Q: What do the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice!
Q: What's the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and the Tampa Bay Lightning?
A: Frequent Flyer Miles earn points.
Q: Why do Lightning fans drink from a saucer?
A: Because the cup's always in Detroit!
Q: Why did the Lightning enforcer retire early?
A: He was ice fishing and got run over by the zamboni!
Q: Why don't the Lightning drink tea?
A: Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Q: What do you call 5 Tampa Bay Lightning players standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why are the Lightning like grizzly bears?
A: Every fall they go into hibernation.
Q: What does a recent high school dropout and the Tampa Bay Lightning have in common?
A: They're both young, have no goals and no good prospects.
Q: What's the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Lightning tickets?
A: People would pass up a pair of Lightning tickets.
Q: What's the difference between a fat chick and the Tampa Bay Lightning?
A: Even a fat chick scores every once in a while!
Q: Why do the Lightning suck at geometry?
A: Because they never have any points.
Q: What is it called when a Tampa Bay Lightning player blows in another Lightning players ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What do college students and the Lightning have in common?
A: They've both finished their year by April.
Q: What's blue and orange and goes down the toilet faster than Liquid Plumber?
A: The Tampa Bay Lightning
Q: What do a fine wine and the Tampa Bay Lightning have in common?
A: They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.
Q: Why did the Post Office recall their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Lightning players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Lightning fan?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!
Q: What do you get when you combine all 23 Tampa Bay Lightning with 23 lesbians?
A: Fourty-Six people that dont do dick!
Q: What is the difference between a Tampa Bay Lightning fan and a pot hole?
A: I would swerve to avoid the pot hole!
Q: What song do Tampa Bay Lightning fans sing before the end of the third period?
A: Nobody knows. There's never any of them left.
Q: Whats the difference between the Tampa Bay Lightning and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.
Q: What do the Tampa Bay Lightning and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q: What is the difference between a Lightning fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.
Q: Did you hear the Tampa Bay Lightning are moving to the Phillipines?
A: They are going to be called the Manilla Folders!
Q: What do I have in common with the Tampa Bay Lightning?
A: Next week, we'll both be watching the Stanley Cup Finals on television.
Q: What do Tampa Bay Lightning fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How many Tampa Bay Lightning does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
Q: What do you call 23 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Finals?
A: The Tampa Bay Lightning.
Q: How can you tell if a Lightning fan just sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it!
Q: What do the Tampa Bay Lightning and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 15,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and an Tampa Bay Lightning fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: If you have a car containing a Lightning forward, a Lightning center, and a Lightning defender, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: How do you casterate an Tampa Bay Lightning fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: What should you do if you find three Tampa Bay Lightning hockey fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an Tampa Bay Lightning fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. How did the Tampa Bay Lightning fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What does an Tampa Bay Lightning fan do when his team has won the Stanley Cup?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: How many Tampa Bay Lightning fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What does a Tampa Bay Lightning fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why do Tampa Bay Lightning fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: How do the Lightning spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights
Q: How do you keep a Lightning fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick Flyers orange and black and he won't beat it for years!
Q. Why do ducks fly over St. Pete Times Forum upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: Why doesn't Miami have a professional hockey team?
A: Because then Tampa Bay would want one.
Q: Did you hear that Tampa Bay's hockey team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: What's the difference between a St. Pete Times Forum hotdog, and a Wells Fargo Center hotdog?
A: You can buy a Wells Fargo Center hotdog in May!
Q: Why did BP hire the Tampa Bay Lightning to clean up the Gulf oil spill?
A: Because they'll go out there and throw in the towel!
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Tampa Bay Lightning fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog
Q: What is a Tampa Bay Lightning fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Philadelphia."
Q: How do you stop an Tampa Bay Lightning fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Philadelphia Orange and Black!
Q: What's the difference between the St. Pete Times Forum and a red light district?
A: In a red light district, you pay $300 bucks and somebody scores.
Q: What's the difference between the Miami Heat and the Tampa Bay Lightning?
A: The Heat shoot at a net.
Q: Why are the Tampa Bay Lightning like United States Postal Service?
A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!
Q: Why are Tampa Bay Lightning jokes getting dumber and dumber?
A: Because Lightning fans have started to make them up themselves.
Q: What's the difference between the Tampa Bay Lightning and a pinball machine?
A: The pinball machine scores more often and has more points.
According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are Tampa Bay Lightning fans.
Can a Tampa Bay Lightning player drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.
My wife was about to put my son in a Tampa Bay Lightning jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.
I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put a Tampa Bay Lightning jersey on it and now it sucks again.
Why did the Tampa Bay Lightning fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.
A Lightning fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Flyers fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious hockey jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Flyers fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Flyers fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
Better at Sex
There were two men, one was a Lightning fan and the other was a Flyers fan.
These men were both madly in love with the same woman. So the woman challenged that whichever man does a better job at having sex with her would be her boyfriend.
Both men accepted the challenge.
That night, the woman had sex with the Lightning fan and then the other night had sex with the Flyers fan. The next day the woman chose the Flyers fan to be her boyfriend.
Shocked and outraged, the Lightning fan asked why she didn't choose him.
She replied by saying, "You, like your team not only come up short but always finish early!"
It's career day in elementry school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the Tampa Bay Lightning.'
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Tampa Bay Lightning fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Lightning fans, too.
Not really knowing what a Lightning fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Lightning fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Philadelphia Flyers fan.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Flyers fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Flyers fans, and I'm a Flyers fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Lightning fan."
"A skunk walk's into a bar and sees 3 guys in the corner wearing Tampa Bay Lightning jerseys.
He turns to the bartender and says "Ya'll think I stink."