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Fart Jokes


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Q: What do you call a person that doesn't fart in public?
A: a PRIVATE TUTOR.

Q: What's the definition of bravery?
A: a man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Q: What's the difference between Mozart and Mr. Methane?
A: One is music to your ear; the other is music from his rear.

Q: Why don't little girls fart?
A: Because they don't have assholes until they're married.

Q: What is the Definition of bravery?
A: Someone who has diarrhea and chances a fart.

Q: What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A: A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

Q: What do you get if you eat refried beans and onions?
A: Tear Gas.

Q: What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q: What did the high Priest comment before he flushed the toilet?
A: Holy Crap!

Q: What does Mitt Romney say when he farts?
A: Obama did it.

Q: What do you call "fart" in German?
A: Farfrompoopin!

Q: What is it called when Queen of England farts?
A: A noble gas.

Q: What does it mean to 'cupcake' someone?
A: Fart in your hand and put you hand in someone's face

Q: What's the difference between a museum and a Mr. Methane act?
A: One has artifacts; the other does farty acts.

A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place.
But in the end it couldn't 'cos it had no guts.

Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?

I fart. Why?....... because it's the only gas I can afford.

If you fart during a game of Twister, you are dead to me.

it was Saturday night and the moon was green and around the corner came a fart machine a fart was left a scream was heard and the moon got killed by a flying turd

Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

While at dinner party, a man farts. Other man says “How dare you fart in front of my wife”. First man says “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn”.

Doctor's Visit
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?"
Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times."
"Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Car Shopping
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

Pilots
There was a Mexican, a American and a Japanese pilot.
They were taking turns flying over each of ther countries so they were flying over Kapan and the Japanese guy drops an apple on his country and the other two ask why he did that and he said "Because I love my country!"
So they went on to Mexico and the Mexican drops an orange on his country so the other two asked why he did that and he said "Because I love my country"
So they went on to America and the American drops a bomb on his country so the other two asked him why he did that and he said "Because I hate my country"
So they landed in their respective countries and the Japanese guy was walking and he saw a kid crying so he said whats the matter and the kid said an apple fell out of the sky and hit me in the head.
Then the Mexican was walking and he saw a kid crying so he asked what happened and the kid said an orange fell out of the sky and hit him in the head.
Then the American was walking and he saw a kid laughing and he ask what are you so happy about and he said "I farted and the building behind me exploded"

Teachers Lesson
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".

Restaurant
A woman walks into a restaurant and takes a seat. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly, with the Waiter right behind her. Shocked, she sits back up abruptly, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop That!" To which the Waiter replies "Sure, Which Way Did It Go?"

Fart Dixie
A broke dirty Cowboy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey." The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first." "I'm broke, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!" The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees.

The Cowboy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience start applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience start cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leave.

The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not shit all over my stage!" And the Cowboy replies, "Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"

Starbucks
A man walks into a Starbucks with his iphone... He suddenly realises he needs to fart. He logs into Itunes and ups the volume thinking 'the music is loud no one will hear' So he farts... When he looks around, everyone's staring at him Then he realises... He was listening to his iphone with headphones.

Brothel
Man goes to a brothel. The Madam is out of women but, since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside the door. The Polack comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says the Madam. "I don't know," says the Polak, "I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!"

Elderly Couple
An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Your Mom
Your moms so poor, I farted and she said who turned on the heat.

Your moms so old, she farts dust.

Your mom so fat when she farted in the Gulf of Mexico it caused Hurricane Katrina

Farting Pick Up Lines

Did you fart? 'cuz you just blew me away!

Mind if I hang out here until its safe back where I farted?

Did you fart....Because you are blowing me away!

Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.


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