Back to: Blonde Jokes
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.
Q: What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes?
A: She sticks it in the microwave!
Q: Why did God give blondes 2 more brain cells than horses?
A: So they don't shit in the parade.
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why are blondes bad at Hide and Seek?
A: Because they can never find the sausage.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde corn maze?
A: It only had 1 stalk.
Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails?
A: To hide the valve stem!
Q: Why can't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know which "1" came first!
Q: What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light
Q: Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances?
A: She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?
A: Siamese twins
Q: Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed?
A: Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Q: Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed?
A: Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers?
A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
A: There is white out on the screen.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: How do you kill a Blonde?
A: Put a Scratch 'n Sniff at the bottom of a pool.
Q: Why did the blonde have square tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
A: It finally dawned on her!
Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings.
A: So they have somewhere to put their feet when having sex.
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't come home with you?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew them both
Q: Why did God invent orgasms?
A: So blondes know when to stop screwing.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: If you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.
Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training
Q: Why were there 6 bullet holes in the blondes mirror?
A: She tried to kill her self
Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told them never to speak to strangers.
Q: whats the differance between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: When you slap the blonde she keeps on sucking.
Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.
Q. Why are only 2% of blondes touch typists?
A. The other 98% are huntin' peckers
Q: How do you know if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: The joystick is still wet.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box.
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first?
The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions.
A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.
The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.
She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Blonde vs Lawyer
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."
The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"
"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"
"Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.
Blonde and boyfriend go to movies.
Blonde: Can I have two tickets please?
Clerk at movies: For Romeo and Juliet?
Blonde: No,for my boyfriend and me.
A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend.
"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."
Slices of Pizza
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "You’ve got mail!"
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Painting The House
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Three women are on death row in Utah (death penalty by firing squad) and about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready.....Aim....."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...."
The redhead then screams, "Tornado!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...."
The blonde shouts, "Fire!"
A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
Once there was a blonde talking to her friend then suddenly the line was cut.
She noticed that she can't talk to her friend so she resersitates her phone.
Her neighbour saw her resersitating her phone and says 'Why are you resersitating the phone?'
The blonde answers back "Because my phone dropped dead"
One day, a blonde was watching the news and the news anchor said that a serial killer was on the loose.
So, she rushed into her kitchen, grabbed all her cereal and brought it down to the basement and said "Don't worry, no one can kill you down here!"
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.
"Uh... yes." replied the cop.
"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"
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