Southampton Jokes

Q: What happens when you take 3 points away from Southampton?
A: You have a Saintsational day.

Q: What do you call a dead Southampton Fan in a closet?
A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.

Q: What do you say to a Southampton supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo

Q: What do you call an Southampton fan that does well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Southampton Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Saints fan. Twice.

Q: What is the difference between Southampton and a cup of tea?
A: The tea stays in the cup longer!

Q: Why did Southampton get rid of Gareth Bale?
A: Because they are both "Saints and Sinners".

Q: What do you call an Southampton fan in a suit?
A: The accused.

Q: Why did God make Southampton supporters smelly?
A: So blind people could laugh at them too!

Q: Why don't they drink tea at St Mary's Stadium?
A: Because all the cups are in Manchester.

Q: What do you call 100 Southampton supporters at the bottom of a cliff?
A: A good start!

Q: Why do Southampton blokes drink from a saucer?
A: Because the cup's always in Manchester!

Q: What's the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and Southampton?
A: Frequent Flyer Miles earn points.

Q: What do you call 5 Southampton fans standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why are Southampton strikers like grizzly bears?
A: Every fall they go into hibernation.

Q: What's the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Southampton tickets?
A: People would pass up a pair of Southampton tickets.

Q: What's the difference between a fat chick and a Southampton striker?
A: Even a fat chick scores every once in a while!

Q: Why do Southampton supporters suck at geometry?
A: Because they never have any points.

Q: What does a fine wine and Southampton have in common?
A: They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.

Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Southampton fan?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!

Q: Whats the difference between Southampton and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.

Q: What is the difference between a Southampton supporter and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: What do I have in common with Southampton?
A: Next week, we'll both be watching the Champions League final on television.

Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and a Southampton fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: How do you casterate a Southampton supporter?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What does a Southampton fan do when his team has won the Champions League?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.

Q: What does a Southampton supporter and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: How do you keep a Southampton fan from masterbating?
A: You paint Red Devils on his dick and he won't beat it for 4 years!

Q. Why do ducks fly over St Mary's Stadium upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: Did you hear that Southampton doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How do you stop a Southampton supporter from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in a ManU jersey!

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So Southampton supporters can get laid too.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask a Southampton supporter!

Q: What's the difference between onions and a Southampton supporter?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...

Q: What's the difference between Southampton supporters and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

Q: Why are Southampton jokes getting dumb and dumber?
A: Because the Saints supporters have started to make them up themselves.

Q: What is the shortest book in the world called?
A: Intelligent Southampton supporters.

Want Southampton to win the Premier league? I hope you have the patience of a saint.

I set my XBOX password to "Southamptons Defense". It said it was to weak.

Career Day
It's career day in primary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for Southampton F.C.'

Reckless Driver
A Portsmouth fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Saints supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Southampton jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw an Southampton supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Southampton supporter."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

A Primary school teacher explains to her class that she is an Southampton supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Southampton supporters, too.
Not really knowing what a Southampton supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an Southampton fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Portsmouth supporter.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Portsmouth supporter.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Portsmouth supporters, and I'm a Portsmouth fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Southampton supporter."

Dusan Tadic
Dusan Tadic walks into a sperm donor bank in London...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Dusan "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Dusan. The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

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