then he would relapse into real life and begin to beat up the actress.
Q: Why is Charlie Sheen suing the Japanese Tsunami?
A: Because it's replacing him as the biggest disaster on TV!
Q: Why is Charlie Sheen a spokesman for Hanes underwear?
A: Because the time he spends with a woman is brief before he starts beating her up!
Q: Which company asked Charlie Sheen for an endorsement after he was dumped by Hanes following his domestic violence arrest?
Q: Why did Charlie Sheen threaten his wife with a knife?
A: Because he left his gun in Los Angeles!
Q: How do you know your playing a tennis match with Charlie Sheen?
A: Your opponent tries to snort the service line!
Q: Why shouldn't you go catch Charlie Sheens stand up comedy act?
A: Charlie should be Sheen and not heard.
Q: What was Charlie Harpers last wish?
A: For all his loved ones to please form a line!
Q: Why is Charlie Sheen having trouble penning his tell-all memoir?
A: After 3 decades of partying he only has two-and-a-half brain cells!
Q: How do you fix our economic problems with the help of Charlie Sheen?
A: Invest all his money in a ponzi scheme and lock him up in jail with Bernie Madoff!
Q: Why is the judge in the Charlie Sheen custody case insisting Charlie work at a Red Lobster?
A: So he can learn how to batter fish instead of women!
Q: Who is a bigger "Winner": Women or Charlie Sheen?
A: Women.....that's why he beats them!
Q: How does every Charlie Sheen party end?
A: When the ambulance gets there!
Q: What did Charlie Sheen say to the porn star with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing he already told her twice!
Q: Why did CBS pull the plug on Sheen's hit sitcom "Two and a Half Men"?
A: Because on Groundhog Day, Charlie saw his dealer which meant 6 more weeks of hookers and pornstars!
Q: What's the name of the new Charlie Sheen sitcom?
A1: Two And A Half Personalities
A2: Charlie The Menace
A3: Cheaper by the Hour
A4: Major League Asshole
Q: Why does Charlie Sheen have a history of hernia problems?
A: Because he keeps trying to "pick up" hookers!
Q: What's ironic about reports that Charlie Sheen is dating pornstar Bree Olson?
A: Her last adult film was titled "Two and a Half Men"!
Q: How do you get a bottle of "Tiger Blood"?
A: Throw Charlie Sheen a grenade!
Q: How did Charlie Sheen pass his court ordered drug test?
A: They couldn't find any urine in his cocaine!
Q: What do you get if you have tits and ass?
A: Round 3 of Charlie Sheen's intern application process!
Q: What's the main difference between Michael Jackson and Charlie Sheen?
A: Charlie Sheen doesn't die from taking drugs
Q: Why does Charlie Sheen have hernia problems?
A: Because when Charlie is "winning", he thinks he has the strength of 2 and a Half Men!
Q: What's more embarrassing than being Charlie Sheen?
A: Being one of the million people applying to be his intern!
Q: "What do you call a guy that doesn't know how to use a condom?
A: Charlie Sheen's dad"
Q: What is CBS considering renaming Two and a Half Men after firing Charlie Sheen?
A: Two Men!
Q: What's a bigger lie than Lindsay Lohan pleading "Not Guilty"?
A: Charlie Sheen pleading to be sober & a feminist.
Q: What's the difference between Charlie Harper and Charlie Harper jokes?
A: The jokes will get old.
Q: What is loud and hysterical?
A: Brooke Mueller after Charlie Sheen beats her!
Q: How bad is Charlie Sheen's meltdown?
A: So bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it!
Q: Why is Charlie Sheen looking forward to hitting rock bottom?
A: Because he thinks there is a crack rock there!
Q: Following the Tiger Woods scandal why did Charlie Sheen's wife move to modify her restraining order?
A: So she can hit him with a 9 iron!
Q: What is Higher?
A1: Food prices
A2: Gas Prices
A4: Charlie Sheen
Q: Denise Richards wants custody of her 2 young children, what does Charlie Sheen want?
A: More filthy whores!
Q: How do you know that Charlie Sheen has really...really...Lost it?
A: After being fired by CBS he's still roaming the streets of Hollywood with a suitcase full of porn and cocaine; believing he is "winning".
Q: What does Charlie Sheen do if the dishwasher stops working?
A: He HITS HER.
Q: Where does Charlie Sheen get his "Tiger Blood"?
A: From Elin Nordegren!
Q: Why is Charlie Sheen travelling across the country performing one man shows?
A: Because he was tired of neglecting his children from home!
Statement: Disneyland was closed to the public Sunday night for Miley Cyrus' Sweet 16 party.
Punchline: In related news, the Mustang Ranch will be shut down next Friday for a birthday celebration for Charlie Sheen!
Denise Richard and Charlie Sheen have agreed to extend a restraining order requiring Sheen to stay at least 300 yards from estranged wife Denise and their daughters.
Charlie says he can guarantee that he won't get within 300 yards of them as long as they don't come within 300 yards of a strip club.
Charlie Sheen Roast Jokes
Steve-O: "Charlie still hasn't hit rock bottom. I know he's looking forward to it, though, because he thinks there's a rock there."
Steve-O: "Charlie and I have quite a bit in common. We both love porn, we've both done a ton of drugs and neither of us are actors."
Seth MacFarlane: "How do you get fired from Two and a Half Men? Do they haul you in and say, 'Sorry, you don't suck enough'?"
Kate Walsh: "Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver, the only thing you've had removed is your kids."
Amy Schumer : "You were amazing in Platoon. Your marriage to Denise Richards was kind of like her Vietnam because she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie."
William Shatner: "I'm 80. You're (46). How come we look like we went to high school together?"
William Shatner: "Prostitutes cost a lot of money. Hasn't anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free?"
William Shatner: "And from one rocket man to another … never, ever forget to book your next rehab stay through Priceline.com."
Charlie Sheen: "Maybe I should have listened to those 60 doctors, three ex-wives, two paramedics and nine dead relatives who were motioning me toward the light. All of whom told me not to do this roast."
Charlie Sheen: "I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years, losers, drug addicts, dealers, desperate (prostitutes). But to have you all here on one night is really special."