Pope Jokes

What do you call Pope Benedict XVI after his last day?
Ex Benedict.

If Pope Francis wants to fly to the United States which airline does he chose?
Virgin Atlantic!

Why was Pope Benedict XVI relieved after a woman knocked him down at St. Peter's Basilica in Rome?
He thanked god she wasn't Elin Woods!

Why was Pope Francis not allowed to fly into the United States?
He wanted to bring more than 3 oz of holy water with him!

Why did Pope Benedict XVI, who was once part of the Nazi Youth, condemn Israel for attacking Hezbollah?
Because the Middle East problem needs to be solved and when Jews defend themselves, it takes longer to find a final solution!

What did the Pope say to the woman who jumped over barricades, tackled the pope, and fell on top of him?
"Wait, your not an altar boy!"

What will happen if Pope Benedict XVI (age 81) gets any older?
He will become the Republican nominee for President!

What happened when Pope Francis splashed some Holy Water on Donald Trump?
He began to burn!

What Hollywood film did Pope Benedict XVI promote while he was in the United States?
The 80 Year Old Virgin!

What can you infer after hearing that Pope Benedict XVI had surgery on his wrist after falling at a Alpine vacation chalet?
Altar boys are fighting back!

What did the Pope say after being called out at second base during his mass at Yankee Stadium?
"Damn, I never make it to 2nd base."

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one.
Michael J. Fox has a short one.
Madonna does not have one.
The Pope does not really use his.
And Justin Bieber always uses his. What is it?
A last name. Shame on you for thinking something else.

Pope John Paul II
When Pope John Paul II passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates.

"Thou be hungry, John?" saidth God.

"I could eat," Saint John Paul replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Pope John Paul looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, he remained quiet.

The next day God again invited Pope John Paul to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Pope John Paul could see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still he said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Pope John Paul could contain himself no longer. Meekly, he said: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand ... "

God sighed: "Let's be honest, Karol -- for just two people does it really pay to cook?"

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