What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
What is the best Iraqi job?
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.
How do you play Iraqi bingo?
What is Iraq's national bird?
Why doesn't Saddam Hussein get hemorrhoids?
Because he's a perfect asshole.
How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force.
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
He elected to receive.
What Does Saddam Hussein want for Thanksgiving?
Q. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A. They both have Kurds in their Whey.
Actual Quotes From the Iraqi Information Minister
"There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"
"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all"
"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"
"You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay."
"This boa, the American columns, are being besieged between Basra and other towns north, west, south and west of Basra....Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there."
"By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them....Wherever they go they will find themselves encircled."
"Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any longer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. I mean here that over the past two days we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target."
"Blair...is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."
"They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this."
"The louts of colonialism."
"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."
"W. Bush, this man is a war criminal, and we will see that he is brought to trial"
"I think the British nation has never been faced with a tragedy like this fellow [Blair]."
"The United Nations....[is] a place for prostitution under the feet of Americans."
"They are sick in their minds. They say they brought 65 tanks into center of city. I say to you this talk is not true. This is part of their sick mind."
"They are superpower of villains. They are superpower of Al Capone."
"Iraqi fighters in Umm Qasr are giving the hordes of American and Brtish mercenaries the taste of definite death. We have drawn them into a quagmire and they will never get out of it."
"What they say about a breakthrough [in Najaf] is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places . . . they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."
"Their forces committed suicide by the hundreds. ... The battle is very fierce and God made us victorious. The fighting continues."
"Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them."
"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."
'We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."
"Surrender or be burned in their tanks."
"We have them surrounded in their tanks"
Britain "is not worth an old shoe."
Of U.S. troops: "They are most welcome. We will butcher them."
"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."
"Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire"
"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying"
"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion."
"They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!"
"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."
"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."
"On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed vehicles. The operation continues"
"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."
"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."
"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."
"NO", snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"
"We defeated them yesterday. God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those who are staying in Washington and London have thrown these mercenaries in a crematorium."
"Please, please! The Americans are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method."
"They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them"
"We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked"
"Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed."
"Their casualties and bodies are many."
[On surrenders] "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?"
"Search for the truth. I tell you things and I always ask you to verify what I say. I told you yesterday that there was an attack and a retreat at Saddam's airport."
"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp"
"When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfathers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves"
About Bush: "the leader of the international criminal gang of bastards."
About Bush and Rumsfeld: "Those only deserve to be hit with shoes."
The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first.
Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."
"And the bad news?" they ask.
Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm."
Saddam is riding in his limo in the Iraqi countryside when there is a sudden bump and the limo stops. The chauffer gets out, walks around the car and reports to Saddam, "I just killed a pig. I think it came from that peasant's hut by the road."
So Saddam tells him to go and tell the peasant that he is Saddam Hussein's chauffer and that he just killed the pig and that the peasant must be happy because it really is a big honor, to have a pig killed by the president's limo.
The chauffer goes inside the hut and disappears. About an hour later he returns very drunk, smoking a cigar, and looking extremely happy.
"What happened there?" asks Saddam.
"I went inside, I said what you told me to say, and the peasant hugged me and thanked me, and threw a party in my honor and gave me this cigar."
"And what exactly did you tell him?"
"I said 'I'm Saddam Hussein's chauffer and I just killed the pig!'"
Saddams Favorite Songs:
"Save the camel, ride a Fallujahan Insurgent" (Big and Rich)
"Achy Breaky Turban" (Billy Ray Cyrus)
"How do you talk to Allah" (The Heights)
"Bomb like an Egyptian" (The Bangles)
"Wake Me Up before you Blow Up" (Wham)
"Even Insurgents touch themselves" (The Divinyls)
"Because I blew myself up" (Afroman)
"If Allah was one of us" (Joan Osborne)
"Its Raining Insurgents" (The Weather Girls)
"Full House"...of Husseins
"Guantanamo Bay Break"
"According To Hussein"
"Malcom is an Infidel"
"Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says Its Right"
"How I Met the Infidel"
"Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
"Just Shoot Everyone"
"Matima Loves Chachi"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Who Wants To Execute A
Saddam Hussein, Taha Yassin Ramadan and Tariq Aziz are lounging on the balcony of one of Saddam’s palaces when a flock of geese flies over. "Ramadan, shoot the geese," Saddam says. The vice president lifts his AK-47 and empties a clip into the sky, but doesn’t hit a single goose. "You try, Tariq," Saddam says. The deputy prime minister fires and misses as well. "Damn, I have to do everything around here," Saddam says. He fires five rounds in the air. None of the birds fall. There’s an awkward silence. Then Tariq Aziz points at the receding flock and says, "My God, would you look at that! Dead birds flying!"