Houston Astros Jokes

Q: What is the difference between Collin McHugh and a professional bowler?
A: A professional bowler knows how to throw a strike.

Q: Why did the Post Office recall their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Astros players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Astros fan?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!

Q: What do you get when you combine all 40 Houston Astros with 40 lesbians?
A: Eighty people that dont do dick!

Q: Why are the Houston Astros starting pitchers like orphans?
A: Because they don't know where home is!

Q: What's the difference between dirt and the Houston Astros?
A: Nothing...they both always get swept.

Q: What is the difference between a Houston Astros fan and a pot hole?
A: I would swerve to avoid the pot hole!

Q: What song do Houston Astros fans sing before the bottom of the ninth inning?
A: Nobody knows. There's never any of them left.

Q: Whats the difference between the Houston Astros and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.

Q: What do the Houston Astros and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: What is the difference between a Astros fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: What do the Houston Astros and lawn furniture have in common?
A: They both fold and end up in the cellar after Labor Day!

Q: Did you hear the Houston Astros are moving to the Phillipines?
A: They are going to be called the Manilla Folders!

Q: What do I have in common with the Houston Astros?
A: Next week, we'll both be watching the World Series on television.

Q: What do Houston Astros fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How many Houston Astros does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

Q: What do you call 40 millionaires around a TV watching the World Series?
A: The Houston Astros.

Q: How can you tell if a Astros fan just sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it!

Q: What do the Houston Astros and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 40,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and an Houston Astros fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: If you have a car containing a Astros shortstop, a Astros catcher, and a Astros outfielder, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: How do you casterate an Houston Astros fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What should you do if you find three Houston Astros baseball fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between an Houston Astros fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. How did the Houston Astros fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: What does an Houston Astros fan do when his team has won the World Series?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.

Q: Did you know the Astros have a dictator on the roster?
A: Yeah he's the Leader of North Correa.

Q: How many Houston Astros fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!

Q: What does a Houston Astros fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why do Houston Astros fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How do the Astros spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights

Q: How do you keep a Astros fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick Phillies red and white and he won't beat it for years!

Q. Why do ducks fly over Minute Maid Park upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: Why doesn't Fort Worth have a professional baseball team?
A: Because then Houston would want one.

Q: Did you hear that Houston's baseball team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: What do you call an Houston Astro in the World Series?
A: An umpire.

Q: What's the difference between a Minute Maid Park hotdog, and a Citizens Bank Park hotdog?
A: You can buy a Citizens Bank Park hotdog in October!

Q: Why did BP hire the Houston Astros to clean up the Gulf oil spill?
A: Because they'll go out there and throw in the towel!

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Houston Astros fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog

Q: What is a Houston Astros fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Philadelphia."

Q: How do you stop an Houston Astros fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Philadelphia Red and White!

Q: What do Astros fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you make a Astros fan laugh on Monday?
A: Tell him a joke on Friday!

Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, a rattlesnake, and a Astros fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Astros Fan.......Twice!

Q: What do you call a Astros player with a World Series ring?
A: a thief.

Q: Why can't the Houston Astros use the internet?
A: Because they can't get 3 W's in a row.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Houston Astros infielders have in common?
A: They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

Q: What does the Houston Astros manager and Alex Trebek have in common?
A: Both of there jobs are in Jeopardy.

Q: Why is Halloween the Houston Astros favorite holiday?
A: It's the only thing in October they have to look forward to!

Q: Why do all the trees in Texas lean towards Houston?
A: It's because the Astros suck.

Q: What is the diference between a cactus and the Astros dugout?
A: On a cactus the pricks are on the outside!

Did you hear that Minute Maid Park had to be resodded?
Thats really sad when you cant even get your own grass to root for you!

I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put an Astros jersey on it and now it sucks again.

Can a Houston Astros pitcher drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.

My wife was about to put my son in a Houston Astros jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.

According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are Houston Astros fans.

Why did the Houston Astros fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.

Dear Astros fans, rather than wasting money on a replica hat, just strap a large rubber dildo to your head. EVERYONE will know who you support.

Police in Houston responded to a call of a vehicle break-in. The owner of the vehicle said he two tickets to a Astros game on his dash and someone busted his window and left two more Astros tickets.

Reckless Driver
A Astros fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Phillies fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Philly pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Phillies fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Phillies fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

Better at Sex
There were two men, one was a Astros fan and the other was a Phillies fan.
These men were both madly in love with the same woman. So the woman challenged that whichever man does a better job at having sex with her would be her boyfriend.
Both men accepted the challenge.
That night, the woman had sex with the Astros fan and then the other night had sex with the Phillies fan. The next day the woman chose the Phillies fan to be her boyfriend.
Shocked and outraged, the Astros fan asked why she didn't choose him.
She replied by saying, "You, like your team not only come up short but always finish early!"

Career Day
It's career day in elementry school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the Houston Astros.'

First Grade
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Houston Astros fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Astros fans, too.
Not really knowing what a Astros fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Astros fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Philadelphia Phillies fan.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Phillies fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Phillies fans, and I'm a Phillies fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Astros fan."

Father & Son
A father and son are outside Minute Maid Park, and the young son is asking his father to buy him a "Rangers Suck" T-shirt. The father hesitates, but finally tells his son, "You can have the shirt if you promise never to say that word."

"That's right," says the T-shirt vendor, wanting to make the sale. "'Suck' isn't a very nice word."

"No," replies the father. "I meant the word 'Rangers'."

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