Liverpool Jokes
Q: What do you call 100 Liverpool supporters at the bottom of a cliff?
A: A good start!
Q: What is the difference between a battery and an Scouser?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: What do you call a dead Liverpool Fan in a closet?
A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.
Q: What do you say to a Liverpool supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo
Q: What do you call an Liverpool fan that does well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Liverpool Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Liverpool Fan. Twice.
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool and a cup of tea?
A: The tea stays in the cup longer!
Q: What do you call an Liverpool fan in a suit?
A: The accused.
Q: Why did God make Liverpool supporters smelly?
A: So blind people could laugh at them too!
Q: What ship didn't make it to Liverpool?
A: The premier ship
Q: Why don't they drink tea at Anfield?
A: Because all the cups are in Manchester.
Q: Why do Liverpool blokes drink from a saucer?
A: Because the cup's always in Manchester!
Q: What's the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and Liverpool?
A: Frequent Flyer Miles earn points.
Q: What do you call 5 Liverpool fans standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why are Liverpool strikers like grizzly bears?
A: Every fall they go into hibernation.
Q: What's the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Liverpool tickets?
A: People would pass up a pair of Liverpool tickets.
Q: What's the difference between a fat chick and a Liverpool striker?
A: Even a fat chick scores every once in a while!
Q: Why do Liverpool fans suck at geometry?
A: Because they never have any points.
Q: What does a fine wine and Liverpool have in common?
A: They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.
Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Liverpool fan?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!
Q: What do you call a goalkeeper that wins a BAFTA?
A: Slumdog Mignolet.
Q: Whats the difference between Liverpool and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.
Q: What is the difference between an Liverpool supporter and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.
Q: What do I have in common with Liverpool?
A: Next week, we'll both be watching the Champions League final on television.
Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and a Liverpool fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: How do you casterate an Liverpool supporter?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: What does a Liverpool fan do when his team has won the Champions League?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.
Q: What does an Liverpool supporter and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How do you keep an Liverpool fan from masterbating?
A: You paint Red Devils on his dick and he won't beat it for 4 years!
Q. Why do ducks fly over Anfield upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: Did you hear that Liverpool doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How do you stop a Liverpool supporter from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in an Arsenal jersey!
Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So Liverpool supporters can get laid too.
Q: What do you get when you cross liverpool with a policeman?
A: A Kop.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask a Liverpool supporter!
Q: Why is it so easy to score on the Liverpool defense?
A: 'Cause they no longer have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Skrtels.
Q: What's the difference between onions and a Liverpool supporter?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...
Q: What's the difference between Liverpool supporters and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
Q: Why are Liverpool jokes getting dumb and dumber?
A: Because Liverpool supporters have started to make them up themselves.
Q: What is the shortest book in the world called?
A: Intelligent Liverpool supporters.
I set my XBOX password to "Liverpools Defense". It said it was to weak.
Career Day
It's career day in primary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for Liverpool.'
Reckless Driver
An Arsenal fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Liverpool supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Liverpool jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw an Liverpool supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Liverpool supporter."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
Primary
A Primary school teacher explains to her class that she is an Liverpool supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Liverpool supporters, too.
Not really knowing what a Liverpool supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an Liverpool fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Manchester United supporter.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Manchester United supporter.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Manchester United supporters, and I'm a Manchester United fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool supporter."
Luis Suarez
Luis Suarez walks into a sperm donor bank in London...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Luis "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Luis. The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
Coincidence?
In the year 1981
1. Prince Charles married Princess Diana
2. Liverpool won the Premier League
3. The Pope was shot and hospitalized.
In the year 2005
1. Prince Charles married Camilla Bowles
2. Liverpool won the Champions league
3. Pope John Paul II died
If Prince Charles wants to remarry and Liverpool is in the final of the Champions League, thank you for notifying the Pope!