Q: What do you call a person that doesn't fart in public?
A: a PRIVATE TUTOR.
Q: What's more fun than a Canadian Microwave?
A: A dutch oven
Q: What's the definition of bravery?
A: a man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
Q: Why don't farts graduate from high school?
A: Because they always end up getting expelled!
Q: What's the difference between Mozart and Mr. Methane?
A: One is music to your ear; the other is music from his rear.
Q: Why don't little girls fart?
A: Because they don't have assholes until they're married.
Q: What is the Definition of bravery?
A: Someone who has diarrhea and chances a fart.
Q: What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A: A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
Q: What do you get if you eat refried beans and onions?
A: Tear Gas.
Q: Why do farts smell?
A: For the benefit of people who are hearing impaired!
Q: What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?
A: Puss n Toots.
Q: Why do horses like to fart when they buck?
A: Because they can't achieve full horse power without gas.
Q: What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Q: What did the high Priest comment before he flushed the toilet?
A: Holy Crap!
Q: Why don't you fart in church?
A: Because you have to sit in your pew.
Q: What did Britney Spears say after she let one rip?
A: "Oops I Sharted Again"
Q: What does Mitt Romney say when he farts?
A: Obama did it.
Q: What do surfers worry about?
A: A shart attack.
Q: What did the burp say to the other burp?
A: Let's be naughty and go out the other end!
Q: What do you call "fart" in German?
Q: What did one butthole say to the other?
A: Let's get the ffffaaarrrtt out of here!
Q: What is it called when Queen of England farts?
A: A noble gas.
Q: What does it mean to 'cupcake' someone?
A: Fart in your hand and put you hand in someone's face
Q: What's the difference between a museum and a Mr. Methane act?
A: One has artifacts; the other does farty acts.
What does Beyblade and farts have in common?
3,2,1... Let it rip!
A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place.
But in the end it couldn't 'cos it had no guts.
Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?
I fart. Why?....... because it's the only gas I can afford.
If you fart during a game of Twister, you are dead to me.
Farting on an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
I didn't fart. My intestines just blew you a kiss.
it was Saturday night and the moon was green and around the corner came a fart machine a fart was left a scream was heard and the moon got killed by a flying turd
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
While at dinner party, a man farts. Other man says "How dare you fart in front of my wife". First man says "Sorry, I didn't realize it was her turn".
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?"
Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times."
"Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
An old lady got on an elevator in a very lavish building,when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume.
The woman turns to the old woman and arrogantly says "Romance by Ralph Lauren $150.00 an ounce!"
Then another young woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly says "Chanel#5 $200.00 an ounce!"
About 3 floors later,the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator, but before she leaves,she looks at both women in the eye,bends over Farts and says "Broccoli 49 cents a pound!"
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
There was a Mexican, a American and a Japanese pilot.
They were taking turns flying over each of ther countries so they were flying over Kapan and the Japanese guy drops an apple on his country and the other two ask why he did that and he said "Because I love my country!"
So they went on to Mexico and the Mexican drops an orange on his country so the other two asked why he did that and he said "Because I love my country"
So they went on to America and the American drops a bomb on his country so the other two asked him why he did that and he said "Because I hate my country"
So they landed in their respective countries and the Japanese guy was walking and he saw a kid crying so he said whats the matter and the kid said an apple fell out of the sky and hit me in the head.
Then the Mexican was walking and he saw a kid crying so he asked what happened and the kid said an orange fell out of the sky and hit him in the head.
Then the American was walking and he saw a kid laughing and he ask what are you so happy about and he said "I farted and the building behind me exploded"
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".
A boy comes home and says to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked a question today and I was the only kid in the class that knew the answer!"
And the parents say "That's amazing son! What was the question?"
And the boy says "Who farted?"
A woman walks into a restaurant and takes a seat. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly, with the Waiter right behind her. Shocked, she sits back up abruptly, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop That!" To which the Waiter replies "Sure, Which Way Did It Go?"
A broke dirty Cowboy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey." The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first." "I'm broke, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!" The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees.
The Cowboy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience start applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience start cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leave.
The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not shit all over my stage!" And the Cowboy replies, "Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"
A man walks into a Starbucks with his iphone... He suddenly realises he needs to fart. He logs into Itunes and ups the volume thinking 'the music is loud no one will hear' So he farts... When he looks around, everyone's staring at him Then he realises... He was listening to his iphone with headphones.
Man goes to a brothel. The Madam is out of women but, since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside the door. The Polack comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says the Madam. "I don't know," says the Polak, "I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!"
An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Two medical students saw a man limping down the street outside the teaching hospital.
One student told the other "That limp is due to arthritis of the hip".
"No" said the other "he has an artificial leg".
"Lets ask him" said the first student and they went up to the man. "I hope you don't mind sir but we are medical students from the hospital and we are interested in your limp".
He went on to explain their respective theories.
The limping man looked at them with pity and said--"you thought it was arthritis and you are wrong, you think it"s a wooden leg and you're wrong, I thought it was a fart and I was wrong".
Your moms so poor, I farted and she said who turned on the heat.
Your moms so old, she farts dust.
Your mom so fat when she farted in the Gulf of Mexico it caused Hurricane Katrina
Farting Pick Up Lines
Did you fart? 'cuz you just blew me away!
Mind if I hang out here until its safe back where I farted?
Did you fart....Because you are blowing me away!
Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.