San Diego Padres Jokes

Q: What is the difference between Andrew Cashner and a professional bowler?
A: A professional bowler knows how to throw a strike.

Q: Why did the Post Office recall their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Padres players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Padres fan?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!

Q: What do you get when you combine all 40 San Diego Padres with 40 lesbians?
A: Eighty people that dont do dick!

Q: Why are the San Diego Padres starting pitchers like orphans?
A: Because they don't know where home is!

Q: What is the difference between a San Diego Padres fan and a pot hole?
A: I would swerve to avoid the pot hole!

Q: What's the difference between dirt and the San Diego Padres?
A: Nothing...they both always get swept.

Q: What song do San Diego Padres fans sing before the bottom of the ninth inning?
A: Nobody knows. There's never any of them left.

Q: Whats the difference between the San Diego Padres and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.

Q: What's the best part about dating a Padres fan?
A: She won't be asking for a ring!

Q: What do the San Diego Padres and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: What is the difference between a Padres fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: What do the San Diego Padres and lawn furniture have in common?
A: They both fold and end up in the cellar after Labor Day!

Q: Did you hear the San Diego Padres are moving to the Phillipines?
A: They are going to be called the Manilla Folders!

Q: What do I have in common with the San Diego Padres?
A: Next week, we'll both be watching the World Series on television.

Q: What do San Diego Padres fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How many San Diego Padres does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

Q: What do you call 40 millionaires around a TV watching the World Series?
A: The San Diego Padres.

Q: How can you tell if a Padres fan just sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it!

Q: What do the San Diego Padres and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 40,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and an San Diego Padres fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: If you have a car containing a Padres shortstop, a Padres catcher, and a Padres outfielder, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: How do you casterate an San Diego Padres fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What should you do if you find three San Diego Padres baseball fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between an San Diego Padres fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. How did the San Diego Padres fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: What does an San Diego Padres fan do when his team has won the World Series?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.

Q: How many San Diego Padres fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!

Q: What does a San Diego Padres fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why do San Diego Padres fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How do the Padres spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights

Q: How do you keep a Padres fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick Phillies red and white and he won't beat it for years!

Q. Why do ducks fly over Petco Park upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: Why doesn't San Clemente have a professional baseball team?
A: Because then San Diego would want one.

Q: Did you hear that San Diego's baseball team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: What do you call a San Diego Padre in the World Series?
A: An umpire.

Q: What's the difference between a Petco Park hotdog, and a Citizens Bank Park hotdog?
A: You can buy a Citizens Bank Park hotdog in October!

Q: Why did BP hire the San Diego Padres to clean up the Gulf oil spill?
A: Because they'll go out there and throw in the towel!

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead San Diego Padres fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog

Q: What is a San Diego Padres fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat the Dodgers."

Q: How do you stop an San Diego Padres fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Philadelphia Red and White!

Q: What do Padres fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you make a Padres fan laugh on Monday?
A: Tell him a joke on Friday!

Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, a rattlesnake, and a Padres fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Padres Fan.......Twice!

Q: What do you call a Padres player with a World Series ring?
A: a thief.

Q: Why can't the San Diego Padres use the internet?
A: Because they can't get 3 W's in a row.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the San Diego Padres infielders have in common?
A: They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

Q: What does the San Diego Padres manager and Alex Trebek have in common?
A: Both of there jobs are in Jeopardy.

Q: Why is Halloween the San Diego Padres favorite holiday?
A: It's the only thing in October they have to look forward to!

Q: Why do all the trees in California lean towards San Diego?
A: It's because the Padres suck.

Q: What is the diference between a cactus and the Padres dugout?
A: On a cactus the pricks are on the outside!

Did you hear that Petco Park had to be resodded?
Thats really sad when you cant even get your own grass to root for you!

According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are San Diego Padres fans.

Can a San Diego Padres pitcher drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.

My wife was about to put my son in a Padres jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.

I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put a Padres jersey on it and now it sucks again.

Why did the San Diego Padres fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.

Dear Padres fans, rather than wasting money on a replica hat, just strap a large rubber dildo to your head. EVERYONE will know who you support.

Police in San Diego responded to a call of a vehicle break-in. The owner of the vehicle said he two tickets to a Padres game on his dash and someone busted his window and left two more Padres tickets.

Reckless Driver
A Padres fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Phillies fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Philly pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Phillies fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Phillies fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

Better at Sex
There were two men, one was a Padres fan and the other was a Phillies fan.
These men were both madly in love with the same woman. So the woman challenged that whichever man does a better job at having sex with her would be her boyfriend.
Both men accepted the challenge.
That night, the woman had sex with the Padres fan and then the other night had sex with the Phillies fan. The next day the woman chose the Phillies fan to be her boyfriend.
Shocked and outraged, the Padres fan asked why she didn't choose him.
She replied by saying, "You, like your team not only come up short but always finish early!"

Career Day
It's career day in elementry school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the San Diego Padres.'

First Grade
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a San Diego Padres fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Padres fans, too.
Not really knowing what a Padres fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Padres fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Philadelphia Phillies fan.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Phillies fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Phillies fans, and I'm a Phillies fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Padres fan."

Father & Son
A father and son are outside Petco Park, and the young son is asking his father to buy him a "Dodgers Suck" T-shirt. The father hesitates, but finally tells his son, "You can have the shirt if you promise never to say that word."

"That's right," says the T-shirt vendor, wanting to make the sale. "'Suck' isn't a very nice word."

"No," replies the father. "I meant the word 'Dodgers'."

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