Tom Delay Jokes
Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses.
They were troubled because Tom Delay was behaving in an inappropriate manner. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.
Now the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion, they concluded:
"Thou shalt not covet thy trip from thy lobbyists."
"The Republicans are in trouble. Bill First, the Senate leader, is under investigation, Karl Rove is about to be indicted, Tom DeLay was indicted twice in one week. You almost feel bad for how screwed this guy is, because usually when someone wants to beat this kind of a rap, the person they bribe is Tom DeLay." --Bill Maher
"Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he was stripped of his congressional leadership powers. When asked what it feels like to lose all his power, DeLay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Down in Washington D.C. the feds jumped a guy who was behaving suspiciously and carrying two large suitcases. Turns out it kind of had a funny ending: he's not a terrorist and the suitcases were full of cash for Tom Delay." --David Letterman
"Big scare down in Washington earlier today. Turned out it was a false alarm. What it was was a lobbyist airlifting money to Tom DeLay." --David Letterman
"They shut down Pennsylvania Avenue
because of a suspicious package, did you hear about that? Turns out it was just
a big bag of laundered money for Tom DeLay." --David Letterman
"Tom DeLay said he had a new priority in life -- outlawing prison
rape." --Jay Leno
"Remember when Republicans, like Newt Gingrich and Bob Livingston, when
they got in trouble it was for sex scandals? See Tom DeLay is in trouble for
money. Or as Republicans would call it -- this is a return to traditional
values." --Jay Leno
"Tom DeLay is in a little bit of trouble. He says he didn't know that lobbying groups were illegally funding the trips he took all over the world. Don't you love this? When ever these guys are running for office they always tell us how smart they are, how knowledgeable they are, how they know what's going on. As soon as they get caught doing something wrong 'I'm an idiot. I didn't know what was going on.'" -Jay Leno
"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned Iraq's new leaders against hiring their friends and family members for government jobs, and then Majority Leader Tom Delay gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno
"A man in West Bend, Wisconsin who bought a shirt at the local goodwill store found $2,000 stuffed inside the pocket, isn't that amazing? The more amazing part is how did one of Tom DeLay's old shirts wind up in Wisconsin?" --Jay Leno
"Did you know today was take your daughter
to work day? Tom DeLay celebrated by taking his daughter to work. He also took
his wife, two cousins, and a couple lobbyists" --Jay Leno
"Bush was briefly moved to an underground bunker when an aircraft entered
restricted airspace over Washington. ... A false alarm -- it was just Tom DeLay
on another free trip paid for by lobbyists." --Jay Leno
"It has now been revealed that a Washington lobbyist personally paid for Tom DeLay's trips using his own credit card. Even more embarrassing, the lobbyist also put the purchase of Tom DeLay on his credit card." --Jay Leno
"It was reported that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay took several ethically
questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists and that his wife and
daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action committee. DeLay
referred to the allegations as 'just another seedy attempt by the liberal media
to embarrass me with my own actions, words, and illegal doings.'" -Tina Fey